Wrong Wrath

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 1, 2012

Most humans instinctively avoid conflict—in the face of hostility, our reflex is to stay out of it, hit the deck, or make a run for it, except when we’re dealing with family, when it’s much harder to escape. That’s when we feel obliged to wheel, deal, and peace-make until the situation becomes bearable. Unfortunately, if the source of conflict can’t be quelled or appeased, trying to make peace usually makes things worse. So, until you can figure out whether you’re responsible for breaking or making the peace, give up on finding a resolution and go back to staying both out of it and true to doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname

I understand why my grown son wants to rest up at my place for a week before letting his mother know that he has returned home after working abroad for a couple of years—my ex-wife is sticky, needy and manipulative, which is why she’s my ex—but I’m afraid she’ll blame me for keeping our son away from her, even though it’s his choice. So my goal is to figure out how to get my son to stop feeding his mother’s paranoia about me, which will get her complaining to our other kids, who will blame me. I wish I could get this conflict to stop.

Before worrying about your ex’s tendency to blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility, ask yourself what, as a matter of principle, you think your son’s responsibilities are.

If your son’s mother wasn’t so eager to cast blame, you would probably say that he should keep her informed as a matter of showing respect and letting her know that he cares. He doesn’t owe her an explanation for which parent he chooses to see first (when your parents are divorced, you can’t stay with both), but after two years away, waiting to contact his mother for a week would be hurtful to her or any parent, even those who don’t dispense guilt with glee.

The problem, it seems, is her tendency to get aggrieved unless he pays her an unreasonable amount of attention. Given that fact, ask yourself whether your son has a right to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on actions he believes are right but which she is bound to attack. At his age, doing what he thinks will work out best should trump doing what mama tells him, or doing what will make mama throw a fit.

Now ask yourself how responsible you should be for avoiding your wife’s anger, whether or not you’re the cause. Your peacekeeping urges may tell you to prevent trouble at all cost, which traps you into being responsible for managing her moods and making her happy. At that point, she’s not the one forcing you to do anything: you are, and you’re wasting the chief benefit of a good divorce.

Remember, your goal isn’t to prevent trouble, assuming that trouble arises from her tendency to blame you and your son, regardless of what you’ve done; it’s to act properly while not taking responsibility for her pain. Yes, there are some members of your family, including her, who will feel you’re to blame, but it’s your goal to show them that you don’t take responsibility unless you think it’s deserved, and that you respect yourself regardless of condemnation.

Hopefully, your son will do whatever will cause the least harm, but whatever his actions, your job is to give him good advice while taking no responsibility for his behavior or your ex’s moods. In doing so, you’ll be declaring your independence from dead disputes and inviting your kids to do likewise.

And if everybody still refuses to let the conflict die, I hear there’s a job available somewhere overseas.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling shunned by my kids because they feel I’ve hurt their mother, but I know that I haven’t done anything intentional to hurt her and that worrying about her reactions doesn’t help anyone. I’ll treat her respectfully and try to show self-respect regardless of her accusations or the kids’ rejection.”

My uncle hates to be around my mother, and since I sympathize with a lot of his issues, I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t invite her to his usual birthday dinner. What pissed me off, however, was that I didn’t think he was having a dinner in the first place– he told me he wasn’t having one rather then telling me I wasn’t invited, and the only reason I wasn’t invited is because of his bullshit with my mother. My goal is to let my uncle know that I hate being lied to, and that he has no business involving me in a family conflict and putting me in the same category as my mom.

Before sharing your hurt with your uncle—and I don’t disagree with your right to feel hurt—stop and think about how he’s likely to react, given his tendency to lump you with your mother and avoid confrontation.

Yes, he may get the message that he was wrong not to invite you to his birthday party and lie about not having it, and the fair, rational side of his personality may agree with you. Your angry tone, however, may cause his irrational, frightened-of-emotionally-expressive-females side to add you to his avoid-inviting-to-birthdays list, right under your mother’s name.

So put hurt feelings aside (see the above case) and ask yourself what your uncle’s goal should be, other than avoiding confrontation. You respect his right to see less of his sister and his responsibility to avoid hurting her if possible. Assuming, however, that he values holding family connections together for the sake of younger generations, he may do more harm than good if, in trying to avoid conflict with her, he disinvites you to family get-togethers.

Instead of pressuring him with angry feelings and coming across as a chip off the old (obnoxious) block, encourage him to think of his desire to forge a family support network for his children and their cousins. The more you refuse to give importance to your hurt feelings, the more you encourage him not to overvalue and overreact to your mother’s hurt feelings.

If your mother were to accuse you of siding with her brother against her, you could tell her that you don’t take sides, you just hope they work out a way to accept their differences and forge some kind of connection. After all, you’re not interested in hurt feelings, her or his, just maintaining family ties, keeping the peace, and hopefully enjoying some birthday cake.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop my mother and her brother from feeling aggrieved and treating me as if I were on his side or hers. What I can do, however, is to show them that I value family ties, have no grievance of my own, and believe they should treat me as they always have, without talking about a fight that is none of my business.”