Fate of the Union

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 27, 2012

People often like the idea of change—they diet for it, dream of it, vote for it, etc.—but in reality, change is actually pretty scary, unpleasant, and hard to do, which is why people often resist it when given the chance. This is most often true in marriage, where habits get built from deep needs and feelings, and don’t always reflect the way you’d like yourself to be, be that desire to be faithful or just single. If you’re willing to build up your strength and do the work, you can win the battle for control over your decisions and make those changes reality.
–Dr. Lastname

Since I’m someone who tends to get both restless and depressed, I have a habit of cheating on my husband more often than I should…I love him and our family and don’t want to break it up, but there’s a certain excitement to having an affair that satisfies my restlessness. They also make me feel alive and admired, which helps with my depression. My husband said he’d leave if I didn’t get into couples counseling, so I did, but I still can’t seem to stop the affairs and he always winds up finding out. Anyway, my goal is to feel less depressed so I won’t have to have affairs and I can keep my marriage.

Like many people with a feel-good, do-bad habit, you want to stop the habit without feeling additional pain, and it’s just not possible. Unfortunately, you can’t have your cake (your marriage) and eat it too (other men, pardoning the unintentionally dirty use of “eat it”).

Sure, stopping the affairs would ease your guilt, your fear of being found out, and your uncertainty about where you stand with your family. On the other hand, habits like this are hard to stop and killing the thrill would leave you at the mercy of your depression. Then again, so would losing your marriage.

Though treatment or life changes may help depression, habits like yours have a mysterious staying power since life will always present you with fresh trials and temptations. Treatment alone seldom makes bad habits easier to control; it just helps people get stronger if that’s what they really, really want.

So, like any person with a destructive habit, you need to decide for yourself whether it’s destructive enough to be worth the pain of stopping. Don’t focus on the feeling of being confronted by your husband or kids; that’s a motivation that loses its punch when you’re angry and is easily appeased by telling yourself that what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

Don’t waste time in couples counseling either, telling your husband what he does to drive you away or turn you off. Your habit is your problem, and talking about it in any other way means you’re not ready to stop it, you just wish you could if your husband were different. Instead, ask yourself what you stand to lose in terms of companionship, partnership, stability for the kids, old age security, and the self-esteem you can’t have unless you keep your promises. The risk of not taking control of your marriage decisions is that your husband may decide for you, and you’ll have to live with his choice, whether you like it or not.

You can gain control, but it will require a daily struggle and lots of tough talk with a friend, therapist, and/or coach. Forcing yourself to face the risks of what you’re doing, and your own reasons for stopping, may cause more depression and humiliation, especially at first. If you decide, however, that the goal is worthwhile, you can get strong enough to make the decision to do-good and feel-bad, and stick with it.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could feel some sense of excitement in life without having to cheat on my husband, but I have other values that are important to me and, if I decide it’s necessary to do without that excitement, I can learn how to do it.”

I’ve tried hard to make it work with my wife because she’s a good person from a nice family, and my parents are crazy about her, but I just don’t love her, and I can’t change my feelings, though I thought I’d be able to. She’s easy to live with (we’ve been married 2 years), but when I think about spending my life with her, I get very depressed. So 6 months ago, I nerved myself up and told her and our parents that it was all over and we needed to get a divorce. It still feels like I did the right thing. What worries me is that, since then, I haven’t got it together to move out. We don’t have sex, and I don’t want to stay married, but I can’t seem to get focused, move out, and move on. My goal is to stop drifting.

Unlike the excitement addict above whose habits threaten a marriage she wants to keep, your love of stability threatens a divorce you want to implement. You can certainly pride yourself on being honest and withstanding the disappointment of your wife and family. You’re right, it’s better for your wife if you back out now rather than later, but what’s not good for her or you is your hanging around when you need to get going.

If your goal was to not feel guilty, then you’ve succeeded so far, but that’s the trouble with a goal based on feeling better: it doesn’t take into account your values and the bad feelings you may need to endure to live up to them. Now that you’re feeling comfortable, you’ve lost your drive.

So think hard about your long-term goals. I assume that at least one of you wants marriage and that your wife’s feelings about you (and the lack of an actual divorce) will make it hard for you or her to start dating while you’re living together. You might both need roommates, for financial and social reasons, but ask yourself whether the current arrangement stops one or both of you from moving on.

If so, then it’s time to ask yourself whether avoidant behavior has been a problem for you in the past. If you often go with the flow, avoid your fears, and postpone your ambitions when they force you to give up what’s comfortable, then you may need to work on managing a bad habit of your own. Hopefully, however, you have an ability to push yourself when you need to, and will not get stuck for long.

In either case, don’t hesitate to remind yourself daily about your long-term goals and make use of therapy/coaching to draw up a plan, set deadlines, and meet them. You succeeded in finding a marriage that was almost good enough and then you succeeded in protecting yourself and your wife from a loveless partnership. It’s too bad you didn’t have better luck, but you’ve dealt well with what you’ve got. Using the wisdom you’ve acquired, move out, move on, and give it another try with someone else.

STATEMENT:
“I hate leaving a comfortable, loving home, but time’s wasting and my wife and I both need a divorce to free us for new lives. We’ve proven we both have what it takes to be good partners. All we need now is new energy and better luck in love.”