Cheat Code

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 23, 2012

We never advocate trying to change or control someone else, but imposing standards on how someone behaves with you isn’t necessarily trying to control that person, just the behavior that occurs in your immediate vicinity. If that person is someone you love, you hope they can change their behavior for the sake of a better life and closer relationship/even tighter vicinity. As long as you accept your powerlessness over that change, however, you can enforce your standards without rancor, bitterness, or guilt, while hopefully giving them an opportunity to decide to control their behavior on their own.
–Dr. Lastname

A few months ago, after I caught my boyfriend in a series of lies and secretive communications/meetings with several old girlfriends, he agreed to cut off communication with all but two of them whom he considers close friends. I know that this guy absolutely despises authority, so I will not “demand” that he cut off communication to women that he had slept with just before meeting me, women that he had very inappropriate texts and emails with until I caught him, but he told me, with those two women, he will now keep his communication with them “clean.” I say, if he couldn’t stop himself before, he is likely a compulsive (something?) and he’d do himself a huge favor by simply cutting ties. He has sworn to me that he has been physically faithful, but I think that what he did constitutes emotional affairs, and that safeguards should be put in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. By the way, when he was seeing these girls before me, he WAS physically cheating on every single one of them. So there definitely is a compulsive behavior he needs to get under control…

Intellectually, you’re right to assume that your boyfriend’s past behavior shows that he’s a liar and cheat and that, regardless of his sincerity now, the only way to guarantee he’ll change these behaviors is breaking his texting fingers.

What’s missing in your account is that you haven’t asked yourself what he could possibly do that would make you think he has this problem under control, and what he can do and what he can say are two very different things.

Don’t accept weak, bullshit answers like “I’ll go into therapy” or “I’ll cut back to two friends,” because they don’t acknowledged the likelihood that he’ll do it again, which is the part of his problem that most concerns you. Instead, they allow you to hope that things will get better and forget about the open-door policy of his pants.

You would have more reason to hope for change if he were upset about his dishonesty, not just because you’ve found him out, but because he wants to be an honest man. Also validating would be a noticeable interest in regaining his integrity and your trust (as opposed to preserving the pleasures of old relationships), or if he talked about his problem frequently and regularly as an active issue that is his and not yours. Unfortunately, these are all things you’ve seen less of than dirty texts from his exes.

Since he clearly doesn’t get it, tell him your criteria for believing in his capacity to recover and grow. By taking a stand, you’re not “demanding” anything other than that he meet your standards for being an honest guy and acceptable partner, which, presumably, is something he’d like to achieve. Your standards aren’t perfectionistic, selfish, personal, or emotional; they’re simply necessary for him to gain control, and if he doesn’t want to meet those standards, you’re exposing yourself to probable betrayal.

If he tries to make you feel guilty or negotiate, you know he’s more interested in managing your response than controlling his problem. Your goal isn’t to change him, but to find out whether he has what it takes to change himself. Unless you see the right behavior, the answer is no.

So don’t accept rationalizations. Suck it up, state your standards, and you’ll get the necessary answer. You won’t have to break his fingers, but you also don’t have to stick around until he breaks your heart.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my boyfriend really wants us to stay together and I can understand that he doesn’t want to give up his old friendships, but I know he has a major problem with honesty and boundaries that will not change unless he owns up to how persistent his bad habits have been and commits a lot of time and effort to changing them. So I’ll stick by standards I think are realistic, regardless of how much he complains, and do what’s necessary to protect myself if he can’t be the guy I need him to be.

I hate to make it easier for my daughter to do nothing, but that’s what she wants to do now that she’s graduated college and come home. I can understand that it’s hard for her to find a job, but she’s not really trying. She tells me, if I put pressure on her, that she’ll move in with her boyfriend, who’s a creep and probably makes his living dealing drugs. My goal is to get her going without throwing her into the arms of the boyfriend from hell, and achieve my lifelong goal of living in an empty nest.

Just because your daughter threatens to devote herself to druggies and aspiring criminals doesn’t mean you need ever share your feelings with her on this subject, or make her threats the target of your intervention. You have no control over worst-case scenarios, no matter how scary they are, and the more you react to her threats, the more incentive she’ll have to use them again and again.

All you can do is your job, which is to encourage your daughter’s independence with as little negative emotion as possible, regardless of how you really feel. If, in the process, your feelings tear you apart, come visit your local shrink, that’s what we’re for. Just choose someone who has good coaching advice, rather than nothing but tea and sympathy.

So, without judging whether she can’t or won’t do her work, draw up a job description of simple chores and tasks that seem to be within her abilities, easy to monitor, and routinely expected in any roommate situation. Be specific about the required activities (like cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.), their required frequency and duration. Then link tasks to incentives, which can be money, car-keys, TV time, or whatever.

Finally, be positive while you preface the proposal, letting her know that, while it’s hard to get going when you’re depressed and don’t have a job, it’s too easy to fall into a rut when you’re at home, where negative feelings often run strong and deep. You want her to feel at home and have no intention of giving her a hard time, but having clear jobs and getting paid for doing them should protect her from that rut and help her keep moving.

If she threatens to move in with her boyfriend, try not to show your feelings other than respect for her right to do what she thinks is best. Urge her to compare what’s good and bad about living with her boyfriend with what’s good and bad about living at home (e.g., home is less exciting and has rules, but most roommates have those rules, and excitement gets exhausting). Keep things positive and pleasant.

Your daughter’s emotional reactions and threats may feel like blackmail, but if you stick to your job and draw on your experience of what’s fair and what works, you can push her forward without picking a fight or feeling responsible for her negative decisions. In the long run, your goal is to do the best you can, regardless of whether she seems to be doing her worst.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my daughter is using her threats against her own health and welfare to force me to care for her in a way that feels wrong. I know, however, that good rules can be helpful to her and that, if I can keep my emotions under control, imposing these rules is worth doing, regardless of her response.”