The Deep Blue Me

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 9, 2012

Depression and life’s miseries have an amazing way of working together to make you feel like a loser who doesn’t belong, has nothing to contribute, and should not get out of bed. That other people are happy just makes you wonder what you did wrong, when it’s just misfortune and depression doing their job really well. The fact is, however, that we create value in life by pursuing what we believe is most important, regardless of whether we get lucky along the way. That’s why you need to assess whether you’ve done your best to live up to your values, disregarding negative thoughts and the failures over which you had no control. Then pain and negative thinking can’t succeed in damaging you, which means you won’t damage yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m not even sure where to begin so I’ll try and keep this as short and concise as possible. I come from a broken family– my mother was abusive and distant, and I became that way to the point where it was hard for me to feel genuine love for anyone because I never learned what love is. I got away from my family and had a string of bad relationships (where if I think about it, I am to blame really). I then met and almost immediately married my husband. He went along with it because he loved me, I pushed for it because I was insecure. I didn’t “feel” any real love for him but wanted him to validate my feelings because I believed then that that’s how love grows. For me back then, love = infatuation. I admit I’ve been messed up. I’ve beaten myself up enough. Anyway, our marriage has been rocky with a major indiscretion on my part and several minor ones (chatting/talking on the phone with strangers) on his part. He forgave me for my error and begged me to stay (this was 3 years ago). Only just a few months ago have I realized how fucked up I am and how I’ve let my “feelings” guide me to hell. I’m still trying to rewire myself and it’s hard work. Unfortunately I recently found out that my husband was still talking to random women for hours because “he’s lonely.” What scares me is that even though I am working on my issues, he still feels lonely and it’s likely he will hurt me again. I realize now that I do love him but I can’t always project it the right way or appear to be happy when really I’m feeling like shit. I keep thinking it’s all my fault that he feels lonely and that nothing I will ever do will help this. I’m really tired of dealing with my own crap and now realizing that he has his own set of issues that may or may not be related to me. I’m very confused. How do I stop obsessing over our faults and focus on the good? I don’t want to throw away everything I’ve accomplished because of my ‘moods’. Please help. How can I trust him again and more importantly, trust myself?

There are a lot of smart people out there with high standards, like yourself, who have brains that naturally favor negative thinking and family backgrounds that are full of sad events and broken relationships.

As such, it’s not your fault that your mind tends to put fault on you and call you broken. What’s worse, if you try to be more positive, your brain pushes back by calling your efforts to think happy thoughts a dismal failure (which, of course, they’re not). Brain 1, You 0.

So, instead of trying to focus less on your faults, aim higher by taking pride in your many remarkable accomplishments. After all, if you can’t think differently, you can nevertheless force yourself to think about different things.

You married a guy whom you thought was decent, thinking you’d grow to love him, and you were right, thus proving that your unhappy childhood and cold demeanor couldn’t stop you from caring deeply about someone. Your relationship has withstood your having an affair and his spending lots of phone time with other women. All in all, this is not a case of someone who’s cursed to feeling depressed and lonely all her life.

If your hope is to develop a happier relationship with your husband, however, ask yourself first whether that’s possible. As you said, he may have issues of his own that you’ve only now begun to be aware of and that you may not be able to influence. The only way to tell is by trying to be a good partner and seeing what happens.

Instead of trying to prove your love for him, try dating him, i.e., spending time together and giving him attention. If you feel scared or needy, sit tight and don’t cheat. Assuming you meet your own basic standards for fidelity and availability, ask yourself whether he can stop his phone affairs and do the same. Also, ask whether your life with him is better than life without him. Then you’ll have your answer. Don’t get tripped up by your brain and expect to be happy or blame you or him for your unhappiness; just find the facts.

If you need a happy relationship to prove your self-worth, then you’re caught in a vicious circle. Don’t hope to control the happiness of your relationship; you can’t, and trying too hard will make you responsible for how it turns out.

If, on the other hand, you respect the progress you’ve made and give yourself credit for doing your share, then you can find out whether this relationship can take you to the next level without feeling like a loser if it can’t. Your brain may still work in its usual negative way, but it can’t stop you from moving in a positive direction.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve always felt like I’m an empty person from an empty family who has nothing to give, but I know better. I do have something to offer, I can act like a good partner, and, if my husband isn’t right for me, I can continue my search for someone who is.”

I’ve had depression for 40 years and have never got over the feeling of wanting to go to sleep and never having to wake up. My wife couldn’t stand my depression and divorced me many years ago. I love my kids and grandkids and I know they want me to keep on going, but now that I’ve started dialysis for kidney failure, I don’t have to make a big effort to kill myself. Just stopping dialysis will do the job, painlessly. I’m not feeling particularly depressed now, at least, not more than usual, so my medications are probably working as well as ever (which is to say, they help me not feel totally miserable). But my feelings about dying haven’t changed in 40 years and it’s hard for me to see why I shouldn’t finally have my wish.

Doing anything simply because you want to is never a good idea; along with thumbs and cable, cognitive reasoning is what makes humans a superior species, so don’t take it for granted.

I’ll assume you’re familiar with the way depression can make you feel like a worthless failure who has always been a burden to those you love. I also assume you know better, and that you’re strong and wise enough not to let distorted beliefs drive you to suicide. If I’m wrong, your job is to work with a coach or therapist to challenge your negative beliefs with the reality, which is usually much more positive.

I further assume you also know that wanting to die, as a raw feeling, can result from depression without there being any other reason. Keats called it being “half in love with easeful death.” As with any urge, however strong or persistent, your job is to figure out whether it pushes you to hurt people you love or fail in what you regard as your major obligations. Acting on those urges may cause you to betray what you believe in, so your first job is to consider what you believe in.

My guess, from what you say, is that you believe in being a good father and friend, so assess the negative impact of your death on what you wanted to achieve with those close relationships. Don’t be afraid to ask their opinion while letting them know that your wish to die has nothing to do with your feelings for them and that you’re carefully considering your goals as a father or grandfather. Don’t be afraid to make them sad—you’d hate to think that your impact was so negative or negligible that they wouldn’t miss you—but what you’re trying to find out is whether you’re needed in some way that’s important and can’t be satisfied by other sources.

Then you’re free to do what you think is right. Your goal isn’t to choose life over death; after all, we all die. It’s to be true to your lifelong values and protect yourself from the distortions of depression or its close cousins, rage and despair.

If you believe you’ve done your job, and that you’re not controlled by distorted thinking, then take pride in what you’ve achieved in spite of constant pain as you do or don’t give yourself permission to let go. If you do a thorough and careful assessment, consult your values as well as your wishes, and dismiss depressive lies, I assume you’ll make the right decision.

STATEMENT:
“I’m wanted to die for as long as I can remember, but I’ve stayed alive because of the people I love and the things I believe in and that hasn’t changed. If I’m ready to consider dying as an option, it will be because I’ve done all I can to be a good father and friend and now have no reason to continue living in pain.”