Trust the Facts, Ma’am
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2012
Whether you’re pushed into a major decision by loving emotions or anger and disappointment, watch out; the forces behind your decision might be pushing you off a cliff. The stronger your feelings, the more important it is to take a deep breath and figure out the risks and benefits of what you’re about to do before doing something major (or, if your feelings are negative, even opening your mouth). In either case, gather facts, do your homework, and map out consequences before push comes to shove and you commit yourself to actions you can’t take back.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I have three kids, but we’ve felt a little empty since our youngest girl hit ten and stopped being cuddly, so we’re thinking about adopting. My wife is a stay-at-home mom who’s a little moody but loves kids and has been a good parent, and I work hard at a tough career, but I’m usually around all the time on weekends. My goal is to figure out whether we can make adoption work.
Most people think that deciding on a big, emotional commitment requires a big, emotional process; i.e., since nothing causes more emotion than marriage or parenthood, decisions about getting married or having kids should arise from emotional resolutions.
While this might be a common assumption, it’s also a common refrain of this blog that such an assumption is very, very wrong.
Instead of relying on loving emotions to direct your course, consider the conditions necessary to making an adoption work. If certain conditions aren’t met, it won’t. It’s that simple.
Those are the conditions that need your closest attention, not whatever’s percolating in your heart, or, God forbid, your gut (which, as we’ve often said, is where your shittiest decisions originate, pun intended).
After successfully raising three children, you have good reason to feel confident in your and your wife’s ability to work together as parenting partners. The question to ask yourself, however, is whether any of your kids were particularly difficult or different in personality style from what you and your wife are accustomed to. If the answer is yes, that’s a good thing, because the more challenges you’ve faced, the more confident you should feel.
Don’t underestimate the possibility that an adopted child has severe emotional impairment, nor assume that good loving care is the cure for their past trauma or abuse. Healing is exciting to watch when it happens on TV, but in real life, good parents are often unable to change the way a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (associated with severe neglect or abuse) falls apart when he or she is left alone, and at the same time can’t tolerate closeness without becoming overwhelmingly angry.
There’s also a high risk that at least one parent of an unplanned pregnancy suffers from such gestation-causing mental disorders as bipolar disorder, ADHD, and/or alcoholism, which are all highly genetic. Love and patience are wonderful but not always curative, especially in the face of deep trauma and/or inheriting papa’s lack of impulse control.
It’s also unwise to overestimate the power of mental health treatment to help a troubled child when love alone fails; our treatments, including psychotherapy and medications, are often limited in their effectiveness, and the fact that you can offer a child resources that would not otherwise be available doesn’t mean that they’ll be sufficient.
So in addition to examining your emotional capacity, assess your parenting resources. You and your wife may well need more time and money for clinical and educational services than you’re used to providing. If you’ve had an easy time with your own kids, you may be surprised and unprepared.
Don’t let a global feeling of responsibility or a sentimental belief in the power of love deter you from considering the above issues and weighing the benefits of adoption against realistic risks, particularly if you have reason to believe your prospective adoptee has been abused or has special needs, If you don’t consider the risks of adoption carefully, you can wind up doing more harm than good to the adopted child, your own kids, and your marriage.
If, however, you have reason to believe you’re equal to the task of raising an adopted child after acknowledging your personal limits and those of the child, then there’s no doubt you’re doing the most positive and meaningful thing you can do in this world, with plenty of emotion, good and bad, in your future.
STATEMENT:
“I feel there’s nothing more important than raising a happy kid and I enjoy parenting with my wife. I know, however, that parenting an impaired kid can be incredibly difficult, regardless of how good we are as parents, so I will consider the risks carefully with my wife before making up my mind.”
I’m about to ruin my relationship with my sister by suing her, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She and I owned a business for years and it was only recently I discovered she’d been quietly transferring assets to her own private account and then making them disappear. We’ve always been friendly and she’s a hard worker, but I found out from my nephew, with whom I’ve always been close (he’s 30 now), that she’s an alcoholic and spendaholic who’s now going broke. She’s very stubborn and unforgiving, but there’s too much money at stake for me to let it go and carry on like everything’s OK. I’d much rather get through to her and preserve some kind of relationship than go to war.
It would be great if your sister could respond positively to a tough-but-kind confrontation about your missing money and her out-of-control behavior, but then she would have listened to her son, gotten sober, and made amends, and you wouldn’t be preparing to sue her over disappeared money. So let’s assume that your sister, like the Empire, will strike back.
Your goal is to prevent the fight from becoming prolonged or personal, while keeping your own hostility under control. You’ve taken the right first step by pinning down how much you’re owed and how much legal leverage you have. You’ve also decided the war is worth it because the amount of money is large enough and your lawyer tells you that you’re likely to win and recover your loss. That means the benefit is worth the risk; facts, not anger, are not making your decision for you, so you’re not suing to express it, no matter how your sister reacts.
It’s very likely she’ll see herself, sincerely, as a hurt, misunderstood victim, but your job isn’t to argue with her or defend yourself, because you know you’re doing the right thing. Instead, let her know you mean business while seeking a solution that will cause her as little pain, humiliation, and legal trouble as possible.
Begin by reminding her how close you’ve been over the years, how well you’ve worked together, and how much you respect her positive qualities. Only after you’ve created a positive framework, tell her, with great regret, that as much as you hate having to do it, you have a problem that’s too big to ignore.
Don’t blame her actions on bad choices or seek to persuade her that she’s done wrong. Just let her know you think she meant well but was drawn into doing something that you can’t accept and believe must be corrected, and you’ve worked hard to find a solution. You hope you won’t have to force the issue with legal action and that you can avoid hostility and get back to things the way they were.
Then present your requirements in concise, bulleted form. If, as you believe, they represent appropriate restitution, her lawyer will eventually assure her that she cannot do better.
At that point, there’s nothing more to say and every reason to avoid an emotional discussion. Urge her to take her time, read your points, consult her lawyer, and reach her own decision about what she should do. Let her know what your deadline is and that you think an emotional discussion will do more harm than good. Then withdraw and let the lawyers do the rest.
It will require all your patience and discipline to avoid responding to attacks on your motives or character. If, however, you stand by your goals with firmness and respect, you will do much to dispel any negative melodrama while letting her know that, someday, she will see that you wish her well and had no choice but to destroy the death star of her deceit.
STATEMENT:
“I am still shocked and angry about the way my sister looted our assets, but she doesn’t really acknowledge any of the bad things she’s doing to herself, so I know it’s not personal. I will protect myself as necessary while letting her know I still love her and believe that the steps I’m requiring her to take will really help her, in the long run, as much as they help me.”
