Further Notes On Failures

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2012

Macho sports-types like to say that failure is not an option, and in a totally not-macho way, they’re absolutely right. After all, we all have different definitions of success, and while individual skill is a factor, so are luck, fate, and a mess of other circumstances that we can’t control and/or overcome completely. So if you can’t meet certain expectations or fix pressing problems, the good news is, failure is not an option; if you do your best with whatever it is you actually control, judging for yourself what that is, you can never lose.
–Dr. Lastname

At this point in my life I’m not sure in which direction to turn. I am a 37-year-old female going through a divorce, had to move back home and just failed nursing school by just a few points in my final semester. I was so devastated about failing nursing school that I basically fell off the grid for a while. Many of my peers feel as though the school was unfair and are encouraging me to fight this, and I have hired attorneys who have sent letters to the school and are now talking about litigation. All of this is starting to become so overwhelming that I feel like I am starting to spin into a deep depression again. It is so hard to watch everyone around me succeed and pass me by in life. My question is this, should I go on with fighting the school and sink more time and energy into something I’m uncertain of? Or should I just throw in the towel and try something else. I am so conflicted and would love just a no nonsense straight answer without all the fluff. Any insight would be so appreciated.

People feel like failures when they fall behind the achievements of their over-achieving peers, but, by the age of 37, you’ve earned the right to define your progress, or lack of it, in your own terms, regardless of what your school thinks.

Of course you hate to watch your friends pass you by, but don’t ask yourself why you’re not keeping up with them. Instead, ask why you’re wasting time comparing yourself to them instead of asking yourself where you stand according to your own standards, and what you want to do next.

Think of nursing school as an investment rather than a race; instead of fretting about whether you should fight to the finish line for a degree, determine whether you like nursing enough to put in the extra time and money required. Not getting your degree is a setback, but consider whether it’s telling you that you just can’t acquire the basic skills and aren’t meant to be a nurse, or if it simply means you have a problem with learning or exams. You’re the best person to ask and answer those questions, so get to it, and keep your eyes off the other guys.

If you have doubts about your ability to be a nurse, ask your mentors. Consider the many different job types that nurses have, speak to nurses who are doing them, and ask yourself whether there’s one you’d fit.

Since you’re not telling me that you failed because of you were goofing off and didn’t try, remember that falling short while trying hard is never a failure. If you still want to pursue the degree, consider whether you can afford the re-investment (in lawyers’ fees, tuition, etc.) and keep plugging. If you decide to stop, it’s not because you lacked the courage to continue, but because, by your own assessment, nursing isn’t right for you.

If you define your goal in terms of comparisons and frustrated feelings, you’re a three-time loser; your marriage failed, you failed the exams, and you failed to launch. If, instead, you judge people by how hard they try and why, then you have succeeded in almost finishing your nursing education, escaping (and learning) from a bad marriage, and forging strong family bonds that can help you get through your hard times.

So, while we’re sorry we can’t settle your uncertainty and determine your future, it’s only because you’re the best judge of what you can do and how hard you tried. There will always be uncertainty, but if you ignore the crowd, you can figure out your own path.

STATEMENT:
“Nothing I’ve touched is working out, but not through a lack of good effort or good values. Though I feel like a failure, most of what has defeated me is bad luck, and the mistakes, if any, I can learn from. There’s no defeat to live down; just a decision to be made about whether the next battle is worth fighting.”

After 40 years of parenting, I feel like my family is coming undone. My daughter and her ex-husband can’t seem to make a living or get their two ADD kids to therapy appointments. Because she can’t hold a job (or even think realistically about what jobs she can do), my daughter lost her apartment, which made it impossible for her to maintain visitation with her kids, who live with their father in his father’s large house. (I had a little money from my late wife’s life insurance, but otherwise my salary just barely covers expenses, and retirement is no longer an option). I used up my money helping my daughter pay for therapy, rent, and her previous apartment, and now I’m broke and can’t fend off disaster. Why can’t her ex work? Why can’t she get a job? Why can’t I protect my grandkids or get my daughter to function like a regular mother? I’ve totally lost control and, now that I’m out of dough, things are bound to get worse.

You wouldn’t be as distressed as you are if you weren’t prepared to give everything for your family, which is what you’ve done. One thing you’ve accomplished, and I don’t mean this sarcastically, is to prove that protecting your daughter and grandkids and/or straightening them out is beyond your control. No amount of money can buy you luck, but bad luck, as you’ve certainly learned, is passed out randomly, and for free.

So stop making yourself responsible for what you can’t change; it’s cruel and prevents you from being the good leader you could be. You can’t buy protection for your family, but you can give them hope.

First, you have to accept their limitations without wailing, whining, or railing. Your daughter and ex-son-in-law aren’t strong people, their kids aren’t in perfect health, and their finances aren’t stable, and no amount of protesting will change any of it.

So stop looking at worst case scenarios—it’s almost as bad as looking at happy, lucky people (see above)—and add up your resources. Then focus on what you can do.

You can’t provide your daughter with money and an apartment, but you can applaud her for trying hard to find work (whenever she does), advise her on her benefits, and remind her that her ancestors had a tough time struggling through the Great Depression, but they made it.

You can praise your son-in-law’s family for being supportive (rather than expressing your anger at their control of visitation) and spend as much time with the grandchildren as you can. Remember, as long as you stay positive and appreciate your family’s actual accomplishments, you’re providing leadership, which is also something not available in any store.

You probably made great sacrifices to provide your daughter with a middle class home and security, but now you must embrace a harder task for which sacrifice alone is insufficient. You must tolerate the chaos and unhappiness of your daughter’s life style and the limited resources available to her and your grandchildren, while helping everyone do their best. Sometimes not being able to sacrifice is harder than sacrifice itself.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand thinking about the future that awaits my daughter and grandchildren, but I have ancestors who survived worse. At least I can offer my family wisdom and encouragement. It’s not a challenge I would have chosen, but it’s one I can meet.”