Parentshould

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 13, 2012

If your parents or in-laws make you feel helpless, even though you’re now a parent yourself, it’s seldom useful to examine how or why they do it since knowledge seldom changes your feelings, except to make them more powerful. Instead, get the courage to pull the parenting card yourself and develop polite rules for stopping bad behavior and keeping things friendly. You’ll be surprised at how quickly your feelings will change if you act as a boss when that’s what you really are. And if they don’t like it, they can go to their rooms, with or without supper.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my father…I think he’s a decent guy and I owe him for everything he gave me as a kid, but his anger has been a problem my whole life. He and my mother divorced when I was pretty young so I only saw him on holidays and some weekends, but even after that, at least once per visit he’d get so frustrated with me that he’d go into rages that left me genuinely terrified (he never went too far physically or verbally, but I’d still get really shaken, and once it was over, he never mentioned it again). I made it worse as I got older, because I’d yell back, which pushed him even further. Now I’m the mother of 2 young kids, I’d like them to spend some time with him (and so would he), but I want to protect them from the possible fear/trauma that I had to experience, even if it wasn’t criminal, per se. So how do I keep a lid on the fireworks without keeping him out of my life?

You’re right to regard big loud parent-child blowouts as tough on kids (and anything else around, including other people, pets, plates, etc.), and you’re wise enough to look for alternatives that don’t involve too much suffering by you or your kids, assuming the worst-case Dadageddon.

Remember, however, that you’re the mother, which means you make the rules of engagement. When you were a kid, you probably bristled under your father’s scary authority, but after all these years, you’re free at last. You’re the adult now and the parent, so you’re not just the boss of you, but your brood as well.

When it comes to meetings, you decide where, how long, what time of day, who else attends, what activities are acceptable, and what constitutes grounds for early adjournment. Of course, you might feel a need for your father’s agreement before you can implement your rules, but that’s not actually so; you just need to believe in your own reasons for creating said rules and enforcing them.

In addition, it isn’t entirely terrible if the kids see your dad’s dark side. For one thing, they’ll appreciate your rescuing them, and while non-parents might find this cruel, you can teasingly threaten another visit with Dad if they get out of line. They’ll also understand what you had to contend with as a kid and get a chance to see how you manage it as an adult. It’s a scary parental responsibility, but sometimes you protect kids more by showing them how to deal with suffering than by preventing it from happening.

You may also make yourself stronger by preparing scripts for managing your father’s worst case explosions, using all your adult resources including your spouse, the car, your authority over the kids, and a well-memorized list of exit lines. Look for a good non-fight coach, like your spouse, a friend, or a therapist. Your definition of victory is to speed your exit from a shit fit without throwing any yourself.

You’re wise to know that your love-hate chemistry with your father will probably always retain its destructive potential, regardless of your best efforts to stop anger before it starts. If you accept this sad fact, however, there’s nothing to stop you from using your considerable adult powers to prevent those feelings from forcing you to say things you never want to say again.

After all, the person you’re trying to control is you, not him. You can’t stop him from exploding, but you can stop yourself from exploding back and protect your kids (and others, and plates) from the blast.

STATEMENT:
“I’m worried that my father’s temper will cause the same pain and chaos in my current family as it did in the one I grew up in. I have the power as an adult, however, to prevent that from happening as long as I believe in my right to create my own rules of disengagement and enforce them as I see fit.”

My mother-in-law is good-hearted and a great help to me and my wife but she just doesn’t know when to stop, shut up, or listen, so sometimes she stirs up lots of trouble and frustrates the crap out of me. My wife has less trouble with her than I do, but she admits her mother imposes her own rules on the kids when she comes for a visit and this can sometimes make things harder for us instead of easier. For example, she gets our kids excited and playing games when I’d like them to be settling down for bed—she says it will tire them out, but it takes so long that they don’t get to sleep until late and wake up feeling terrible. I know she’s only doing things her way because she genuinely thinks she’s doing the right thing and being a help so my wife and I can relax, but even if she means well, she gets me so stressed out that I can’t relax, anyway. If I get irritated enough to slip up and say something critical, my wife understandably defends her mother—I’ve been married for over ten years, I know my wife sides with her mom, I’m not a moron—but I still feel undermined as a parent. How can I keep my well-intentioned mother-in-law from interfering with my relationship with my wife and kids?

You’re wise to recognize that telling your wife what’s wrong with her mother’s grand-parenting will only force your wife’s protective instinct to kick in, making it that much harder for you to get her support for rules and procedures that you would otherwise agree on. Put aside your feelings then and ask yourself what rules would keep your mother-in-law from straying from your parenting comfort zone.

Like most parents, you probably share an unwritten set of child-management rules with your wife, but the trouble with unwritten rules is that they offer no guidance or direction to newcomers. So, whether or not you like rules or procedures, now is the time to create them if you want to run this family, rather than resent your mother-in-law’s management style.

Instead of telling your mother-in-law that you don’t like what she’s doing, create an activity schedule that reflects you and your wife’s shared ideas of what works best. Include a bedtime, a quiet activity time, and a walk-with-father time. Then present it to your wife as a guide for helping babysitters have fun with the kids while sticking with the family routine.

Finally, tell your mother-in-law that you think the kids do better with a schedule, so you’ve created one with bulleted, precise, specific directions, and it’s been working well. Show appreciation for all the good things she contributes, and if she questions your reasons for changing things, don’t feel obliged to explain. You and your wife have complicated schedules, you observe the kids day and night, and you think your schedule is necessary.

If you believe in your plan, your mother-in-law will probably follow your rules. Your attitude and tone of voice will tell her, as they do your kids, that you will enforce consequences for breaking them (like shortening her visits and reducing her responsibilities), regardless of age, wealth, or seniority. The law bends for no one.

As long as you are personally friendly and enforce your rules without blame or condemnation, you will probably retain your wife’s support and give your mother-in-law good reason to respect your boundaries, especially if her intentions are as good as you suspect.

STATEMENT:
“My mother-in-law’s parenting style is warm and loving but her over-stimulating way with my kids sets my teeth on edge and she doesn’t know when to back off. I know I can’t get her to see what she’s doing. I can, however, create child-care rules that can prevent behavior I don’t like and allow me to remain friendly while asserting my parental authority.”