The Feel Deal

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 17, 2012

Some very smart people are brilliant at expressing the way they feel and acting on those feelings tenaciously while remaining inept at putting those feelings into a broader perspective. For them, feelings are facts, allowing them to act first, ask questions never. If you happen to be such a person and these words aren’t meaningless, be aware that there are ways to learn a different, more value-driven way of thinking. If you happen to have been written off by such a person, know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the impulses of an otherwise-smart person for whom feelings, not facts, are an infallible truth.
–Dr. Lastname

Growing up, I always had a feeling that the things that promised happiness to other people didn’t work out for me, I hated being alive, and I didn’t mind who knew it, even though my family always told me I was being too emotional and that I refused to admit or remember the moments of my childhood that were fun or happy (no idea what they’re talking about). Anyway, I grew up, found steady work and got married, but the marriage ended a couple years ago. I’ve tried medications for depression, and the 3 or 4 I’ve tried haven’t done anything but cause side effects. So my point is that I’ve had it. I really don’t see the point in staying alive when I feel miserable most of the time and nothing has worked out. I’m not feeling suicidal at the moment because I’ve been busy at work and that makes me feel useful, but I doubt that I’ll want to hold it together when the next layoff comes around and I have nothing to do. My shrink wants me to stay positive and fight my negative thinking but I think it’s more than negative thinking; it’s a negative reality and I’ve had enough of it. My goal is to challenge anyone, including you, to show me that life is worth living.

While depressed feelings can be very powerful in persuading you that there’s no point in living, feelings aren’t facts. Just because you’ve always felt like life isn’t worth living doesn’t mean that it’s true now or in the future.

When people say to “stay positive,” what they really mean is that you should look at the bigger picture, beyond whatever negativity you happen to be feeling, and identify long-term goals that are meaningful in terms of values (like doing good, supporting the people or causes you care about, or sharing love), not in terms of feelings or outcomes.

As long as your life reflects your values, like trying to be decent to others and doing a good day’s work, you can tell yourself that your efforts are worthwhile, regardless of how badly things are going at the moment…unless, of course, your brain is unable to see facts and feelings as two different things.

I’m worried that yours is such a brain, and you aren’t able to do that kind of thinking, which means that your perception is overly focused on reacting to pain (and possibly pleasure) while ignoring abstract notions about what else is worthwhile.

So it might well seem meaningless to you if I or others described the good things that could happen in your future, the way you could gain valuable lessons from your past losses, or the likelihood that further treatment trials would eventually help you feel better. That’s probably not the way your mind works.

I can’t assure you that things will get better, although I believe they can and will. I don’t question your right to decide how much pain to bear and for how long, but I urge you to consider the possibility that, in addition to suffering from depression, you also have an inability to free your thinking from emotional reactiveness. This inability is probably due to genetics and the wiring of your brain, though it may also be caused by traumatic experience. The important thing is that, if you can imagine a better, more constructive way of thinking, you may be able to learn how to do it.

Unfortunately, learning how to think less reactively will prove frustrating at first as you’ll be forcing yourself to stifle whatever satisfaction you get from expressing your hopelessness and anger directly. In the long run, however, it can ease your pain, help you survive and give you second chances.

You can learn ways of thinking about positive meaning from a number of sources, including spiritual books, therapists, and/or religious teachers who are good, positive coaches (although you’re less likely to find it among those who encourage you to talk about your pain so as to improve your ability to express it).

You might not be able to see anything about your life that isn’t fucked up, but that’s only because your vision is skewed. You may never find a “point” to your existence, but you won’t need to if you find the right point of view.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling I have nothing but pain in my future, but I know my thoughts have always been shaped by pain and that they always go around in circles. I will try to find a better way of thinking before hopelessness ends my options.”

I could never understand how my mother could spend money we didn’t have without even making up excuses about why she did it. In her mind, if she wanted something, we needed it, and the fact that she put us into massive debt just didn’t count, so I gave up trying to stop her years ago. What bothers me most, however, is the way she treats me like I’m a stranger. I overheard my father telling her that she should try to be nice to me, but she said she’d never connected to me as her son and she didn’t love me. That was that. I hate the debt she’s created, and the fact that I’m going to be stuck with tons of debt after I graduate college next year, but I don’t give her a hard time about it. I just wonder how I can create a positive relationship.

If you’ve always made a habit of attacking your mother for her coldness and dangerous spending, then it’s possible that your negative behavior pushed her away and therapy might help you to tone it down and get through to her with positive feeling. Instead, you’ve taken a more restrained approach, and while it speaks well of your character, it does the opposite for hers or her ability to change.

It’s likely, I’m afraid, that her rejecting behavior is a lot like her spending, and reflects an inability to see things in other than emotional terms, like the person above. In other words, she truly believes that what she’s buying are necessities and that, if she doesn’t have positive feelings for you at this moment, there’s no relationship. The part of her brain that looks at big pictures, account balances, and continuing relationships with people she doesn’t like much at the moment isn’t working, and probably never does.

Other people might tell you that she’s in denial or obsessive about her overspending or under-loving, meaning that therapy might get through to her about what she’s really doing. I hope they’re right, but I suspect that the problem is deeper, and won’t respond to treatment or your best efforts to get her to see that her spending is destroying her family’s security and that you really love her.

You might describe her blindness as borderline crazy; while she’s not hearing voices and doesn’t believe the CIA is monitoring her phones, she is rigidly out of touch with reality, and that’s why clinicians have coined the term “borderline character disorder” to describe people like this. If your mother were aware she had a problem and wanted to find a way to manage it, she could be helped (see above). If she’s too far gone to see the problem as hers, then she can’t.

The good thing about knowing you can’t help is knowing it isn’t your fault. You’ve done a good job coping with a sad and chaotic situation, so your goal now is to assure yourself that you’ve been a good son by every definition you know of and that it’s time to accept your mother’s illness and move on.

It’s sad that you can’t have a good relationship with her, but take some comfort in the fact that you no longer need to try.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m in a nightmare trying to stop a disaster and no one will listen, but I know now that this disaster can’t be helped, that I’ve done a better job surviving it than I thought, and that, since I can’t stop it, I’m free to move on.”