Unholy Union

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 16, 2012

Since marriage is supposed to exist between two people, it’s understandable that one partner’s adding an inner demon to the mix can make things a little crowded. Demons are hell to live with (pun intended) and, unless you’re Buffy, a neurosurgeon, or, evidently, Abraham Lincoln, they’re also impossible to kill. While psychotherapy has little power to exorcise them, it can do much to increase the coping skills of those brave people who are determined to survive, be decent, and keep their marriages together, regardless of the obstacles created by these intimate enemies.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve recently gotten married to a wonderful man after a very brief courtship (we’d lived across the country, and he’ll be moving in with me in the fall). Now I’m terrified I’m going to ruin this relationship by behaving the same way I’ve behaved in every other significant romantic relationship I’ve ever had—by never being satisfied by what he does, by framing things in terms of who’s right and who’s wrong (of course I’m right!), and by letting my anger take complete control in the moment and being unable to communicate civilly. Intellectually and practically, I thoroughly appreciate him; he tells me he loves me, he misses me, and I’m beautiful, and he consistently tells me he has complete faith in my ability to work through my problems and for us to share something deep and meaningful. I’m in therapy and I’ve gone to therapy during previous relationships, and I spend time journaling to reflect on my behavior, and am sure to apologize to him when I’ve calmed down and thought about things and can see how my emotions took over and distorted my perspective. We often take time away from each other when we’re/I’m upset so we can calm down, which I think is good, but it’s not enough. When I’m calm, I know (intellectually) that my own happiness is my responsibility and his is his, and that our relationship is an extension of our own personal lives, not our lifeblood. When I’m upset, however, he can’t do anything right, he won’t see things from my perspective, and I don’t even really like him or think he’s smart – all of which I know when I’m calm is not only nonsense, but damaging, and cruel. We fight, because of me, every day. How can I remember my love for him and his love for me when I’m in this space? How can I work to keep from entering this space to begin with? My goal is to avoid what so many of your letter writers have: years of difficult and painful relationships with a person they love. I’m just at the beginning of mine and I’m trying so hard, and failing every day. I don’t know why I won’t let him love me and why I push him away. What can I do to let go, and change these vicious habits?

For a long time now, judging from what you’ve written, you’ve had a problem with anger and emotional reactivity. Long enough that it’s time to stop considering your anger a problem, and start seeing it for what it is—part of who you are.

In other words, despite several courses of psychotherapy and a strong determination to keep yourself under control, you just can’t stop yourself from nastying out and turning from Dr. Justyou into Ms. Hyde. That would indicate that it’s time for a new approach.

So, to keep false hope from interfering with your planning, it’s time to accept that you’ve got a bad case of demonic possession and your impulses aren’t likely to change, despite your finding a kind husband whom you love very much. This is the first of the 12 steps, as well as your first step towards demonic management.

That means marriage is probably never going to be a happy state for you; fulfilling and meaningful, yes, but not happy. Either you’ll be letting Ms. Hyde have her way, or working hard to keep her feelings to yourself and creating some distance. The latter takes work and may well spare you guilt and apologies, but will probably be more painful, at least in the short-term.

One exception to this dark reading of your crystal ball may be medication. It’s a long shot, but sometimes antidepressants and/or mood stabilizers have a calming effect on hair-trigger tempers. It sounds like the issue is important enough, and hard enough to control in other ways, to be worth the risk of a few medication trials, as long as they’re low-risk in terms of possible side-effects which, for most of these medications, they are. Meds can’t cure you and silence Ms. Hyde forever—nothing can—but they can help manage your impulses.

There are, of course, helpful management techniques you can try without pills. Aside from spending time apart from your husband, you can give yourself short time-outs and use that time to try relaxation treatments, like hypnosis and meditation. See if you can find a group of other nice people with anger problems, and try to find a therapist who’s a good anger coach. Stay away from therapy that promises to resolve your issues, looking instead for treatments that help you to accept them and learn to live with them.

Don’t be overly critical of your evil side; doing so just weakens your Dr. Justyou side by increasing your self-hate and telling you that your terrible anger problem has rendered your love worthless. You wouldn’t have taken on the burden of a close relationship, with all the draining fights and apologies that go with it, if you didn’t love your husband. It just means that keeping your love on track will always require hard work.

From what you’ve written, you have a husband who accepts you and isn’t overly alarmed by your anger, which was a good choice on your part. Also encouraging is that fact that you’re not afraid to take responsibility for your anger and apologize. Now, if you can learn to accept this problem as an unfortunate fact of life, you can gain new tools for keeping Ms. Hyde under control and being the kind of Mrs. you want to be.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m possessed by an evil demon whose anger will spoil any close relationship I try to make, and whom I can’t kill. I know, however, that I love my husband and that I have the capacity to love and care for him during the times that I’m not possessed. I may not be able to change my evil feelings, but I believe I can improve the way I manage them, as long as I put in the time and effort that such control will require.”

For the first 10 years of our marriage, I thought my husband and I were doing great. He worked very hard at a high tech job after graduating top of his class in graduate school and, though the kids and I didn’t get to see too much of him, I respected the security he was building for the family and tried hard not to burden him with our emotional needs. Three years ago, however, he was fired for what I now understand was a basic problem getting along with people and, since then, his job search has been lousy. It’s not just that he’s depressed. It’s more that he gets obsessed by things that don’t matter and resists spending time networking or getting coaching. If I suggested he do things differently, he treats me as if I’m needy or unsympathetic and now both are true. I feel I can’t count on him as a friend or breadwinner and I’m angry because I’m now carrying the full load. My goal is to find a way to get into treatment, so that we can recover what we once had and he can get back his confidence.

No wonder you had faith in your husband’s future and felt he could put his life together if only you could find the right way to give him confidence. The problem, however, is that some guys with great intellects, amazing school performance, and poor interpersonal skills do badly in their careers, to their great disappointment and everyone else’s, and it can’t be helped. I suspect that’s the case here because you’ve been working hard to help him for several years, and, as in the case above, the fact that you haven’t been able to probably means that you can’t.

If you’ve left any stones unturned, turn them over. Consult with a psychiatrist and/or career coach about any ways of giving your husband good coaching and/or advice. Inform his physician (voicemail will do) about your husband’s condition and suggest screening for depression and/or any possible Hail Mary dynamite that might get him going.

If nothing works (which, unfortunately, is sometimes the case), prepare for Plan B, which assumes your husband is really stuck and you’ve got to make the best of it. Count on him, if you can, for childcare, but if bread is to be won, it will be won by you. Treat what’s happened as a huge loss, but respect yourself for the load you carry despite your husband’s issues.

Give your husband tasks that you think he can actually perform and try to motivate him positively. If you express disappointment or anger (which you’re entitled to feel), he’ll do less, feel worse, and make you feel guilty, a natural vicious circle that is lurking to entrap you. So adopt the professional demeanor of a rehabilitation therapist which, in effect, you are, and keep your reactions to yourself.

It’s OK, at least in my book, to ask yourself whether you want to stick with him indefinitely, but don’t leave him because you’re angry. Leave him if you think he’s too disabled to contribute much to the family and things would go better without him. Meanwhile, do your best to build him up and appreciate the job you’re doing as an unexpectedly single parent whose oldest dependent cannot play well with others.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe the guy I married could become as useless and dysfunctional as my husband has become, but I know by this point that no one has the answer to his decline, so I’m going to do my best to pick up the slack, get him to contribute in any way he can, and decide for myself whether our current partnership is best for our family.”