Damaged Control

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 24, 2012

Coping with the mental illness of a family member can be agonizing, and when you can’t stop destructive behavior, it feels like defeat. Trying to defeat the symptoms of mental illness, however, is like trying to win a war on weight-gain or terror—difficult, endless, and resulting in gains that are easily lost. If you learn to accept setbacks as part of the process, rather than attack them as tests of your love and will, you’ll do more to sustain morale, including yours and your family’s. Take pride in your willingness to endure a difficult, painful, and sometimes frightening relationship; you won’t win or lose a war, but you’ll gain peace.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve got an adult daughter whom I know is mentally ill—she thinks people are plotting against her, including her very nice husband—and, for the last few years, without my own husband’s help, I’ve desperately tried to persuade her to get treatment before her marriage fell apart and she got arrested for doing something violent and stupid. The harder I tried, however, the more she suspected I was part of the conspiracy. There was a ray of hope 6 months ago when she had a screaming fit one night and got locked up in a mental hospital, but the medication made no difference, and she came out more certain than ever that her husband was her worst enemy, so she left him. My husband says I’m part of the problem because I never take my daughter’s side, but my goal is to restore her to sanity, and I know my husband is in fantasyland if he thinks she’s sane and has a “side” based in reality. I’m getting nowhere, though, and my own marriage is under pressure. What do I do now?

Unfortunately, while there is no surefire cure for paranoia, pushing a paranoid person to get help is a reliable way to make it worse. After all, if somebody thinks the world is against them, disagreeing with that person only confirms their delusions. Call it the paranoia-dox.

If your daughter’s paranoia can’t be helped—and it seems you’ve tried very hard to help her—then I’m sorry, but your husband has the right idea, even if it’s for the wrong reason. By not challenging her feelings of being victimized, your husband avoids the paranoia-dox, which makes it an approach worth trying.

I’m not suggesting that you encourage her paranoia, just not challenge it. It’s like starting a conversation with someone with strong, opposing political views; if you want to continue in a friendly, peaceful manner, you avoid mentioning the upcoming election and stick to discussing Taylor Kitsch’s career and the weather.

Above all, don’t tell yourself you’ve failed and it’s all over, because the very idea that you can have failed is likely to cause trouble. While you have reason to be disappointed in her progress, you’ve succeeded in doing everything possible to help her and you’re now going to succeed in making the best of your existing relationship.

It may distress you greatly to see her lose jobs and/or relationships because of crazy ideas about what people are doing to hurt her. On the other hand, if you can avoid aggravating her paranoia, you may well be able to sustain a positive relationship by keeping your distance and not expressing strong emotions or contradicting her. Don’t take it personally or react negatively if she withdraws, even if she tells you it’s your fault. Put aside money aside for her a trust fund if you can, so that she’ll have some support into her old age.

With luck, you can still enjoy and remain connected to the part of her personality that is unaffected by illness. In the meantime, you deserve great credit for tolerating the grief of what you’ve lost without losing your determination to love and help her when you can. Hopefully you can continue to help and be there for her, even if it sometimes makes you feel helpless.

STATEMENT:
“It’s terrible to watch my daughter’s paranoia destroy her life and not be able to stop it, but I’ve learned how to minimize the damage to our relationship and encourage her in the areas where she’s less vulnerable to anxiety and negative thinking. I will try my best to protect our relationship and hang on to the best of the daughter I raised.”

I can’t stand the way my son looks when his 17-year-old sister gets assaultive and throws things at me, but so far I haven’t found any way to protect him from witnessing her attacks (although she’s not violent with him, just me, her dad). She’s bipolar, her medications don’t work, and the recession has cut state services so there’s no money for placing her in a residential treatment program. The school sends a tutor and a therapist visits our home, but nothing stops her when she gets mad, threatens to kill herself, and starts throwing things. I’ve had her hospitalized 5 times in the last 6 months, but she’s no better, and the crises have shattered her younger brother’s confidence. What do I do to keep her craziness from destroying his childhood?

You can’t undo your daughter’s illness or the recession that leaves you with no way to stop her outbursts, other than to hospitalize her when they occur. Expecting to protect your younger son from crises you can’t control is just giving yourself an impossible responsibility that will only add to your son’s distress and shake his confidence.

Remember, what your son also sees is that you continue to love his sister and show her understanding, regardless of her frightening, provocative behavior. You can’t give him a calm, safe environment, but he knows that your love is an anchor. He also knows that you’re ready to call the police when necessary, so, while his sister’s outbreaks may be terrifying, he knows that you know what to do and aren’t afraid to take action.

Perhaps the worst thing you can do is under-rate the power of your own accomplishments, because if you feel helpless and see nothing here but failure, your son will think the family is going to fall apart, which is not the case. Put aside your helpless feelings and consider how well you’re doing at a difficult job (that may get better with a little luck).

Reassure your son that, even though nothing has helped his sister so far, problems like this often get better over time and there are good treatments that might do more if and when she becomes more cooperative. Also, make sure your worries about your daughter don’t prevent you from taking time to enjoy your relationship with your son.

You can’t protect him from the pain of your family crises, but you can persuade him that you aren’t discouraged and that, in spite of real fears about her safety, you still hope his sister can get better and you have confidence in his ability to grow up healthy, strong, and safe.

STATEMENT:
“I feel overwhelmed by the tension in my home when my daughter’s violence brings the police to our door, but I’ve met parents with similar problems and know that I’m competent at dealing with her illness. I will share my confidence with my son and not let his sister’s illness prevent us from spending good time together.”