Corrosive Courtship

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 2, 2012

Sure, there’s something to the childhood logic that first comes love, then comes marriage, but only between two people who aren’t allergic to commitment, which has much more to do with character than love. Instead of trying to forcibly wrest commitment from the one you love, even if that someone seems totally loveable, focus your own ability to commit, and insist on receiving the same without negotiation. If they can’t meet that commitment, then what you’ve got isn’t true love, and it’s time to find someone else to sit in the tree with.
–Dr. Lastname

I know it’s a cliché, but here goes. For a little over a year, off and on, I’ve been dating this smart, good looking, talented guy, and when we’re alone, he’s sweet and perfect. Thing is, he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re together/”be official,” so when we’re together in public, he either ignores me or acts like a jerk (which he says he’s doing so his friends won’t suspect anything). He also stands me up and doesn’t call me back, which is why we’ve broken up a few times, but then he begs for my forgiveness, reminds me why I like him, and we start seeing one another regularly again until a few weeks later, when he fades away until I can’t take it anymore, and then it all repeats, over and over. He swears he’s just confused about making our relationship public and official, but I can’t put up with this much longer. What can I do to convince him to get over his fears, admit we’re together, and be the great guy I know full-time?

Love gets people to think with their hearts instead of their minds, and since your heart’s currently taking you on an emotional rollercoaster, your mind’s a little too dizzy to think straight, or at least see the big picture.

After all, treating you badly in public is a dubious tactic, no matter what the motivation, and ignoring you, with or without a suspicious audience, is also almost impossible to justify. The way you’ve described his overall behavior does not make your boyfriend seem “sweet,” and certainly not “perfect,” but very close to “jerk.”

So stop being in the moment and take a second to look for facts that could put this guy’s behavior into perspective. Otherwise, you won’t be able to do anything but pick the petals off flowers asking yourself whether he loves you or loves you not, and what you’re supposed to do to make it work. Unfortunately, all that leaves you with is a bunch of bald daisies and no self-esteem.

Remember, you can’t expect a boyfriend to be a loyal, available friend unless that’s the kind of guy he is and always has been. While your experience with him has been problematic, it’s a safe bet that he’s got a problem making commitments and tolerating the expectations that go with being a couple, and that this problem didn’t start with you. Since he’s not owning up to the problem or trying to change it, you can be pretty sure it’s not going to change.

Changing him is the false hope you need to kill, although it’s understandable how painful that must be. Once you let that hope go, however, it frees you from responsibility for winning him over and/or figuring him out, while protecting you from repeated heartbreak. So, while it’s sad that he’s got an incurable kink in the commitment zone in his brain and will never be fixed on fidelity, it’s good to know that it’s not your fault and you’re free to move on.

If you’re now able to state what you know to be true, as opposed to what you wish were true, you’re also free to lay down the law. Specify the amount of time and availability you require in a steady partner without being nasty, personal, or blaming. Let him know what will happen if he can’t come through, and, even more important, stand by your criteria when he fucks up, as you know he will. Then let him know he can’t come back unless he owns up to his problem and presents you with a credible plan of correction. Don’t be diverted to other topics of conversation; stay focused on your terms, not his.

You probably won’t like where the conversation ends, but if you’re with someone who doesn’t have the stuff to handle a real relationship, a happy ending is not an option.

What you’re after isn’t happiness, it’s the strength to free yourself and stay true to your legitimate needs, regardless of how attractive someone is and how wonderful it feels to be with them. The trick isn’t to control him—it’s to control yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I’ve found true love and the problem is that I can’t keep it, but I know I’m doing nothing wrong and that true love doesn’t require endless pursuit. I will accept the fact that I can’t have true love until I find a boyfriend who’s not just loveable but also loves commitment and I will trust my ability to size up that capacity and know what I’m getting into before I let myself go.”

I cheated on my husband, he found out, and I feel terrible about it. I felt bad before he found out, but now that I see how much I’ve hurt him, it’s killing me. I didn’t mean for the affair to happen—I drank too much with an old friend who’d always been flirty, and things went too far—but he doesn’t believe me when I say I’m sorry, and most of our friends have turned against me. I know I did something wrong, and I don’t want our marriage to end over this. How do I convince him I regret what I did and feel worse than I ever thought possible?

As long as your apology is sincere, and I’m sure it is, you’ve done what you can do to share your feelings with your husband, and now it’s time to think about your relationship with yourself. You might believe that finding the right words can win him over, but that’s probably a false hope, so better give up on figuring out how to pursue your husband’s forgiveness and move on to how else you can improve the mess you’re in.

First, accept that your primary issue isn’t with him, but with yourself. If you fucked up once, you’re going to fuck up again unless you take steps to prevent it, so start by getting your drinking under control. I don’t mean that you necessarily have blackouts or withdrawal, just that drinking makes you do things you regret. In order to regain your self-trust, you need better control over your behavior, beginning with booze.

While you’re at it, look for other triggers, like a taste for flirtation, danger, and/or boredom avoidance, all of which may also set you up for trouble. Wallowing in shame will only get in the way of your understanding what you’re up against and learning to spot trouble before it happens.

Ask a friend to help you conduct this self-examination, or use a therapist. Look for someone who can help you define the behavior you need to change, suggest ways of changing it, and give you feedback on whether you’re succeeding. Once you’re confident that you’ve got yourself under better control, you can offer your husband reassurance as well as apology. You can challenge him to read your future deeds, rather than the sincerity of your tears.

While you hope you married a guy who doesn’t hold grudges forever and can respect evidence of serious commitment, you might not be so lucky. If he refuses to give you a second chance, don’t change your goal. It’s not just to win him back (though that would be nice); it’s to be a person that you and your next partner can trust.

STATEMENT:
“I hate myself for betraying my husband, but I take responsibility for examining my actions and becoming a person I can trust. I will try to convey my love and regret to my husband and my determination to be a better partner. If that’s not enough, then I chose the wrong guy, but not the wrong goal.”