Partner Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2012

Earlier this week, relationships were compared to bodies—both can withstand some damage while staying healthy—and now it’s time to look at them as cars. After all, some relationships look terrible from the outside but run without a problem, while others have an envious appearance but are internally falling apart. Instead of rating your relationship on how its general appearance makes you feel, determine what you’re in the relationship for and if you were able to do your part, given the two unchangeable characters involved. Then, whether or not you fight or feel close to your partner, you can respect yourself and decide what course, even if it’s full of curves, is more worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname

Please note: there will be no new post on Monday due to the holiday weekend. If we don’t take a day off, we’ll go nuts.

My marriage was a mismatch all along but lasted 30 years and produced 3 kids, now adult. We were young, he weak and immature, me insecure and needy after being abused and rejected as a kid. He provided and did his duty but was emotionally distant and rarely intimate with me. I had anger for both of us and acted as scapegoat for all the people who walked over him. He had an affair 20 years ago and I went crazy with anger and grief but I stayed dependent on him. Sex stopped years ago and he was tolerant of me seeing other men but still I hoped the marriage could be fixed. He left 3 years ago, bought a motorcycle, etc., but insisted he did not want divorce. He started seeing a co-worker but I only learned he had been involved with her for years when she confronted him at my home and made a huge scene about all his lying. He behaved weakly and ran away. He is still involved with this woman but does not live with her and has not started a divorce. The money remains joint. I have another man, a part time job, and my family but still harbor a vague hope that the marriage can somehow be fixed and made good. My goal is to accept reality and move from a state of limbo into letting go of a marriage which was co-dependent and unhealthy for decades.

Your marriage accomplished many of the goals that mattered most to you, your husband, and all those who approach marriage pragmatically. Most people would hope for their mismatches to be so lucky.

After all, you raised three kids, you kept working, and you still care about one another. You continue to try to support one another, in spite of the bad chemistry and mortal wounds. Most marriages would crumble under much less.

Sure, the dramatic story, which is all negative, may seem a lot more important, interesting, and likely to become a reality show on TLC. It doesn’t seem fair, however, to see you as hopelessly dependent or him as a weak, unfaithful scumbag. You’ve been through hard times and you’re still trying to make the best of a tough marriage.

You tolerated his distance, he tolerated your anger. You went crazy after he had an affair and still stuck with him, then he tolerated your affairs, and now you both tolerate your current outside relationships. It seems to me you both deserve respect, so start by showing that respect to yourself and your husband.

Then put aside the drama and ask yourself whether you’re better with what you’ve got, or whether you’d be better off with a divorce. Take into account the importance of treating your boyfriend honestly, making things easier for your kids, and simplifying your shared finances in the event of either of your deaths (which can be explained by that most essential of family therapists, your lawyer).

Instead of seeing yourself as a dependent loser, remind yourself that you’re a successful mother who has found more emotional satisfaction from two men than you were able to get from one, and who now needs to know how to protect her financial future while acting with integrity.

Drop the “dependent,” “co-dependent” and “unhealthy” lingo (they’re good for nothing but talking to pop psychologists), figure out the math, and then face your alternatives. At that point, you may not think so ill of your past compromises or find your future decisions so hard to make.

If you look at the reality of your situation, not the reality show, you might find that your definition of a mismatch may be misinformed.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my marriage is in limbo, but it’s done a lot of good and survived a long time in its own unique way. I will respect it, and the tough times I and my husband have endured to get this far, while I figure out whether I need do anything else to protect myself.”

I had a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years—we were together several times a week, did everything together, had a great sex life—until suddenly, about 9 months ago, he got this nervous look and finally confessed he needed some alone-time. It shook me up, but it clearly wasn’t related to anything I’d done, so I gave him some space, and things worked out after a week or so. And then it happened again, and again, until the last time 2 months ago when it was clear he wanted to see me, but much less often, and with no expectations that he would respond quickly to calls, get together if he didn’t feel like it, or decline to date someone new. I’m a mature woman and I continue to like the time we spend together, which is fine with him, but every time I notice his reluctance to answer a call I wonder if he’s started dating someone else, and it drives me nuts—which, of course, I can’t share with him. My goal is to enjoy the good parts of this relationship and get over my possessiveness.

The first question you should ask, when a guy you’ve come to love and trust suddenly gets cold feet, is not what you’ve done, but whether he’s done it before. Odds are, he has, because these things are never personal and always personality. That’s why I think that knowing how your prospective partner/lover feels about politics and art is nice, but knowing about his/her prior relationships is crucial.

You probably want to ask the ole shrink why certain people can’t endure close, long-term relationships and how they can be helped, but you’d be wasting your time; not only is there no answer that will do you or him any good, but the very question tries to restore a relationship you can’t have. Better forget about why and ask yourself how you’re going to manage the relationship, now that you know he’s commitment-impaired.

You may tell yourself that, by overcoming jealousy, neediness, and other unworthy emotions, you can continue to spend good time together, as friends with benefits, which, while a possible scenario, is unbelievably rare. Some people are wired to be partners and form tight bonds, and their inability to be casual has nothing to do with being weak or possessive and everything to do with the inner-workings of their brains.

So respect the fact that you may not be able to tolerate his lack of commitment, now that your brain has formed the kind of bond that binds geese for life. Yes, it’s nice to see him, but if you’re honest with yourself and tally up the hangover/heartache afterward, you’ll find yourself considering whether seeing him allows you to move on and find someone with whom commitment is possible. Do what’s best for you, not what satisfies your immediate yearnings or your brain’s commitment cravings.

You should be proud of your side of this relationship; he seemed like a good bet and you were a good partner, but you can’t make him take to commitment any more than he can make you OK with doing without it. Better to deal with a broken heart and find someone new than torturing your heart with a broken relationship.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to walk away from someone I love who is so happy to see me when we get together. I know, however, that he can’t stand my needs and I can’t stop them. If I respect these needs, and I do, I deserve better and will do what’s necessary to find someone who bonds the way I do.”