Break It Up

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 8, 2012

Giving up on love is supposed to be a bad thing, but that’s in a world where love is always precious and beautiful, not potentially destructive and ugly. There are lots of things you love and can’t and/or shouldn’t have, and others that you can have but at an unacceptable price. The real achievement is not gaining what you love, but knowing when it’s not worth it and not losing faith entirely when you must give it up. Giving up on love isn’t always a bad thing, but giving up on delusional notions about love is always a good idea.
–Dr. Lastname

My boyfriend is a really nice guy, but for reasons that I don’t understand, I just don’t love him anymore. He says he wants us to be friends, and that’d be OK with me if he wasn’t obviously still in love with me. It’s always awkward, getting a call from him every day, and knowing he’s really waiting for my response when he emails me, that makes me very uncomfortable. If he comes by, I know he’s looking for signs that I’m seeing someone else. I know it bothers him if I tell him we can’t get together. He doesn’t press me, but I see the pain in his eyes. I feel guilty because I care about him and want to be friends, but I’d be a lot more comfortable not seeing him. I feel guilty about dumping him—he really doesn’t deserve it—but I can’t seem to find a way to stop hurting him, which is what my goal is.

One of the many risks of falling in love, besides in-laws and herpes, is falling for someone who doesn’t love you back. At that point, you technically have two choices—not seeing them, or seeing them and knowing they don’t love you—but really one option, and that is, to feel like absolute shit.

I assume you loved your boyfriend initially, so you’re not guilty of playing with his feelings, just ceasing to return them. That’s why it’s hard not to feel guilty and responsible for this impossibly painful situation, particularly if you’re former love-partner can’t let go and pleads with you for relief, not knowing he’s actually making himself feel worse (and dragging you down with him).

What you have to remember is that you didn’t write the book of love, so you’re not responsible for the way love’s bonds form and fracture. Knowing what you know, however, you are responsible for doing your best to protect yourself and others from getting hurt. That’s why you go slow in making or inviting commitment, and try not to let the thrill of falling in love or the excitement of sex determine your decisions. That’s also why you want to be a good friend to him, although the best way to do that is by cutting him off, at least for now.

Your boyfriend tells you that it hurts less if he gets to see you, but you know he’s saying that because of immediate need, not long-term vision. Trust your own observations as you ask yourself whether contact with you is doing more good than harm to either of you. Remember, the issue isn’t whether he feels much better after seeing you, but whether, with time, he shows signs of letting go and moving on. What you observe likely jibes with your experience of what usually happens; he’s hanging on, and continued contact prolongs his agony while providing temporary relief.

If that’s the case—and you must trust your own judgment in this—good friends say good-bye. Make it clear you’re not rejecting him or expressing anger or disrespect; you’re simply doing what you think is necessary and that you have more confidence in your own judgment in this situation than in his. He might get angry or hate you for a bit, and while being hated feels pretty bad, it’s the first step to getting over you, which is good for everyone.

It’s sad that you can’t protect him from hurt, but that’s not something you control or should feel guilty about. All you can do is manage the damage as well as you can and enjoy your two less-shitty choices; learning from this experience or falling in love again without a net, risking more guilt, herpes, or worse.

STATEMENT:
“I feel guilty denying friendship to a guy I’ve hurt for no good reason and like very much, but I know his feelings are too strong to allow us to be friends and that I’m the one who must force the break-up that will allow him to move on.”

I’ve had some success as an actor and I love acting, but I’m turning 40 and I haven’t been getting any callbacks recently. My wife is very supportive, and my day job isn’t bad, but we’re always short of cash and there really isn’t enough money for all the things our kids are starting to need. I’ve got to decide whether it’s worth continuing to try to do the work I love or give up and get serious about a “real life” career. It’s depressing, but my goal is to decide.

Never believe that graduation speech bullshit about how everyone is supposed to wind up doing a job they love; maybe that happens in some fair world, but not in this one. What that graduation bloviater should have said is that doing something you love for a living is wonderful, but it’s a treat that most people don’t get to experience, except sometimes and part-time.

Given that sad fact, of course you should have pursued the possibility of an acting career and done your best to get trained, prepare for auditions, and experience rejection as almost no non-performer ever experiences it…which appears to be what you did. As an actor-survivor, you must have balls of steel.

Your goal, however, is not to pursue acting till you drop; it’s to act if you can, while respecting your other priorities, which, in your case, include partnership and parenthood. It’s natural to define success in terms of acting—getting jobs/paid, critical acclaim, and the pleasure of doing it—but it’s a much more significant success, (as well as being more frustrating and painful), to balance the pull and obsession of an acting career with your other priorities and make the compromises that fit with your values.

You’re asking yourself the right questions and now it’s time to weigh your options. On the one hand, add up your love for acting, and on the other hand, the likelihood of its providing you with a living, the time to be a parent, and your own needs for other things, like security and vacations. At some point, if time is running out and your acting prospects aren’t too hot, the time for tough decisions arrives.

Don’t scare yourself by saying “that’s the death of my dream,” or, “now I have to admit to myself that I’ve failed.” Your feelings may feed that kind of negative spiral, but your job is to know better and remind yourself that you have more than one dream, that you’ve done your best to pursue them all, and that the only control you have in life, other than trying your best, is to make hard choices realistically. That may not be how fan magazines or graduation speakers define success, but that’s the grown-up definition.

STATEMENT:
“I hate backing away from acting and I’m scared that will be the end of my career, but life is short, money is tight, and I’ve got other priorities. What makes me a responsible parent and partner is that I’m ready to make tough decisions and, if they hurt, I can take it.”