Words With Enemies
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2012
People often equate their freedom of speech with the freedom to spew, which is nothing other than the freedom to hurt themselves and others; on the other hand, exercising one’s freedom to stew and stay passive-aggressively silent isn’t much better. Rights come with responsibility, so even though you are entitled to open your mouth, you should shut up and think about consequences. Then, when you need to make an unpopular statement, you can do so with respect while protecting yourself from sounding and acting like a jerk. As the ol’ “Team America” song goes, “Freedom isn’t free,” but if the price is taking the time to consider the weight of your words, it’s worth the bill.
–Dr. Lastname
I think a father should be able to tell his son what he really thinks, so I let him know I wasn’t pleased about his not wanting to invite my sister to his wedding. I know he doesn’t particularly like her (he finds her pushy and inappropriate) and his fiancée likes her even less, but I need my sister to be there for me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ve told by son I’m willing to pay for the extra plate if he’ll just do this for me, but he says I’ve always tried to control his life and he feels abused by my criticism. I don’t know how we can have a real relationship, though, if I don’t let him know when he makes me angry. My friends don’t have this problem with their kids. I don’t think it helps him to get away with being a jerk when I’ve supported him all his life and what I’m asking for isn’t such a big deal.
You’re not alone in having wedding-focused emotional needs that contradict common sense strategic goals—we’ve written before about how people foolishly think weddings have more to do with floral arrangements than a family’s future—but that doesn’t mean expressing those emotional needs, or emotions in general, isn’t a terrible idea.
Just to clarify, your strategic goal is to visit with your future grandchildren and keep your son’s marriage stable—and not by giving your son and his wife a common enemy they both hate more than they irritate one another (we’re not talking about your dear sis).
That’s why, if you ask most successful grandparents to open their mouths, you’ll observe deep, transverse, tooth-shaped scars on their tongues. Their mantra for success is silence at any cost, keep visits short and don’t be afraid to bribe the grandkids with candy.
I’m worried about your declaration about your inalienable right to self-expression. You’re old enough to have discovered, many times, that expressing angry feelings to your family causes lots of trouble, but you persist, whereas you probably think a lot more carefully about expressing yourself at work, even though an in-office outburst would be just as problematic as one in-house. So I wonder whether you’re a feelings-aholic who is hooked on the relief you get from in-family venting to the extent that you can find a million reasons why it’s necessary to do it, regardless of outcome.
As with any potentially addictive behavior, ask yourself whether it has a negative impact on your life. Put aside how much better you feel as you exercise your divine right to convey the holy word about what’s right to those who desperately need to hear it, and instead do a survey of your nearest and dearest, asking them whether they’ve benefited from your interventions. In addition, make a list of what you’d like to accomplish with the behaviors you most dislike in them and assess whether the outcome of your interventions has been positive—or, if negative (which you and I know is far more likely), whether you’ve made a bad thing worse.
Based on your survey, decide for yourself whether righteous self-expression is causing harm. Don’t distract yourself with the topic of unfairness, because that’s part of the addiction; you’re not some heaven-sent judge or enforcer. Focus on actual consequences only from your position as a parent trying to foster stable family ties with an adult kid whose behavior you aren’t going to change.
If you’re objective and can refrain from righteous distraction, you’ll probably find the problem isn’t your son’s stubbornness (wherever it comes from), but your own tongue. If you want to control it, it’s never too late to learn how.
First, however, you have to decide whether watching your tongue is your priority, and just as weddings should be more about the future than the flowers, your goal should be less about righteousness and more about knowing the right time to shut up.
STATEMENT:
“I shudder at the outrageous unfairness of many of my son’s decisions, but the time for trying to change him has passed. I will work on accepting his behavior without comment, even if steam comes out my ears and other orifices. By keeping angry feelings private, I will become more effective at getting what I really want.”
I’ve never reacted well to nagging, so I tend to shut up and back away when my partner tells me what to do. Then she accuses me of not sharing my feelings with her, which just gets me irritated, because I’ve never been a feelings type of gal—no one in my family is, and I’ve never been that way as long as she and I have been together. Now that my mother’s died, however, she thinks I need to open up or I’ll start drinking again (I’ve been sober for 5 years), but if anything’s going to drive me to drink, her nagging will. Instead of opening up, I get quietly nasty, which just makes her worse. I don’t want to lose this relationship, or my sobriety, and I don’t like the sort of woman her nagging turns me into, so I need her to understand that I’m a quiet sort of person and that I can’t talk to her about my feelings when that’s just not what I do.
People can get nasty with silence almost as easily as they get nasty with words (see above), particularly when it’s with someone who knows you well and can’t avoid your silences. So, while you’re right about your right to be a non-talky type of person, you’re not right about your right to remain silent when your silence is deliberately nasty. Your first job is to clean up your silent act.
Think of nasty-management as a higher level of sobriety. You can’t help feeling angry at your partner—for most of us, it’s part of the definition of marriage or any close relationship—but you can manage what you do with your anger. Your first step then is to look at what you do when she gets aggravated, decide for yourself whether you kept things proper and polite and, if not, figure out a better response. If in doubt, ask a bystander to rate your performance, or Siri. Just stay observant.
In order to curb your angry instinct, take a preventative measure by imagining her most aggravating criticism and prepare a polite answer. If she says you’re too quiet, don’t apologize for being a woman of few words, but tell her you’re certainly willing to listen. If she wants you to say something that you wouldn’t naturally say, tell her you’re sorry you can’t say what she’d like, but those aren’t your thoughts, and suggest another activity while maintaining a positive tone. After all, you appreciate and share her concern about your sobriety, and if there was anything you needed to do to strengthen it, you can assure her you’d take the necessary steps. You just don’t think spontaneous self-expression is one of them.
Remember, what you’re fighting is not your partner’s expectations but your own reaction. If she wants you to be someone else, that’s her problem, not yours, and if she can’t get over it, you chose the wrong girl. Your first priority is not to hang on to her love, persuade her you’re not so bad, or let her know you can’t be messed with. It’s to continue to be a good person who doesn’t let her negative feelings draw her into nasty actions of any kind, including silent ones.
Learn to assert yourself by being polite and withdrawing politely, and only when necessary. Your partner’s words challenge you to acquire a new kind of control, not over your relationship, but over your response to her. Meet the challenge, and you’ll have developed a more solid anchor for your self-esteem and your temper, but not your vow of silence.
STATEMENT:
“I know I get icy when I’m irritated by nagging, particularly when it really gets to me, but I’m going to make it my business to develop a positive response. It won’t make me feel better but it will give me better control of my sobriety and point my partnership in a better direction.”
