Loose Change

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 2, 2012

Wishing someone will change is a lot like wishing you’ll get disgustingly wealthy or that your worst enemy will drop dead; it’s futile, not entirely healthy, and will leave you feeling like a jerk. If that person feels you don’t accept their personality, they usually get worse (and blame you), and if your needs are stronger than your sense of reality, you won’t be able to get over it and stop nagging. Either way, the change they’re most likely to make is leaving for to a new place far away from you, or, worse yet, staying in a state of perpetual resentment. Instead, see if you can get them to want to change. If they can’t, your job is to do the best with the limitations you’ve got (yours or the other guy’s), and either make it work or make a plan to move on (that doesn’t hinge on great wealth or homicide).
–Dr. Lastname

Is past behavior really the best way of predicting future behavior or can a leopard sometimes change its spots? I am aware that people mature, evolve, adapt, etc. but wonder if they can ever really overcome long-held behavior patterns such as dishonesty. Do we tend to revert to character by default setting whatever relationship or job we are in? My partner is kind and loving in many ways but his workaholism and difficult mother are starting to cause problems between us just as they did in his marriage whereas my ex appears to have improved without me. My goal is to learn from the past and avoid falling into the same old situations.

Instead of wasting time and avoiding hard truths by debating whether leopards can change their spots, look at your current particular leopard and ask yourself what he has done with his spots in their current, seemingly-permanent placement.

If the answer is unacceptable, you might search for a spot-removing/issue-solving specialist. You won’t find one with any real power to change much of anything, but at least the search will allow you to stall for a while and allow specialists like myself to pay the mortgage.

If you fight with your partner about his spots/work habits and overbearing mother, it becomes much harder to tell what he’s going to do with them. He’ll claim your attitude is making things worse or he’ll offer to change because he wants to make you happy. Once you start to feel responsible for improving his problems, you can be pretty sure they aren’t going to get better. What bothers you is the feeling that he might do better with them if you weren’t trying to change him and make things better.

So, to predict his spot-management future, put your deeper feelings aside, if you can, while looking at the evidence. As you said, no matter what your partner claims or wishes he’s capable of, he’s likely to manage his problems the way he always has. If your ex, on the other hand, appears to be a new man now that you’re not around, it’s either because he’s released from your disapproval, or is (temporarily) trying to look good for someone new.

If your partner is honest about his problems and seems to have his own reasons for changing, then you’ve got real reason to hope. After that, your assessment is based on how much he’s able to do.

Control your feelings, don’t push too hard, and you will usually be able to tell how likely a particular leopard is to change, not his spots, but his spot-management. The hard part isn’t figuring out whether he’ll change, it’s controlling the feelings that make you unwilling to accept what you see and/or that propel you to try to change him.

If you can accept him as is, then stop trying to change him and focus instead on changing your attitude. You won’t have a perfect man, but a man is better than a spotted leopard any day.

STATEMENT:
“There’s no one whose bad traits bother me more than those of a close partner, but I know better than to try to change him. My job isn’t to change him or figure out why he is the way he is; it’s to see what he’s really like and figure out what I want to do with him. “

I wish my wife would stop moaning about feeling rejected and deceived by her parents. She’s 40 now and we have 2 great kids and a good marriage, except for the fact that she’s preoccupied with blaming her mother for not telling her the truth about the guy she thought was her father, who married her mother, took good care of the family, and paid for her college, but was never that involved in her life. I resent her moping, but I can’t get her to snap out of it, which is my goal.

You wish your wife would stop moping, she wishes she could change the past, and you both need to wish less and accept reality more.

Since you’re writing me for help, I assume you’ve encouraged your wife to leave the past alone, and it’s not working. If you try to get her to stop ruminating (see above), she will probably feel misunderstood and rejected, and then you’re responsible for making it worse. The best you can do is offer her reasons for stopping, apart from the fact that’s it’s pissing off her husband.

If she believes that a conversation with her mother might clear the air, ask her whether there are any risks (with some mothers, a heart-to-heart talk about paternity is a bad idea), and support her efforts to do whatever she feels might ease her pain, as long as it seems reasonably likely to help.

At some point, she’ll reach a point of diminishing returns. Try to determine that point objectively, in terms of the likelihood of her feeling better after more reflection or discussion, and not subjectively, in terms of how annoyed you are at her unresponsiveness. Then, if she doesn’t realize it herself, let her know why you think she’s done all she can do and now needs to accept her past and move on.

You don’t have to feel her pain; just respect the fact that she has it and that she can’t find a way to resolve it. Your point isn’t that she should feel better than she does, just that she should accept the fact that she can’t get rid of it and start wishing less and doing more.

STATEMENT:
“I hate my wife’s preoccupation with the past and I’d love to tell her to snap out of it, but I know I can’t. I don’t share her temperament and I can’t see why she needs to dwell in the past, but I’ll support her in doing anything that might give her relief.”