Choose or Lose

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2012

Strong feelings don’t make for good decisions, but they can’t force you to make bad decisions if you follow your usual procedures. First, figure out what’s unrealistic, knowing that it usually involves getting some much desired love and/or respect. Second, do a bit of healthy sulking with a lot of sad music, movies, and/or junk food. Finally, cut the sulking, summon your courage, and figure out how to make the best of things, respecting whatever you do next. What you decide might cause some strong, bad feelings, at least at first, but if you follow these instructions, you’ll always feel good about your choices in the long run.
–Dr. Lastname

I have been in love with this guy since the first year of high school, and now I’m 23 and still think I can’t get over him! We have been good friends and that made it harder for us to share our feelings (which, by his actions and behavior, I felt he had, too) and then we kissed two or three times when we were both drunk. The first kiss was last year and the second now after one year has passed, but we decided to let that pass us because he thought I’m far better than him, and that he is a loser, which I of course don’t agree with. Eventually I tried to move on and have a relationship with this other guy from work who is great and we have a great time together, but I feel that we connect only physically, and when I was with him and saw my first love all the feelings came back to me! I don’t know what to do. If I stay in a relationship with the guy from work I would feel that it isn’t fair to him, but I clearly see no future with the guy I’m in love with.

The first step in solving any problem is deciding what you can’t change, rather than pursuing what you have the strongest feelings about. For example, you might feel really strongly that you want to eat cake all day, but you’d probably resist pursuing it since you can’t change the fact you’d blow up like a deer tick.

Problems with love are no different; it may feel like you need to satisfy an emotion, but you really just have to be realistic about your options, make up your mind about the dude/dessert, and move forward.

Of course, problems of the heart have the added bonus of drama, which, to many people, is emotional crack, with a similar corrosive effect after prolonged exposure. That’s why people pay to see opera, soap and otherwise; the more painful the yearning and misunderstanding, the better. If there are vampires involved, forget about it.

So fight your dramatic yearnings and think realistically about your goal, which is not to co-star in an intense, sad, drunken tragedy with the true love who can never be yours, but to figure out whether he’s got what it takes to be a good, steady, and reliable partner. Falling for someone who’s unreliable or mean (or thinks they’re a worthless loser) is the main reason people get divorced.

Divorce, as most pop songs fail to mention (but many country songs do), is a much longer-lasting source of misery, and business for psychiatrists, than is lovesickness, and not something that someone in their early-20s should have to consider. Your goal is to discover whether either man in your life would make a good partner, beginning with your old flame/friend.

You should know by now whether he’s a good, reliable guy or a nice, loveable guy who can’t get it together. Look at his track record with jobs and relationships and consult friends; don’t trust your feelings alone. If you think he’s a good partnership candidate, find the courage to let him know. If not, look for the strength to let him go. Either way, love’s got nothing to do with it–you know you love him—but the facts are everything.

As for the guy at work, he’s your backup if your old love doesn’t make the cut. Yes, you don’t love him now, but your chemistry might improve if you thought he was a good partner and had decided your first love doesn’t have what it takes. If not, you’re right to let him go and move on.

Whatever you choose, trust your judgment as well as your feelings and you’ll wind up with a good decision. Follow your feelings exclusively and you’ll be starring in your own soap opera until one of the main characters quits or dies. The decision is yours.

STATEMENT:
“My heart wants my old boyfriend to declare his love, but I know what makes love work in the long run and I’m determined to make good decisions, knowing they may require me to say no to my deepest yearnings, stop the sad song, and say what needs to be said.”

I care about my work and like to give 100%, but after knocking myself out for a big company event, I was running on empty. I came to work the next day and felt so exhausted I just walked out. When my supervisor reprimanded me for not informing her, I was really pissed. No one works harder than I do, and she just doesn’t care. I was ready to quit until my friends talked me out of it. My goal is to get them to respect me for how hard I work or find a boss that does.

Experiencing work as a matter of devotion and appreciation is always dangerous. Even in a family setting, where you won’t, presumably, get fired after the next merger or down-sizing, it leads to a nasty vicious cycle of exhaustion, disappointment, and blame.

As in the case above, going with your feelings is dangerous, even though they currently drive you to instant (extended-finger, slam-the-door) action rather than sadly passive waiting. Remember, your goal is not to get respect, but to keep your job until you decide it’s bad for your health, find something better, or win the next Powerball.

Perhaps your boss has praised your devotion to work in the past and your Human Resources Department has distributed brochures trumpeting the company’s respect for its workers. Maybe working gives you such a natural high that, like John Henry, you just can’t stop or, like the builders of the bridge over the River Kwai, you forget what the work is for. It’s natural to work harder and expect more appreciation. In truth, however, as the old country song says, working your fingers to the bone just leaves you with bony fingers.

Don’t get cynical. The problem isn’t that untrustworthy people are out to screw you (at least not usually), just that people sometimes don’t notice your hard work or they have reason to care more about the little things, like whether you clock in a few minutes late. That’s the way the system works; it exists to punish mistakes, not find reasons to give praise.

So if your hard work gets you nothing but criticism, it’s not fair and it’s not personal, but it is the way it is. And if you do something rash that makes it look like you’re blowing off work, even if you’re taking a well-deserved break, you can’t rely on the system to know the difference.

Your goal then isn’t to work hard, get noticed, and get ahead. It’s to work as hard as you think you’re paid to work and harder if you think it will pay off, assuming it won’t interfere with your other obligations. Remember, you’re your own best manager, protecting yourself from the dangerous effects of overwork. If you work yourself too hard because you’re obsessed with getting the job done or hungry for a few words of praise and, as a result, you get tired and cranky, what you’ll be remembered for is crankiness, not devotion.

So set your own limits before jumping into a big project, deciding for yourself how much time you should commit and how many breaks you’re going to need. Remind yourself of your other obligations and needs. Think like a manager, not a galley-slave.

If you work as hard at managing your work as you do at doing it, overwork and under-appreciation won’t destroy your faith in the system. The system you’ll have faith in will be your own, your own appreciation will deservedly count the most, and your choices will need no explanation.

STATEMENT:
“I love getting lost in the feeling of working hard, but I know that a little too much hard work can kill me, in the sense of making me forget what’s important and how to take care of myself. I have the experience to know how much work I can and should do and to respect myself for doing it, regardless of fatigue, picky or unjust criticism, or a total lack of appreciation.”