(Dis)missing The Point

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012

When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.

If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.

As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.

So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama.

Begin by creating a set of rules and procedures for managing visitors—all visitors, including your mother-in-law. Decide on your family’s visiting hours and set your own criteria for waking your baby (although the only criterion will probably be fire). Change your locks and make sure your mother-in-law doesn’t have a key.

Compose a few polite speeches for managing all your worst-case-scenario mother-in-law situations. If she shows up unexpectedly, express regrets for not being able to invite her in because you’ve got something you’ve got to do. No explanations. If she won’t leave, tell her you’re sorry you have to ask her to leave, because you’ve got something that can’t wait.

If your husband asks why you’re being tough, tell him that you’re the one who has to run the schedule and do what works best. It’s important to nurture a positive relationship with his mother and this will happen by giving her clear limits and sticking with them, given the fact that she’s somewhat impulsive and loose about time.

If you find rules you can believe in and remain confident, you don’t need to explain, apologize, or win your husband’s agreement. You have nothing negative to say about his mother, you just have rules to put in place and uphold in order to maintain a positive atmosphere for your child.

If you remain confident, you can create healthy, protective boundaries for your family without risking humiliation or being drawn into conflicts you can’t win. Don’t worry about getting through to anyone, just get your house in order and your mother-in-law will have to respect that, even if she never gets the point.

STATEMENT:
“My mother-in-law’s pushiness makes my skin crawl, but I’m the mother now, and I know enough to come up with good rules for my family that can withstand anyone’s pushiness and I’m polite enough to enforce them without any overt hostility.”

I wish I could get through to my brother, who can’t stop loving the wife who is ruining his life. After 30 years of marriage and encouraging him to spend all his money on her relatives (they had no kids), she left him because she decided she no longer loved him. The stock market crash left him broke and his gray hair has kept him unemployed, while she’s sitting pretty on the money she stashed away. What drives me nuts is the way he can’t stop yearning for her and thinking about ways of getting her back. He needs to call his contacts, get a job, and recover his self-esteem. Instead, he wants to tell me about her and says I’m unsympathetic if I don’t listen. I want to get through to him.

I don’t need to advise you on ways of getting through to your brother, because you’ve probably done a good job. You’ve reminded him that he has his own gifts and suggested steps he could take to save money and get a job. Other friends have probably done the same, but so far, nobody’s been able to breach your brother’s obsessive love.

While most of us experience and learn from bad love, some people never recover. Looking back, you may see elements in your brother’s personality that made him more vulnerable, but in any case, he’s fucked, and it’s not his fault or yours.

Now that we’ve killed off your false hope in stopping his ex-focused obsession, you can be more helpful. For one thing, you can protect yourself from anger and impatience by not trying so hard to get through. Instead of arguing him out of talking about her, you can simply declare her an undesirable topic and remind him about the good steps he can take to build a new life.

You can also temper his feelings of failure by reminding him that many good people have lost their money in recent years and many good people have bad marital luck. Putting aside what he doesn’t control, he’s been true to his love and he’s been a giving, supportive person. Whatever happens, he can be proud of his own role in a sad partnership, and you’re proud of him and love him, no matter what.

Don’t let your sadness prevent you from appreciating his strengths. You can’t protect him from past decisions or a super-glued love-bond, but you can admire his character and give him hope for the future. Even if you can’t talk sense into your brother, you can still offer support.

STATEMENT:
“I’m frightened to think of what will become of my poor, love-blasted brother, but I know he’s still a good guy, whatever happens, and I will not give up on trying to help him survive the massive bad luck he has endured.”