Jacked Habits

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2012

When a bad habit gets between you and something you really want, it’s hard not to expect that good motivation, loads of therapy and deep insight into why you’re fucking up will give you the control you need. Unfortunately, bad habits don’t have easy solutions; they often have a life of their own and, short of administering a good ol’ lobotomy, the power of therapists often falls short. That’s when you need to accept that, for many of us, the best solution for bad habits isn’t a great therapist, but good management.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know why I’m always getting in my own way, but I’ve been a fuck-up since I was a kid in foster care (my parents were drug addicts who couldn’t take care of me). I’ve managed to hold the job that I really love, but I almost lost it after 5 happy, productive years because, for a 6 month period, I couldn’t get myself to show up on time. I’d get up on time, but then find some reason to arrive late, and I couldn’t stop myself until I was within an inch of being fired. I got it together to find a therapist, but I can’t get myself to take medication he prescribes, even though I think it could really help me. I also can’t get rid of my drug-addict girlfriend though I and all my friends think she’s a deadbeat user who does nothing for me. My therapist says I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal is to get control of my life.

It would be nice if the only thing standing between you and keeping your job safe, your home ex-girlfriend-free, and your sanity was depression, fatigue, or low self-esteem, but your problem is probably worse than that. It’s not a matter of what you have; it’s more who you are.

So if you think that a supportive therapist or a pick-me-up drug will do the job, you’re wasting your time and heading for more self-disappointment. You did a great job of diagnosing yourself from the get-go—you’re a fuck-up—and, while you’re not hopeless, you’re not going to get the help you need that easily.

Like Asshole ™, fuck-up is a diagnostic term; it means you’ve got a willful, needy, evil demon inside your personality, or, to put it more plainly, you’re possessed in a way that makes you decision-impaired. Having a traumatic background will do that to a guy.

You had to keep a lot of fear and pain walled off when you were a kid in order to survive, and, by the time you’re an adult, those emotions have a life, almost a personality, of their own. You probably needed the fuck-up demon/trait in order to get by, and while it was useful back then, it comes with a price.

So when you get the urge to stay away from work, it’s hard to control. If your boss gives you grief at work, the urge gets stronger because the demon wants to tell him to go fuck himself. It’s not until you were really cornered that you could find the strength to push yourself to work on time, and it was a close thing.

Given that the problem is in your personality and hard to control, it’s remarkable that you’ve done so well. You care about your work, you’ve worked hard for many years, and you have clear goals. Despite the fact that your inner demon is pretty tough and hard to control, you’ve done an amazing job. Getting stronger is possible—it will just take patience and positive thinking.

First, as they say in Alcoholics (and Demons) Anonymous, you have to admit and be unashamed of your helplessness and lack of control. Then, lower your expectations and learn from experience. You were able to control your demon when the people around you created simple, tough choices; over time, try to create similar limits for yourself, before other people have to do it for you. Instead of tearing yourself down for being self-destructive, build up your reasons for valuing your job and your control over your own life. With time, your love for the positive things in your life can help you control your destructive weaknesses.

Be open about your problem. You’ll find there are more fuck-ups than you think (see below), and they aren’t all kids of drug addicts, nor are they all doomed. You’ve already accomplished a lot, so don’t think being fuck-up has to hold you down.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m my own worst enemy, but I know I’ve got good reason to have a complicated personality and I’ve done a good job to keep most of the negative impulses in check. I’ll keep working at my self-control and respect myself for the effort, regardless of whether my dark side sometimes gets the better of me.”

I’ve got a good life and enjoy a demanding job as an executive, so I don’t understand why I sometimes slip up and stop taking my medications for depression for several weeks at a time. I’ve taken the medication for years because I believe it’s good for me and I clearly get irritable, tearful and less functional when I stop. No matter how often I prove this to myself, however, I still stop taking it, even though it’s a first-thing-in-the-morning medication that, theoretically, is easy to take. My goal is to figure out why I do this and stop playing around with my meds.

Even smart people from good homes have powerful bad habits that are hard to get rid of. As in the case above, we’d like to explain these bad habits in simple terms that would make them easier to understand and change. The trouble is, these concepts raise expectations for improving your self-control and then often don’t come through, which makes you feel like a loser.

Give various treatments a try, if you haven’t already. Try talk therapy, hypnosis, anything you have yet to try. If they don’t work, however, don’t think you’re the only one. Certain powerful, self-defeating behaviors are hard to control and people who are good at controlling everything else in their lives tend to be very ashamed of them.

You might have trouble identifying with the guy above who has a demon who attacks his control over almost every important area of his life. Your small area of dyscontrol may be just as hard to manage, however, and more so because your expectations are higher. You have a touch of the fuck-up for sure, but it’s limited to this one area. That makes you both lucky and screwed.

In order to tame your mini-demon, lower your expectations and use your strengths, and use the control you have to fight that part of your personality that defies control. Create a numbered list of morning tasks that must be done before you leave the bathroom, post it right above the sink, and make it your first task to take your meds. If you leave the bathroom without accomplishing every task, go back. Otherwise, give yourself a pre-arranged consequence. You can also put that list on the door to the garage, the steering wheel, various stop signs on the way to work, etc. Each time you continue on without returning to the bathroom to take your meds, give yourself an additional consequence.

Compared to the case above, your bad habit is relatively simple, and your management skills well-developed. Nevertheless, you need to respect the power of your demon/degree of fuck-up-itude and put shame aside before you can fight effectively to strengthen your self-control and stick to your meds.

STATEMENT:
“It makes no sense that I can function so well in most areas of my life and have so little control over taking my medications, but it’s a fact, and I have to learn to swallow my pride. If the usual therapies don’t help, I’ll accept the fact that I’ve got a dangerous, out-of-control bad habit and use every management technique I can find to get the upper hand.”