Old Flame War

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 6, 2012

Delving into past relationships always has an Indiana Jones element to it; no matter how pure your archaeological intentions, there’s always risk, conflict, and the potential for melting your face off. You don’t know whose feelings are going to get stirred up by your adventures—yours or your partner’s—and whether you’ll be able to manage them. Without exploring, however, you often can’t tell how the relationship you’ve got will stand up to the risk of danger. So learn to do historical detective work by staying focused on what you need to know, rather than on the intense feelings you may encounter. You’re not looking for thrills, romance, or monkey brains—just the facts.
–Dr. Lastname

I am in my 50s, separated, and in a relationship. Out of curiosity, and because it’s easy to do so nowadays, I googled the names of some ex boyfriends from way back when. I found that one is living in a city less than an hour away and running his own company—we had a brief but intense romance in our late teens and he wanted to marry me but I still had feelings for another. When my job took me abroad we kissed goodbye sadly and kept in touch for a while but things petered out and we both moved on. I would like to send him a friendly email just to reminisce and find out how his life went without seeming like a crazy stalker or opening a can of worms. Is it ever wise to go delving into the past now it is so easy and anonymous to do so? My goal is to enjoy one of the benefits of cyberspace without creeping anyone out or being disloyal.

There is a real risk here of being creepy—not to your ex by sending him a friendly email, but to your current partner, to whom you could literally be a creep if your curiosity about an old relationship jeopardizes your current one.

Your first obligation is not to revive a relationship if you believe it’s destructive, i.e., if your connection didn’t just peter out, but ended so badly due to his behavior that said connection was severed with a chainsaw and then burned to cinders.

From what you write, however, you have confidence in your ability to express yourself appropriately and you regard your old relationship as basically positive. What’s harder to know is whether reconnecting to this old boyfriend will trigger uncontrollable feelings in you, him, and/or your current boyfriend that will either damage what you’ve got or cause you to break promises you’d wanted to keep.

You’re the only one who knows how strongly you’ve committed yourself to your current boyfriend and how well you and he can manage the risks of old passions re-awakened. The more important your current relationship is, the more careful and realistic you need to be in order to protect it, his feelings, and your integrity.

If you’re curious about your old flame because you’re looking for something better than what you’ve got, then now is the time to let your current partner know where you stand. Don’t wait until after you’ve gotten a better offer, because that’s unfair to both boyfriends, old and new.

Along the way, you should ask yourself what you want from a partner for the next phase of your life, which is a good way to insulate yourself from the power of old passions; if you know you’re looking for compatibility, acceptance, and how well you manage money and lifestyle decisions together, then stomach butterflies and supermarket bouquets are a lot less impressive. Kids are not an issue, but mutual care-giving as you grow old is. Take time to list the qualities of character you simply can’t do without.

If you still want to go ahead, write something friendly but not too emotional, while remembering your current commitments and the doors you have no wish to open. If you can copy your current boyfriend on your correspondence without worrying about his response, you’re on safe ground. If you can’t, stop typing and start talking.

STATEMENT:
“I will always wonder what happened to my old flame, because we were once very close. With the wisdom that comes with age, I will not reach out to him unless I am confident that it will not damage my current relationship or take me where I don’t want to go.

I had a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for over a year. He was a good friend, we shared lots of interests, and we helped one another out with our respective troubled kids. I know depression was the main reason he suddenly withdrew a year ago (after about a year of happy intimacy), so when told me we should try to be friends, I was very patient, didn’t push, and kept our relationship going with friendly calls. Then, a few weeks after saying we should break-up, he was back to his old self and interested in being together. What gets me, though, is that he’s done it again about five times now, even though he’s seeing a psychiatrist and getting treated for depression. He says he wants to be more independent and that he’s no longer in love, which are the same things he said to his ex-wife, but not the things he said to me for that year we were so happy together, and I don’t see why we can’t get back to the way things were if his depression’s under control. My goal is to find a way to hang onto the good love I know is still there.

Some people believe that love is more precious and true the longer and more intensely you feel it, but, unfortunately, that’s sometimes just a test of your capacity to feel pain. What’s most important is not how love feels, but how it does; otherwise, you’re worshiping a passion that can make you miserable, distracted, self-hating, and self-centered.

It’s particularly hard to change your mind about love if it’s gotten off to a great start. You may well ask yourself, if you feel like you’ve had a wonderful partner for a year or two, how could love possibly go wrong. And the answer is, it can, because this is a tough world and certain people can’t stop themselves from being too pleasing until they feel suffocated by those they’ve become close to.

If you’ve had an overly-pleasing friend, you never forget it; they like and respect you more than anyone you’ve ever met, including your mother, your dog, and yourself. Then, suddenly, they feel crowded by your relationship and overwhelmed by your recent behavior which, from your view, hasn’t changed that much and may never have been wonderful, but also isn’t so terrible. Looking back, you can see the warning signs, like your boyfriend’s similar flip-flop with his ex-wife. She may have been similarly surprised by his change of heart at a time she thought things were going reasonably well, and even more surprised that he had been feeling suffocated.

Your patience, kindness, and understanding have also demonstrated to you that this isn’t a matter that can be cured by patience, kindness, and understanding. You’ve got the right stuff, so you now know that this problem is beyond your control, and if you hang on, it’s at your peril. You need energy for the rest of your life, and finding a new partner who may be a little less agreeable but doesn’t have a character problem will take all the energy you’ve got.

If you’ve really tried everything—and, from what you write, you probably have—then you know this isn’t a good love that can be restored. Believe in what you’ve seen and done, rather than what your heart wants you to believe. You need to take action or that good love you have to offer will just turn to bitter exhaustion.

STATEMENT:
“I had absolute confidence in my boyfriend’s love, and it’s hard not to believe I can’t repair whatever’s wrong. I know, however, that I’ve done all I can to put things right and that it’s not enough. Now I need to rescue myself, learn from this experience, and do better next time.”