The Giving Fee
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2012
Most people feel it’s their duty to help a loved one in need, but that instinct gets problematic when said loved one does not instinctively react with appreciation, or even satisfaction. When that happens, it’s natural to get mad, stop giving, and then feel vaguely responsible for their subsequent misery (especially when they keep blaming you for it). In your mind and theirs, to give or not to give seems like an inevitable choice, but not if giving something actually helps nothing; if you stay focused on giving what you believe is truly helpful, rather than on what they ask for, you can give the people you care about what they actually need without going broke or being forced to be critical or to betray your basic, positive commitment. At that point, regardless of whether they feel hurt, deprived, or grateful, you can be confident you’re doing right by them, your instincts, and your bank account.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m an enabler because I continue to take care of my wife even though she’s got a bad oxy habit, refuses help, and uses my support to stay high. I understand what they’re saying, but they don’t understand what would happen if I put her out on the street. She doesn’t care what happens to her—she’ll go without eating, ignore the kids, have sex with dealers—anything to keep her supply going. I got her to treatment a few times, and even had her court-committed to a 90-day program, but she never really committed to it. If I confront her, she flips out. My friends say my kindness is killing her and preventing her from “hitting bottom,” which is the only way she’ll ever get motivated to recover. Meanwhile, I’m afraid of her becoming totally dependent on her dealers and winding up with HIV or dead in the street. My goal is to find the best way to help her.
While you and your friends are both right in fearing for your wife’s life, you’ve all got it wrong if you think that love, gentle or tough, will work to help her, or do anything but backfire.
As your friends say, she can misuse your support to stay addicted longer and harder, possibly killing herself. As you say, if you throw her out or confront her, she may well destroy herself to spite you and/or prove that there’s no bottom that doesn’t have a sub-basement.
It’s understandable that you’d make it your goal to help her, but your efforts have only been successful in proving it can’t be done). Instead, work to avoid hurting her and protecting yourself while preserving her access to help. Once you accept the fact you can’t save her with love, forced rehab, or anything short of the dark arts, you will do less harm and be better prepared to offer realistic help if and when she’s able to use it.
Begin by preparing a safety plan for managing the worst situation she could get herself into, assuming she continues to use drugs and refuses treatment, but don’t include hiring lawyers to her get out of jail or doctors to treat her, not just because you can’t afford them, but because they wouldn’t really help her. Instead, make a list of public shelters and clinics as well as food vouchers she can’t convert to currency.
Once you’ve defined your “bottom” help option, you’re ready to offer her better benefits, contingent on her getting and staying sober, but keep your hopes low, at least at first; not only won’t she take you up on your offer until she knows you mean business, but she’ll also have to go through a period of hating you for being a selfish, vicious bastard, following which she may or may not find the strength to begin recovery. You can’t hasten that day, but you can avoid delaying it while also trying to shield her from the worst of life’s dangers.
If anyone, including yourself, accuses you of abandoning her and exposing her to pain and death, know that that accusation is false. The only help you withhold is that which you’ve proven is useless or harmful, and the only help you can offer is minimal and conditional. Those are facts of life, not expressions of anger or condemnation. Trust your experience, have confidence in your intentions, and don’t let fear or guilt persuade you that you’ve failed or need to explain yourself.
You can’t get your wife sober, but, after offering her every opportunity, you can devise a plan that offers as much good and as little harm as your experience has taught you is possible, under the circumstances. If you can stick to it, it’s a great achievement, and a loving gesture if ever there was one.
STATEMENT:
“I love my wife, in spite of her addiction, and can’t get away from feeling there’s something else I could do to save her. I know now that most help I can offer either doesn’t help or makes things worse. I will use that knowledge to create a basic safety plan while absolving myself of responsibility for a rescue that can’t happen.”
I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with my sister, and we’ve looked out for one another since we were girls, so when she asked me for money about a year ago, I didn’t think twice. Besides, I’d just started my second year at a well-paying job, so it was easy to do, and I knew she’d do the same for me. But when she asked me for more money a couple months later, I couldn’t help noticing that her husband wasn’t trying hard to look for a job (he’s “working on their house,” whatever that means) and that my sister, who was also out of work, was aiming pretty high and didn’t have any Plan B to tide her over until her ship came in. When I started to express my worry and wonder why her husband wasn’t working, she told me I was being a jerk and didn’t realize how much it hurt her to ask for money, blowing off my concerns entirely. So now I’m wondering whether I should give her more, or maybe tie it to a repayment contract. I can’t afford to keep this up forever and I don’t like the idea of becoming her bank simply because I’ve got more than she does. At the same time, I don’t want to lose a relationship I’ve always valued—she’s the only sister I’ve got.
If your sister believes that true friendship means never having to say I’m sorry I can’t get my shit together, then you probably can’t get her to agree on a loan limit that she won’t feel entitled to break. In her mind, if you’ve got money and she doesn’t, you’re supposed to share, and if she’s in pain from money worries and bill collectors, you’re supposed to provide relief. At the same time, you’re not allowed to put in any limits, rules, or helpful advice. This all adds up to make her mind an irksome, expensive place.
Like the person above, you suspect that the money you lend her perpetuates bad behavior—her husband’s joblessness and her unwillingness to compromise on her job expectations—and makes it likely she’ll need to ask for more, regardless of her optimism and best intentions. On the other hand, not lending money could put her in a bad position and poison your relationship forever.
So don’t make it your goal to help her, punish her, or make her understand your point of view. Begin instead by imagining what you can and would do under a worst case scenario, such as bankruptcy and eviction. Factor in the value of any public benefits she’s entitled to, and be prepared to help pay the balance for essentials, such as food and shelter.
Then let her know, without confronting her expectations, that you’re worried about not having enough money to help her in the long run because her financial plan seems too risky, and, without a plan B for bringing in revenue if things don’t work out, you have to withhold funds for an even rainier day. After all, if she thinks of you as a bottomless bank, it’s because you’ve never had a loan officer.
Then offer her the chance to put together a plan that includes a plan B and a time limit for the loan, which, from your point of view, is also a guarantee against depletion of your reserves. If her plan seems convincing (by having specific commitments about what she and her husband will do to make money), you can give her another installment. If her plan is to get angry and threaten to stop speaking to you, then you know you’re right to keep the coffers closed and prepare for Plan B.
You also know you have no right to make yourself responsible for her disappointment; it’s sad she can’t love you for richer the way she did for poorer, but you’re not planning to punish her or let her down. You’ll give what you think is necessary when you think it will be helpful, and hopefully, one day, her mindset will change and you can transition back to being her sister from being her ATM.
STATEMENT:
“I’m sorry to have lost my sister’s friendship and trust, but I believe her expectations about my responsibilities are unreasonable and dangerous. If she can come up with a financial plan that seems likely to put her and her husband back on their feet, I can do more. If not, I will hold back because that’s what will be most helpful in the long run.”
