Blame Over

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012

Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname

Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?

Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.

On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low.

Maybe your bad luck has demoralized you because you’re gifted; talented people expect more from themselves, which is a good thing when it prompts you to work hard. Unfortunately, hard luck for the gifted feels like a bigger failure, because you’re falling from a plateau of higher self-expectations.

In any case, what you should be thinking about is not the size of the mess you’re in, but whether you’ve conducted yourself well through hard times. Nothing you’ve mentioned suggests that you’ve compromised your values or given up. Your only sins appear to be getting older, losing your job, and finding yourself in a friendship desert. You’re not a lucky guy, but you have no reason to be ashamed.

No, I won’t urge you to talk to someone who’s even older, poorer, and more depressed and hypothyroid than you, in order to make yourself feel relatively lucky. After all, comparing yourself with the unluckier does nothing to make you appreciate the strength you’ve shown in your own struggles. Plus it just makes you wonder who’s getting to feel better by comparing himself to you.

So don’t blame your bad luck on a lack of inner harmony or an unhealthy life style, and don’t expect to feel good when life sucks. Respect your pain, particularly if you haven’t let it stop your efforts or change your values. Keep looking for meaningful employment (any employment is meaningful), meaningful friends, and sexual relationships, meaningful or no.

If you see yourself as a survivor, rather than a guy who has lost his groove, your luck will have a much easier time turning. Forget secrets and rely on patience and perspective instead.

STATEMENT:
“I’m doing badly by almost every standard of success I know, and much worse than I used to, but that’s life. I know what I want to restore in my life, and nothing that has happened has changed my mind about the value of continuing down the same road.”

I wish my sister would get her head out of her ass and try to make a living and take care of her own baby son. She got pregnant when she was 20 because she thought a baby would love her unconditionally. Her boyfriend was obviously a deadbeat and now she expects our mother to pick up the slack. So now, 4 years later, she lives with our mother, makes a little money waitressing, gets every penny she can from welfare, and complains that our mother is too strict with her child, while never hesitating to ask her to babysit while she goes out drinking with friends. If my mother got tough on her, I believe my sister would be better off and so would my nephew.

It’s normal to believe that most of the undisciplined, close-relative fuckups you know could have been helped by a good swift kick in the pants while they were growing up. It’s also normal to retain this belief regardless of evidence to the contrary, such as said relative’s remaining a fuckup despite lots of expertly-placed kicks in the ass by well-meaning, if probably irritated, friends, teachers, relatives, therapists, etc.

In other words, we want to believe that fuck-ups are fuck-ups because they make bad choices, rather than because they’re fucked up. False hope springs eternal, except on this site, where it finds an eternal resting place.

So, if your sister hasn’t had a good swift kick before, give it a try. Remember, however, your goal isn’t to set her straight; it’s to see if it’s possible, while preparing for the possibility that it isn’t. Calling out a fuck-up on their behavior tends to have a Beatlejuice-like effect; the more you say it, the better chance it will fully flower and the true fuck-up demon will emerge.

Ask yourself what your goal is if it turns out that she’s an incurable fuck-up who sees herself as mistreated by a mean family that punishes her for her bad luck and makes her feel guilty when she tries to grab a little happiness. Some people blame themselves for bad luck (see above); fuck-ups blame everybody else for their own bad habits. You can see then why a come-to-Jesus talk about growing up and being less self-centered would probably stiffen her victim-identity and create conflict that would do no good for her child. You can also see why your goal had better include lots of restraint.

As usual, your goal must manage several conflicting priorities. After beginning with the notion that you can’t fix what/who’s truly broken, you’re left with the goal of protecting your mother and nephew while aggravating your sister as little as possible.

Decide whether there’s much you or your mother can do to protect your nephew from his flaky mama’s neglect and how much of that protection you can afford to provide, given your limited resources. If your sister feels that you’re being a better mother than she, she’ll feel threatened and withdraw your visitation credentials, so you must also make her feel competent while, at the same time, making up for her incompetence.

Your foot may yearn to connect with its well-kicked target, but you’ll do better if you accept your sister’s limitations and, to some degree, your inability to protect your nephew while exploring ways of helping him with the resources you actually have. Remember, a major resource is your ability to make your sister feel good about her strengths, instead of defensive about her fuck-up status. If you stay positive and expect little, you’ll get more out of her than any ass-kicking would, verbal or otherwise.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard not to feel that we’re making my sister worse by coddling her and making her life easier, but I know that her spoiled attitude is hers for keeps, and that my prime goal is to help those who can be helped, if and when I can, which is exactly what I’m doing.”