Guilty Patsy

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2012

As feelings go, guilt has as much to do with crime as love has to do with partnership; both are strong feelings that can get triggered by instant, mysterious neurologic responses, regardless of our individual beliefs about right, wrong, and what’s good for us. So, just as you shouldn’t decide someone is your soul-mate after two drinks, don’t immediately assume it’s your job to atone and/or feel better if someone’s look or tone of voice triggers feelings of guilt. Learn to tolerate that guilt until you’ve had a chance to consult your beliefs and judge for yourself. Otherwise you’ll find yourself trapped in a doomed committed relationship, whether it’s one of romance or repentance.
–Dr. Lastname

While I usually spend weekends visiting my father at his beach house in the summer, I stayed away this year because he told me he wanted to have a private talk with me, which historically means giving me a lecture on how much I’ve disappointed him. I’ve put up with it in the past, but I’m sick of hearing it and fighting with him, so avoiding him just seemed smarter. I think it was a good idea to stay away, but now, whenever I call him to check in and be pleasant, he acts as if he’s too injured and disappointed to continue the conversation for more than a minute or two, which makes me feel guilty. I want to explain to him that I can’t see him because I want to avoid a negative conversation. My goal is to stop feeling so bad about doing a good thing.

Every guilt trip requires a traveling companion, and that doesn’t include the person who sent you off on your journey of remorse with a scornful “bon voyage.”

You’re actually accompanied by an internal collaborator, a side of your personality that kicks in reflexively, obediently, and without question to zap you with instant guilt for the sin of failing to make someone happy, regardless of said someone’s jerky behavior, or your being innocent.

Most of us have such a collaborator living in our brains, and some of those collaborators are easily triggered by a dirty look from anyone, be they parents or strangers. Companions like these aren’t so much guilt-trippers as guilt jet-setters, and it takes a constant effort to keep them, and you, feeling grounded and at home with your own decisions.

If you want to purge your guilt, you can always try to please the person who’s punched your ticket; you can try to persuade them to stop it, get them to see your side and withdraw their disapproval, and/or urge them to let their countenance shine upon you. More often than not, however, negotiating will lead to argument, blackmail, and more guilt in your future.

The alternative to guilt relief is guilt acceptance—learning to suck it up and ignore your internal guilt guide while creating and sticking with your own standards. For you, that means not letting yourself look at or listen to your father until you’ve finished your own self-examination and rendered a verdict.

In this case, you’ve done good by keeping in touch with your father and ignoring his nastiness by talking pleasantly on the phone. Going further, e.g., trying to keep him on the phone or asking him why he’s upset, would be going into guilt territory by taking you above and beyond what’s reasonable. It’s your standards, not his hurt feelings, that require your attention and respect.

No matter how hard your father pushes you and your inner, sensitive co-pilot into taking a long guilt expedition, stand firm. You can’t stop them from pushing, but you can find the confidence to stay put without pushing back.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling my father’s disapproval, but I know I don’t deserve it and I won’t act as if I’m guilty or in need of his approval or absolution. If he tries to berate me, I’ll avoid confrontation and refuse to let my need for his approval interfere with my self-respect.”

I’m a photographer who’s always had trouble getting well-paying jobs or steady work, and now that things are really slow, I’m rarely finding work at all and am surviving thanks to an inheritance and help from my family. That alone makes me feel guilty, but when I make new friends, I’m always worried about inviting them over to my place—it’s part of that inheritance and in a really nice neighborhood, so it’d be easy to get the first impression that I’m some lazy trust fund asshole. I am pretty ashamed of not being independent, even though I live modestly and look for work everyday (even not-creative office jobs, but when I do get interviews, it still doesn’t come together). That most artists I meet have day jobs makes me certain that I know what they’re thinking the moment they find out I don’t have one and see I’m living in a nice place. I feel like apologizing, but I don’t want to—I mean, I feel stupid for complaining about this given how much worse my life could be. So my goal, aside from becoming independent, is to feel less ashamed.

Everyone likes to feel superior, particularly about money, particularly when they don’t have a lot of it and can’t help resenting those who do. So, sadly, there’s no escaping the fact that many people, on seeing your nice home and contemplating your jobless status, will relish judging you just the way your mindreading tells you they do.

That’s why you’ve got to be tough to be rich and unemployed, and even tougher to be merely rich-appearing while still employment-deprived. It’s the worst of both worlds, even if it’s not as bad as being not-rich, employment-free, and cardboard box enclosed.

I’m sure you yourself don’t blame people for being unemployed, particularly during this prolonged recession; you know too many strongly motivated, capable people who are unemployed, keep looking for work, and get nowhere. If you think it’s cruel to blame other people for bad luck, then you have no excuse to do it to yourself.

It’s true, you’ll meet many people who have jobs they consider menial, simple, and well within your reach, but again, you’re the one who best understands why a smart, educated person often gets turned down for a so-called menial job. As long as it’s not because you feel too good for the job or express a lack of respect for those who do it, you have nothing to apologize for.

You’re the only person who knows how hard you try and what your standards are. If you meet your standards, and my guess is that you do, your job is to protect yourself from mind-reading related guilt.

You like your apartment and you’re proud of the way you live your life, so push yourself to be proud of what you have and less afraid of what people think. If someone doesn’t want to get to know you because of where you live, the one job you don’t want is trying to win them over.

STATEMENT:
“I feel inferior to everyone I know who’s employed, but I’m proud of what I’ve done and who I am. I will not express undeserved apology; I look hard for work in the face of much rejection, and I’m determined to make the most of life as it is, rather than to suspend it until after I gain employment.”