Suspect Sexuality

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012

On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname

My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.

The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.

Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.

In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary.

Besides, you know it isn’t personal; he’s always had trouble with erections unless super-stimulated by anger or domination, so don’t make it personal by linking his problem to his speed-freaking past or his angry-man turn-on. From what you say, he’s had a stronger sexual response to you than to anyone else.

If erections are really the problem, you can always get them from a pill. After all, if he’s willing and interested in sex, surely a Viagra-type drug would guarantee enough performance to give you both some meaningful pleasure (without a high risk of side-effects). That’s what it’s about, the intention to give pleasure, not how you or he perform.

What good sex therapy will do is focus both of you on giving one another pleasure with no performance expectations. Sounds simple, and is simple, but you’ve got to wonder why it runs contrary to normal human sexual psychology. Maybe human beings have ancient neurochemistry dating from the days we depended on banding together in groups dominated by a male using sex to express power. Whatever it is, be honored that he was smart enough to choose you rather than a dumb sex toy. The cost of his intelligent choice, however, is a lack of power-lust.

The one thing you don’t need from therapy, whether it’s individual, couples, retail, etc., is more talk about the link between his feelings for you and/or meth, and sexual dysfunction. If that connection was going to be helpful, it would have been so by now. More likely, it will increase his sense of responsibility and make sex that much more difficult.

At this point, it’s safe to say that rehashing his sexual history won’t lead to sexual healing. If, however, you can find therapy that helps you define your own goals, accept what you can’t change about yourself and your partner, and figure out how to make the best of what you have, it’s bound to help.

So, if couples therapy doesn’t ignite sexual passion, ask yourself whether you can accept what you’ve got. If you try to hard to fan these embers into a flame, you’ll wind up having more screaming fits and putting out the fire entirely.

If, on the other hand, you can accept a lower heat, you can explore what you can do with slow cooking with a partner who, no matter what his past, is truly a friend.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling disappointed by the drop-off in sexual passion and the lack of a nice, satisfying orgasm, but I know my boyfriend is worth it as a person, so I’m going to put aside my expectations about sex-as-it-used-to-be and explore the many things we can do to give and receive sexual pleasure.”

I’ve been seeing this woman for a few months and it’s going really, really well, but we had our first talk about exes the other day and she really threw me for a loop when she told me her ex—her only serious relationship—was a woman, and that they were together for over two years. She said she didn’t want me to get freaked out, but I am. I mean, I’ve got nothing against lesbians, but I buy the idea that people can’t control their sexual preference, and, if she really likes girls more than boys, won’t it eventually pull her away from me? She says it won’t, but I wonder if that’s love and wishful thinking. My goal is a relationship that will last.

Having a partner with a strong sex drive of any kind is a mixed blessing, given how vulnerable sex drives are to change without notice– they’re about as durable as a Faberge egg. All it takes is a little fatigue, hormonal change, aging, kids, depression, conflict, whatever, and the excitement is shattered.

Sex drives are also notorious for being more interested in sex than personality. They want sex, they don’t think about consequences, and if they can’t get it from their partner or if familiarity or any of the above factors makes their partner less interested or interesting, they want to shop elsewhere. Freud was wrong about a lot of things, but the id wasn’t one of them.

Yes, you can get help from sex therapists, but, like all therapy, it helps a few and leaves the rest with an inescapable dilemma and a true test of character. What counts most then is whether you think your girlfriend’s is strong; if she’s a sold, reliable person who stands by her friends and doesn’t behave badly when drunk, bored, wounded, or hurt, then why worry about her equal-opportunity love of women? On the other hand, if she’s a sexual misbehaver when under the influence of whatever, it doesn’t matter whom she does it with, you’re going to be disappointed.

Don’t question whether she loves you enough to give up women or make it your goal to feel secure about her love; remember, there are many unstable people who will love you like crazy today but who trail a cloud of debris from broken relationships.

Your goal is to examine her past and current relationships in order to satisfy yourself that she’s got it together and that sex, whether high, low, hetero or homo, will interfere with her values and commitments. Even though sexuality is fragile, relationships can be solid.

STATEMENT:
“I worry that my girlfriend’s lesbian sex drive will eventually come between us, but I know rationally that we have good sexual chemistry and a strong relationship. Instead of looking for reassurance from her passion or promises, I’ll assure myself that she’s a reliable friend who can stand by her commitments, regardless of frustrated urges.”