Sh*te Wedding

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 27, 2012

Weddings and funerals are supposed to produce scripted emotional results, but life simply pushes too much muddy water under the bridge for human ceremonies to work out the way they’re supposed to, i.e., with great joy or catharsis, as opposed to resulting in a couple getting married or the survivors of a loved one being consoled. So when you’ve got a major change-of-life ceremony coming up that can’t perform the way it should, don’t feel like it, or you, has failed. As long as you see the greater purpose of the ceremony, there’s a way to not just get it over with, but make it accomplish something worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname

When my husband left 3 years ago it came as a shock although we had been unhappy for a long time and both had affairs before (his secret, mine open). He insisted to me and our adult children that there was no one else, and was uncertain about divorce. He carried on spending a lot of time with the family, then told us he had recently started seeing a female former co-worker, but that it was not important. He then spent six months leading us all to believe that he wanted to save the marriage and taking me out on dinner dates, but he also took a holiday with the other woman, and said lots of things that failed to add up. Two years ago everything changed when the other woman confronted him at the family home and made a horrible scene and swore at me and our son. She was furious about all his lying to her and told us they had been involved for years, then they brawled in front of me and he ran away. Things are now amicable between us even though he is still involved with this person, but we are still not divorced and our kids have chosen not to meet her. Our daughter is to be married soon and I do not wish to receive this other woman at the wedding on account of her awful behavior to me and my son (I have not seen her since that day and she never apologized). Do I miss out on having my new partner attend or do I swallow my pride and invite her? It’s my daughter’s day and I want it to go well but feel humiliated at the prospect of having to be pleasant to this person. My goal is to behave with dignity and retain the moral high ground without sacrificing my principles.

Before asking yourself whether you would feel humiliated if your husband’s volatile girlfriend were invited to your daughter’s wedding, ask yourself what the goal of your daughter’s wedding is supposed to be (aside from a legal ceremony with cake).

Despite the numerous television shows, films, and monthly magazines that tell you otherwise, the primary goal of weddings isn’t to make the bride, or any one person, happy, because that goal becomes dangerous in a hurry, whether you’re talking about a wedding or life in general.

There’s too much about weddings that you can’t control, including the weather, having enough cake, and risking forced meetings between sworn enemies (see above) who have access to free alcohol and folding, potentially airborne chairs.

As such, happiness is never guaranteed and, once it’s lost, everyone who believes it’s important laments what a disastrous waste of time and money the wedding was since the joy of a lifetime did not occur.

What most people forget about weddings is that they exist to celebrate a marriage, and while a wedding is one day, the marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, and will benefit greatly from support from everyone who loves the couple. That’s why a better goal for a wedding is to strengthen those important bonds between the couple and the families they’ve joined; the stronger the family connections, the greater support the new couple will have for child-rearing or during times of crisis. It’s like a dinner marking a business merger or alliance between countries. You hope it won’t be excruciating, but, if it is, it’s still a success if you end the evening with a wider group of people willing to help the new family get started.

As the bride’s family matriarch, you should do what’s best for the new couple, and that means burying all hatchets. If your ex and his new girlfriend are assholes, the kids don’t have to spend much time with them, but keeping things friendly and unemotional is good for everyone. Punishing your ex and his unstable lady-friend just intensifies conflicts and ex-relationships that need to be phased out so you can all move on.

Without telling your grown kids what to do, you can show them how to make nice to people you hate when you think it’s necessary. Smile politely to his girlfriend, talk about the weather, and go back for another drink. Remind yourself that you’re armed with the strongest conversational weapon known to man (too bad it’s underused)– the right to withdraw from any negative, destructive conversations, long before the chairs begin to fly.

Someone may think it’s outrageous that you’re treating them kindly, but you’ll know you’re not being kind or trying to forgive or forget. You’re doing what you can to make the best of things and keep your real feelings to yourself.

As long as you stick with your principles, and don’t worry about what other people think, you will know how to deal with your almost-ex’s extra spouse, and make the day about the couple’s future, not humiliation or your marriage’s rocky recent past.

STATEMENT:
“I feel humiliated and hurt whenever I think about my not-ex-enough and the woman he lied about (and with) for many years, but that’s behind me. My interest is in forging a good relationship with the kids and teaching them how to manage their anger in relationships that need to continue.”

I’ve had a very close relationship with my grandfather my whole life, but his health has been deteriorating rapidly for the past month, and I’m trying to come to terms with the worst. What’s making this all even more painful, even though I know it might sound dumb, is that I don’t think I’ll be able to face his memorial service because my aunts and uncles are all so insane, I know they’re going to turn the whole thing into a shit-show. I want to honor my grandpa and say goodbye, but one of my uncles is a born-again pastor who’s already volunteered to run the service, so he’s going to turn the whole thing into a revivalist meeting, even though grandpa never really cared about religion, and stopped going to church altogether when grandma died. Then another uncle is in AA, and every family event he’s at becomes all about him and his addiction and recovery, plus he constantly hints that everyone else is in denial about their own problems (but he’ll only go to totally dry events, so we get to avoid him most of the time). My aunt was always bitter at grandpa, no one’s really sure why, and I can only imagine the nasty shit she’s going to say. Together, they’re going to turn the whole thing into a joke, and I’m already angry and upset and wishing I could do something about it, besides just not go. My goal is to give him a funeral that will honor his memory.

Your goal, in conducting a funeral, is not so much to honor your grandfather’s memory as it is to honor his intention. In other words, if he attended the memorial service, he would be less interested in the beautiful things people had to say about him as he’d be in his family’s ability to survive and thrive without him—particularly those whom he thought were most weak and vulnerable.

By those standards, he’d probably be less interested in whether his brother pushed a born-again agenda on the service as he’d be in the fact that his brother’s religious beliefs were keeping him on the straight and narrow while also providing him with a living. He’d be happy his other brother was talking about nothing but sobriety because, if that’s what he needed to stay sober, so be it. And if his sister unloaded her bitterness and felt better, she damaged no one but herself. Assuming your grandfather cares more about their welfare than his image, he’d see positive meaning in their behavior.

So forget about your uncles and aunts and think about ways of making the funeral work for you. Start by thinking of your grandfather, specifically the good times you’ve shared, the traits you’ve admired, and the tough things you’ve seen him endure. Admire the fact that he could be strong and sane, growing up with sibs who are fruitcakes.

Remember, the risk at every funeral is that the pain of loss will turn into criticism and recrimination. It’s normal psychology that, when you’re hurting, you blame those who make you feel worse or can’t make you feel better, but you don’t have to let it happen to you. It’s a destructive impulse that dishonors everybody.

Instead, put together your own eulogy for your grandfather, whether you read it publicly or not, and don’t pay attention to theirs, especially if they circus goes as badly as you think it will. Share what you want to share and remember what’s important to you. As time goes by and you see more of life, return to your thoughts of your grandfather and what his life has to teach you. That’s the best way to honor him, and nothing and no one, no matter how batty, can take that away from you.

STATEMENT:
“I love my grandfather and hate the fact that his funeral will probably be a joke, but that won’t affect my memory of him or what I’ve gained from our relationship, which will be part of my thoughts as long as I live.”