Relative Expectations

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2012

The problem with most of our methods for rating ourselves is their reliance on feelings; the pleasure of doing things perfectly, or the satisfaction of beating the other guy and pleasing your parents or the pain of being disrespected by the community because of who your parents are. Naturally, these feelings are often false, since we tend to feel good for the wrong reasons or can’t feel good because of reasons we don’t control. So, instead of letting emotions dictate when you’ve succeeded or failed, consult your values and judge yourself the way you’d judge anyone else. You can’t make feelings of failure go away, but when they try to lead you to negative conclusions, you don’t have to follow.
–Dr. Lastname

Compared to my father, I’ve failed to achieve much in life. He inherited a lot of money, doubled it, and was well respected as a banker and business consultant. Sure, he was also a jerk who was unbelievably nasty with everyone at home, but that’s another story. He still made sure I got a great education and went to business school, which he never did. I was fantastically lucky with my wife and kids and I worked hard, but I never came close to his success. Forty years later, I’ve barely got enough money to retire and I can’t help my grandchildren with graduate school. People think of me as a nice guy but not as an impressive businessman and I leave no great fortune to the next generation. How do I live with the fact that I’ve failed?

Somewhere in the human brain, somewhere near the mammal brain and the lizard brain, is the lesser-known marine brain. It’s the part that makes us, like fish in a school, define how we’re doing by where everyone else is.

There’s no shame in it, but there’s no reason to listen to it, either.

In the more advanced parts of your brain you’ll find your values, and they’re worth reviewing first, not just in order to be a good person, but to develop standards that protect you from being too fishy and comparing yourself to friends and family.

Now, if you think being rich, powerful and famous is what’s most important for your self-esteem, I can’t help you. Maybe Donald Trump can, but, like most people with those values, he probably cares less about lending an ear than he does about acquiring golden toilets.

From what you say, however, you believe that it’s more important to be a good husband and father and make an honest living, and, if that’s true, I heartily agree and get the impression that you’ve met the standards that matter.

Maybe nothing can stop you from having envious or self-critical feelings; that’s true of many perfectionists, including ones without rich fathers. No matter what they accomplish, they can always find something they did wrong and someone else who did it better.

By reviewing your values, however, you can prevent those negative feelings from becoming negative beliefs. You obviously would have had more respect for your father if he had been less of an asshole, regardless of his fame and accomplishments, so apply those values to yourself.

Then stop disparaging yourself, because, as your daddy taught you over and over again, it’s not nice to whip a good guy by telling him he’s a loser.

If negative ruminations are painfully intense in spite of good self-coaching, consider medication; it sometimes stops them or reduces their punch. I can’t tell you why or promise that the medication always helps, but the risk is relatively low and it’s worth trying if good mental hygiene isn’t enough.

In any case, what you want to pass on to your kids and grandkids isn’t memories of your being a big shot (that will probably drive them into therapy), but of being a loving man and a perfectionist who knew how to protect himself from unfair self-criticism. After all, it’s not just about valuing the power of your human brain, but also your human heart.

STATEMENT:
“I doubt I’ll ever be proud of myself in a feel-good, stick-out-your-chest kind of way (or understand why my father was so proud of himself in spite of being an asshole). What I can do, however, is respect someone who isn’t great at making money and who doesn’t realize his dearest dreams, as long as I know he’s a good guy who has done right by his commitments. Even if that person is me.”

I can’t seem to escape my family and its reputation. I’m an honest, hard-working guy, married to a good woman, but my family has been the leader in disorganized crime in this town for the last 50 years. I’ve got the family temper and a quick mouth, but I’m loyal to my friends, pay my bills and the only drug I use is nicotine. No matter how hard I try, though, people treat me as if I’m a criminal who can’t be trusted. If they start to forget my background, my family is sure to do something to remind them, like dumping garbage on my lawn because they’re angry I didn’t show up at the last reunion. My goal is to show people I’m not a loser like everyone in my family, but, after 20 years I have to admit I’m not succeeding.

As noted above, we’re all sensitive to our standing relative to everyone else, regardless of whether we’ve failed to do our best or actually failed in any way. Sometimes the irrational feelings of failure are a personal invention, and sometimes they reflect the prejudice of others. In any case, we feel like losers unless we get special respect from the people around us, and often even that is not enough.

One of the good things about growing old, however, is that you develop your own standards. You’ve gone through hard times and you know that it isn’t easy to stay honest and be a good person. You have more respect for people who deal well with adversity and less for the lucky ones who don’t have to, so you’re more prepared to know your own standards and respect them.

No, you may not have succeeded in winning your community’s respect (which says more about your community than it does about you, but that’s another story). In spite of that negative prejudice, however, you haven’t wavered or given up and decided there’s no point in staying honest and sober if everyone thinks you’re a crook.

In other words, you’ve accomplished something greater than rescuing your reputation; you’ve walked the line in the face of constant disrespect. You belong in the bigger Hall of Fame.

Stay in your community if you have good reasons, but proving everyone wrong about you isn’t one. You have good reason to search for and settle in a community that will accept you for who you are, and you are not your family.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to be seen as a trashy person and it’s true I may have a trashy mouth, but I care about being a good person and I believe I’ve racked up a good record. I will try to respect my own opinion and find people who think the same way, regardless of that part of me that wishes I could star in a homecoming parade.”