Me Myself and Oy

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2012

Assessing one’s self-esteem is like checking for Puxatony Phil’s shadow on Groundhog Day; while we have a long tradition of caring about its status, the results are fairly meaningless. After all, some people with strong characters don’t like themselves because they don’t measure up to high standards, and other people are madder at life’s unfairness than they are at themselves and underperform, not because they don’t like themselves, but because they care more about feeling good than getting strong. And of course, sometimes, it’s just cloudy. In general, it’s better to have a strong character, even if makes you kick yourself, than to see yourself as a deserving, entitled victim in order to break out of the rut of bad decisions and get out of Puxatony once and for all.
–Dr. Lastname

My 14-year-old son seems to care about his schoolwork but he’s unusually stubborn (the psychiatrist says he has Asperger’s syndrome) and he never does his schoolwork the way his teachers want him to. When they ask him to show his work in Math, he refuses, but he often gets the answers right anyway, just without any proof. When they ask him to do a draft of an essay, he just won’t do it, but then the final version he writes at the last minute is fairly reasonable. My son always feels guilty and angry, both for not being understood and not being able to do it correctly, and I’m worried that they’re not teaching him right, in a way that caters to his specific needs. My goal is to get them to give him better help.

You’ve been trying for many years to get your son to show his Math work and finish his preliminary drafts on time, and it just doesn’t happen. He’s had many teachers work with him and no one has found the answer. You’ve made an effort, and after showing your work, it’s fair to conclude “the answer” doesn’t exist.

In addition, telling teachers they need to improve is bound to make things worse since they already have the government telling them they’re responsible for their class’ performance, regardless of what those kids and their families are like. Holding them accountable for not getting results—the “show your work” of the teaching world—isn’t quite fair since you know it’s an impossible job.

Once you add your own personal “no child left behind” intervention, don’t be surprised if the teachers start to find fault with both you and your son in order to defray blame. Whatever happens next, it won’t involve praise or more positive results for anyone.

Meanwhile, your son already feels like an Asperger weirdo who can’t behave normally while you and his teachers keep on trying to get him to do so. You’re pushing him into a vicious cycle of self-rejection, avoidance, and unhappiness, while not doing much better for yourself. No wonder he still can’t write first drafts, but you need to write me.

Of course, if you think up a new way of helping him meet his teacher’s deadlines, give it a try, but don’t make a big deal out of it. He cares about his work, he puts in a good effort and, in his own way, he gets a worthwhile result. True, some teachers and bosses may feel frustrated, disappointed, or defied by his inability to share his work while in progress, and he may never be a good team player in the business world. Fortunately, there are other ways to make a living and there are some bosses who won’t care about the way he works if he gets the job done.

Help him work with what he’s got and be proud of himself, recognizing his good effort and giving him hope in his ability to find a place in society. The more you accept his limitations, the better you’ll be able to celebrate his strengths.

You don’t want him to apologize for work disabilities he can’t help; you want him to declare what he can accomplish, in spite of the unique way he must go about things, and recognize that, on occasion, the result will be uniquely good. He might never be able to properly show his work, but he can be proud of himself and the results.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my son could meet the work timetables that he and others have set for him, but I will accept the fact that his mind just doesn’t work that way. When I can’t help him perform the way he’d like, I’ll help him accept the way he actually does things and make the best use of his talents. I want him to be proud of who he is and what he makes of himself, not of how well he competes or meets the expectations of others.

I’ve been hospitalized a couple times for depression and hearing voices but I still felt depressed when I left the hospital, so there wasn’t much point in continuing the medication. Alcohol and marijuana give me relief so I don’t see any harm in taking them, though the doctors say they’ll make my symptoms worse and give me a relapse. If they’d give me something helpful, I wouldn’t need to use drugs, and if my parents didn’t criticize me so much, I never would have tried drugs in the first place. So far, however, all I’ve got is a lot of talk therapy that doesn’t make me feel better and medication that does nothing but give me side effects. My goal is to get real help.

You’re in trouble if you expect to be happy given the fact that you have three incurable problems, with the biggest whammy being your mental illness. Unfortunately, if you’ve heard voices and gotten depressed a couple times, it’s almost sure to happen again, sooner or later, and, each time, your brain gets damaged a little more. Of course, if you were lucky enough to find a medication that stopped you from hearing voices, it will probably delay attacks, make them less severe, and protect your brain from damage. There’s no hope for a cure, but great hope for management…if you take the prescribed drugs, not the fun ones.

Which brings us to problem number two, drug abuse. Drinking alcohol makes depression worse, smoking marijuana makes voices worse, and both habits are hard to stop, particularly since they give you some immediate pleasure and relief. On top of that, your mental illness probably makes it harder for you to control habits in general, and then those habits make your mental illness worse, and down and down the spiral goes.

And we still haven’t even gotten to problem number three yet, which is your habitual way of dealing with the crap that’s happened to you, and that is to satisfy your need for better feelings now rather than better health odds later. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel better, except that you can’t, not in the short run, other than by making problems one and two much worse. You’ve developed powerful habits for avoiding your problems by focusing on what other people have done wrong and lying to yourself about what’s not wrong about what you’re doing, and it’s just another bad habit that’s got to end before it becomes a part of your permanent personality.

In the unlikely event you’re still with me and reading along, I’d urge you to get into a 12-step program, not just to get sober (problem two) but also to work on accepting what you can’t change (problems the second and first) and developing the strength to deal with the rest (problem tres). Look for the courage to read up on the risks of ignoring the symptoms you’ve described, and speak to people who’ve had your problems and found ways to move ahead in spite of them.

There’s nothing about any one of your three problems that can’t be managed if you have the strength to accept them and the determination to live a full life in spite of them. First, however, you must see the trouble you’re getting yourself into and decide that’s not who you want to be. Breaking three bad habits might take four times as many steps, but if you take that first inventory, it’s worth it.

STATEMENT:
“I feel shitty and discouraged and getting high is the only dependable relief I have, but I also know I can make my own way in the world, manage my problems, and do some good if I can get control of the bad things I do to make my problem worse.”