Secondary Support

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2012

Just because spending time with a certain someone is always a positive experience doesn’t mean that certain someone is actually a special candidate for meeting your needs. Whether you’re looking for a spouse or a shrink, many of the same rules apply; no matter how much you enjoy and trust that person, it’s your job to know what you want out of the relationship, what limits must be set in order to get there, and how much availability you require (and, with therapists, what lessons you can take from the relationship that can help you when availability is impossible). Defining the practical conditions that are necessary for the relationship that you want, and standing by them, are what make a certain someone not just special, but a smart investment.
–Dr. Lastname

I have experienced 2 bad marriages and the death of my only child at age 28 (one year ago). I’m now trying to rebuild my life and am in a relationship with a man who has experienced shit (horrible divorce) and raising his youngest child, a teenager. Unfortunately, he has trouble balancing family, work and dating, and I don’t know how to handle this during my grief time and uncertainty—I fluctuate between feeling my worries are unreasonable and justified. His ex wife screwed him kid-wise and money-wise, so he is bitter in lots of ways. On the other hand, I was equally screwed by my ex but pushed on and made my own way, so I don’t entirely sympathize with his resentment. I also understand that, because of his divorce, he hasn’t had a life with his kids and wants to establish a relationship with his son, but he also wants one with me, and I don’t think he knows how to balance these two goals. We’re both adults with good jobs who’ve experienced the same problems, but I’m not sure why we can’t get it together, and I want this to work.

As the survivor of an unbearable loss and the non-help of a deadbeat ex, you have a right to ignore other people’s resentment and bitterness. As such, you’re ready to move on and find a better relationship, and because your sorrows give you perspective, you know when someone else isn’t ready.

You obviously value your partner’s love for his kids, and see evidence of his fidelity in his long attachment to a crazy wife. You’re right, however, to have concerns about the flip side of this picture, which is his potential inability to control his over-responsiveness to whoever seems to need him more.

That’s always the rub with nice guys who marry needy, nasty ladies. They’re not just victims; they’re also addicted to running 911 hotlines for D. I.D.s, damsels in distress. Men like him often think most women are crazy, because that’s all they know; being nuts is a major prerequisite for most of their dates.

Dating you shows that he might’ve overcome that proclivity, but if he hasn’t overcome his addiction to helping the (overly) needy, or at least learned to manage it, you’re going to have a hard time.

Don’t get drawn into competing for his time and attention and don’t vent your feelings of neglect/irritation. Instead, believe in your ability to set reasonable standards for his investment and availability in your partnership, and then, without speaking ill of his neediest, let him know what those standards are. Show that you believe your requirements are fair and good for everyone.

If his behavior is good enough, good for you, but if it isn’t, don’t take it personally. It’s not that he loves you less, it’s that he’s addicted to neediness more. Your grief doesn’t impair your judgment, it sharpens it, because it tells you how important it is to seize happiness when it’s available and to let things go when it isn’t.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t like feeling needy and resentful of my nice guy boyfriend, but I’ve got good reason to expect him to protect our time together and to think before responding to his kids’ demands and complaints. I will define some reasonable rules for dealing with the problems I’ve seen and I’ll let him know what they are. Then I’ll decide whether he can measure up. My goal is to be realistic about what I can tolerate, rather than to change him or accept his company unconditionally because of my sorrow and loneliness.”

Please note: This is the same case we answered on Monday, except one of our readers clarified that the person who had died was not the writer’s dementing husband, but the supportive therapist who had helped her cope for two years. Thank you to that reader, and with such strong perceptive skills, you should consider becoming a therapist yourself.

I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.

If the issue here is what to do if you suddenly lose the therapist you’ve come to rely on during a time of particular stress, the answer depends on what you and your therapist believe therapy is for. Many people, including therapists, think its purpose is to provide you with support. As a result, many therapists feel guilty going on vacation when their patients are in crisis or reducing the frequency of treatment when there’s no money to pay for it.

In truth, therapy does not require an intense relationship between therapist and patient in order to be effective; it works quite well if you learn what the therapist is teaching, and you learn more easily if you like and respect the teacher.

Of course, you have a special bond with a teacher who has known you through tough times or who has confidence in you when you have none in yourself. You need to assume, however, that no teacher will stay in your life for very long, and that each good teacher has something unique to offer, so it’s your job to turn their support into portable, positive ideas that you can take with you when you, or they, go.

Besides, even if one therapist manages to stay with you until you feel better, s/he will never heal you, because no one in therapy is ever “cured.” That’s why it’s always in your best interest to recognize what you’ve learned and practice it immediately and often. That way, even if the therapist is gone, the tools of therapy are as permanent as you want them to be.

Regardless of how much you feel you need someone, or how vulnerable you feel without their support, you have the strength to survive, be strong, and provide support to your family, even under the most stressful circumstances. When you review your prior treatment with your next therapist, you will discover you’ve learned more than you thought, like how to cope on your own.

STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless because everything has gone wrong and everyone I’ve relied on has collapsed. The truth is, I’ve learned from them, I’ve survived, and I haven’t collapsed, so even when life seems unbelievably stressful, I’m not really helpless and I haven’t lost what they had to give me.”