Critical Condition

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 20, 2012

Maybe you can’t help feeling guilty when someone tells you that you’ve destroyed their self-esteem, particularly when you’re critical of something they’ve done, no matter how much you know they’re overreacting. If, however, you remember how little control you have over anyone’s self-esteem, including your own, and have expressed your criticism positively, you can arm yourself against guilt and stand by whatever you’ve said. It’s not your fault if they’re hypersensitive (or hyperbolic).
–Dr. Lastname

I’m going to kill my kid if she doesn’t kill herself first. She’s a drug user and chronic fuckup, on probation for a DUI, and she just can’t stay out of trouble. Last week she stole my checkbook and went on a spending spree at Best Buy. A month ago she got restless, took my keys, and went out for a midnight drive without a license. I don’t think it’s just because she’s depressed. I think I’ve failed her, probably because I’m an alcoholic and wasn’t sober during her first ten years. It’s so hard for me to feel compassion for her, though, because I’ve managed to get sober and put the work in to stay that way. When I confront her about how stupid she’s being, she says “I want to die, you’re right, I’m an awful person,” and puts a handful of pills in her mouth. That’s when I really want to kill her, while I’m driving her to the hospital. She’ll only go to AA meetings if I drag her along, and she doesn’t get anything from them, so maybe she just has to hit bottom first, although I can’t imagine how low she’d have to go. My goal is to stay away from her before I do something I regret.

It’s horrible to have a kid whose fuck-ups are fearsome, persistent, in your face, dangerous, and expensive. You give her an inch, she takes a mile of rope and hangs both of you.

Even more horrible, however, is letting your anger loose on such a kid, then watching her declare you’ve made her hate herself so much that she does something risky and dies. Losing a kid is terrible, but losing a kid after so many words you can’t take back is worse.

While you’re the first to call her a fuckup, you’re the last to actually believe it. It’s true that some fuckups can see the light, try to get better and learn how to hit the breaks on their urge to partake in fuckuppery, but that’s their call, not yours. (And you can’t declare someone a hopeless fuckups until they have at least ten years of bad behavior under their belts, all blamed on someone else’s abusiveness).

So, until your daughter sees said light or she makes it to her 10 year fuckupaversary, you have to accept the fact of her disability and stop leaving your keys or credit cards unsecured in her presence. She really doesn’t have control, though, like you, she may eventually get it by deciding it’s worthwhile and working at it for a long time.

Once you accept her disability, you’ll be more helpful and less angry. Your enemy isn’t her; it’s whatever there is about her nervous system and personality that make it hard for her not to fuck up. It’s usually partly genetic, so either you or your partner gave her some of this problem and you chose your partner, so there’s no escaping that it’s your fault—but not in any way you could control. Just like your daughter, genes fuck up all the time.

Don’t pin your hopes on her learning something good from hitting bottom, because life doesn’t have a bottom; things can always get worse, especially for a fuckup. Meanwhile, the bad things that happen to her are more likely to increase her feelings of despair and victimhood than teach her a lesson about the bad consequences of her behavior.

Instead, use your control over money and shelter as positive incentives for better behavior. Set conditions for her to stay with you that guarantee basic safety and non-criminality, and suggest where she should stay if her behavior crosses the line and your house becomes off limits. Express no surprise when her bad side wins out, but don’t hesitate to express confidence in her ability to get ahead whenever she keeps her bad behavior under control.

If she tells you how much she hates herself when you have to enforce the rules, tell her it’s normal to hate yourself when you’re out of control; after all, you’ve been there, and you know. Then remind her of her strengths and the way they can flourish if she can get a grip.

What you hope is that, sooner or later, your rules and patience, along with life’s lessons, will encourage her to value impulse-control over constant impulse expression. Until she does, however, take pride in the tremendous strength it requires to parent a fuckup without fucking her up yourself.

STATEMENT:
“My daughter has an amazing ability to fuck up and make me feel guilty when I confront her, but I know by now that nothing can control her behavior, including the many losses and punishments she has already endured. I will use my limited powers to discourage bad behavior while remaining positive about who she is and might become.”

My boyfriend does this really annoying thing when I try to talk to him about something he’s done wrong, and it’s making me furious. No matter how minor my criticism—please don’t leave your coffee cups in the sink, please don’t leave the gas tank empty, please don’t blame me for the fact you forgot your phone at home—he often responds by saying, “OK, fine, I guess I’m just a huge asshole then, thanks, great,” etc., and now I’m forced to be on the defensive when I’m not the one who did anything wrong (or even called him an asshole!). My goal is to be able to let him know when he does something wrong without having to get an earful of bullshit.

When your boyfriend makes you feel guilty for criticizing him, regardless of how justified your criticism is, you know that’s his way of responding to criticism—or at least to criticism plus your tone of voice. It would be better if he could listen carefully, acknowledge his mistakes, make changes, and keep your differences from becoming personal, but that’s not what happens. If you then criticize him for mishandling criticism, you’re just extending your guilt trip.

Instead, find out whether he’s reacting to your tone of voice and, if so, whether there’s anything you can do to change it. If he’s touchy with everyone, then you know your tone’s not the problem. If he’s less touchy with other people than with you, it’s still not personal; he respects you, but the nature of your relationship means you touch his feelings more directly than others do.

Either way, your current approach to criticism has proven unsuccessful, so try teaching yourself some unemotional, office-place methods for talking about “desired improvements.” In case you’re unfamiliar with these methods, they always begin with a positive statement about the things he does well (like, say, not being an asshole).

Then describe the improvement you’d like to see, not because he’s lazy, uncaring, or lacking in moral strength, but because he may not have noticed the problem or because he may not yet have acquired skills to deal with it. Consult books on positive interpersonal management techniques if necessary, or just ask a friend who has a job somewhere in middle management, where tactful improvement requests are a well-practiced art.

If he guilts you for making him feel like an asshole, don’t fight back; you’ve stated your criticism respectfully and you know it’s justified, so don’t be drawn into explanations or apologies. Instead, show confidence in your observations and suggestions. If he doesn’t agree, that’s fine. If he doesn’t change, find a new boyfriend.

Remember, it’s probably more important that he change certain behaviors than that he does so willingly and without protest—you just care if he follows through, it doesn’t matter if he enjoys the process—so try not to give too much attention to winning his approval or agreement. Don’t ask for change unless you think it’s really necessary, and prepare yourself for the possibility that he can’t make those changes without holding a perpetual grudge. Once you know how he responds, accept that this is the way your relationship is going to be, or this is the way your relationship is going to end.

If you can stay focused on the purpose of your criticism rather than the tone of his response, and limit your criticism to what’s most important, you’ll find out whether you can work together effectively. Perhaps it won’t happen without initial friction and whining, but often the negative feelings go away once you show that you’re immune to guilt and believe that change is necessary. In any case, welcome back, the guilt trip’s over.

STATEMENT:
“I hate the way my boyfriend makes me feel like an overbearing bully, but I have legitimate objections to his behavior and good ideas about improving our relationship. I’ll press on with my suggestions and see whether we can work together or not.”