The Match Blame

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2012

Sure, it seems logical that love wouldn’t go from happy to hellish unless someone was doing it wrong, but that assumes that love brings out the best in people which, as any child of divorce can tell you, is far from the case. Trouble is, love has no power to improve personality deficits—just hide them from sight—so it’s easy to love someone who can’t be steady, accepting, or faithful. Instead of trying to save a failing relationship by figuring out who’s responsible for wrecking things, walk away, emerge from the underworld, and find someone who has what it takes before love even begins.
–Dr. Lastname

My father worked hard to support our family, but he never stops complaining about how hard his life has been and how he much he was disappointed by my mother, and his complaints really bother me. I guess my mother was more competent when they got married, but after my older sister was born she got depressed, took to her bed, and didn’t do much of anything for the next 20 years, which put a huge burden on the family finances. My parents stuck together and she’s able to work now, but my father has been complaining for as long as I remember. When I was a young adolescent, I’d try to console him, and then he’d get angry at me for criticizing my mother. Now when he starts to moan about his hard life, I have trouble not leaving the room. My goal is to get him to stop, or not have to listen to him.

No matter how much pain and guilt your father’s whining brings to his marriage, he’s never going to stop being a complainer. You can get him to stop complaining about your mother, but only by getting him to complain about you.

On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that he’ll never stop torturing you or your mother for giving him such a hard, sad life. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept his garbage notion that anyone is responsible for his hard, sad life in the first place.

That means you don’t have to console him or make him feel better, which is good, because you already know where that leads. It’s one reason you’re irritated with him; you feel you’re supposed to make him feel better and you can’t, nor can you make him shut up. You’ll never make him shut up, but now you have permission not to listen.

While you’re the one who has to decide whether you’re responsible for consoling him or not, your father isn’t likely to give you his blessing if you decide against it. So that’s another goal you’ll need to abandon; counting on your father’s agreement and support for your right not to listen to his complaints.

Of course, whining isn’t good for anyone, including your father and those who feel obliged to listen to him, so why not impose a better set of values on the discussion. In your case, you have rich material for creating a positive perspective. You can accept his idea that his life was hard while dismissing the notion that it was anyone’s fault. After all, your mother didn’t get depressed on purpose.

Yes, there were more bills, less income, and the burden of raising kids by himself, so applaud your father for rising to the occasion. He hung in, worked harder, remained loyal, and raised his family. It doesn’t help to dwell on the pain or should-have-beens; you don’t care whether he could have been a contender. What you admire is the way he was committed to supporting his family and being a good father (albeit a whiny one) regardless of the death of his other dreams and opportunities.

More than it exasperates you, his complaining undermines the nobility of his efforts. Show your respect by refusing to talk about the past as other than an accomplishment which will always make you proud and grateful. So, if he starts complaining, don’t defend your mother—defend him and all he’s done despite hardship. And if he still won’t stop the negativity, politely depart.

STATEMENT:
“My inability to stop my father’s complaints about my mother’s weaknesses makes me feel guilty and irritated, but I can’t change his life or the past or stop him from blaming her. I will not let myself be distracted from his accomplishments, however, or let his unhappiness and anger shape my view of our family history. He was a hero to raise us with so little help, and my mother was a hero to endure the depression as well as my father’s complaints. Life is hard, but they persevered.”

I can’t stop feeling suspicious of my wife. There’s something about the way she looks at me and isn’t interested in sex that makes me sure she’s got a relationship going on the side. I remember when I was her side relationship (though we were only friends then) and how she kept me a secret from her ex-boyfriend. Now I’m sure she’s keeping something secret from me. She says it’s all in my head and it’s true that I have no proof, but I’ve been right about every previous girlfriend I’ve ever had—I always knew when they were cheating—so I’m sure I’m right now. My goal is to get her to admit it, so I can move on.

It’s never a good idea to make someone else responsible for easing your feelings, because, once you give them that responsibility, you’ve made yourself a hostage. You’ve given yourself the right to blame, lost the right to choose, and done wrong by your relationship.

Your goal isn’t to get your wife to relieve your suspicions; it’s to find a wife you don’t need to be suspicious of. That means being with someone who never tends to cheat, not someone who makes you feel so loved and attended to that you don’t doubt her loyalty—until life gets real, the excitement dies down, and reality starts to come into view.

You knew before you married her that she likes secret liaisons, so you made a bad choice. Now you want to blame her for destroying your marriage and not letting you move on, but the fault isn’t hers, and continuing to press her and feel this way can cripple you and turn you into a monster.

You can and do deserve a faithful partner, but first you need to overcome your own neediness and attraction to intense women with complicated pasts. Before that happens, decide for yourself what to do with your marriage. You’ve described nothing that your wife could say, or you could observe, that would restore your trust in her. If there’s nothing you can do, then there’s no responsibility for doing it, for either of you. There’s no point in debating whether it’s her fault for making you suspicious or yours for being over-reactive. The game is over, you’re free to move on and cease torturing yourself and her.

You’re also obliged to learn from this experience. From now on, look for a partner who’s always been steady, and don’t consider partnership until you’ve spent some boring, cranky time together and discovered whether you can tolerate the grouchy bonding-but-not-loving chemistry without going crazy with suspicion. If you can, then you’ve got a winner.

Until then, get a dog, play Words with Friends, and count yourself lucky for having learned how to resist your attraction to women who can’t be trusted, at least not by you.

STATEMENT:
“I feel compelled to discover whether my wife has been gas-lighting me with false reassurances of fidelity but really, I know that will do me no good. I will find someone whose background I trust and, until then, work to get over the pain of ending my marriage.”