Co-worker Counseling

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 5, 2012

Co-worker Counseling

As anyone who’s done time in a cubicle knows, co-workers often give and take well-intentioned advice in order to make the team work better and/or save one another trouble. The problem is that giving unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, and regardless of the context, is as tricky as defusing a bomb; one wrong word or movement and you’re dodging fall-out for weeks. So, if the advice you want to give seems personal or targets a weakness about which someone is sensitive, it’s more likely to damage relationships that, since work is work, are inescapable. Don’t think of giving advice, or reacting to it, until you’ve found a way to take out the sting and remove any implication of personal failing. You can do it, but only if you’re willing to keep your deeper feelings to yourself (and/or keep your eye out for a new place to work).
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know how to respond to a co-worker of mine, who has always looked down on me for being sloppy. I’m not the best lab-tech in the world, but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m pretty good (my boss agrees). This particular colleague, however, is gung-ho about improvement and peer feedback and he started up this self-rating program that identified neatness as a positive value for good work. Now he wants to help me be neat to improve my work (his words!) and I want to take my fingers and shove them up his nose. My goal is to respond appropriately.

Most people feel responsible for their weaknesses, particularly one like sloppiness, which seems voluntary and controllable. As a result of this mistaken point of view, slobs, like the overweight and the flakey, live in a (messy) world of shame.

After all, they’ve heard from parents and teachers how much more they could achieve if they would take neatness seriously and accept help in improving themselves, tried to take that advice seriously…and kept cluttering all the same. So no wonder you feel like dumping garbage all over your colleague’s neatness parade.

The fact is that neatness and sloppiness are genetic traits as well as learned habits, which means that some people can’t be neat without tremendous effort and a few can’t be neat at all. Like the not-thin person who’s on a permanent diet, you can manage traits but you can’t change them for good.

If you don’t think about this fact, you’ll tend to accept your colleague’s notion that everyone needs more neatness and that those who resist improvement are stubborn and sloppy about neatness. The more you resist, the more you’ll incriminate yourself, the more you’ll wish your co-worker bodily harm.

A better choice is accepting that you’re probably a naturally sloppy person who has learned to manage his sloppiness and done it well enough to do a good job. You think so, your boss thinks so, your co-worker can stuff it (up his nose or wherever else).

You’re the only person who knows how much effort it takes and whether you’ve done enough to manage your sloppiness. You measure your performance, however, not by comparing yourself to neat people, but by how hard you tried and whether the result is good enough.

Having defined a reasonable goal (as opposed to the emotional, destructive notion that neatness is always better), respond to critics as you would to any complaint. You value neatness and appreciate help. You’ve examined whether, given your style, you need to improve it and can afford the resources. You’ve decided, not right now.

Then thank them for bringing it to your attention, go back to work, and when you notice that coffee stain on your labcoat, be proud.

STATEMENT:
“I may always feel defensive about my sloppiness, but I know I manage it well and need apologize for it to no one, ever again.”

I’m trying to figure out what to say to a colleague of mine at work, who’s also a close friend. We both provide tutoring to young adults, and my friend was always a patient, upbeat guy, but since he stopped smoking he’s become grumpy and judgmental. I don’t know if he’s just depressed, or whether his pride in his own will power makes him contemptuous of everyone who doesn’t seem disciplined. In any case, he’s losing clients and our referral sources are not pleased. I need to speak to him, but he’s very touchy, and I don’t want to lose our friendship. What should I say?

Given that irritability is almost always associated with depression—except for those truly nice people who turn their entire irritability, if they have any, on themselves—it’s often hard to bring up the subject of an irritably depressed person’s mood without sounding critical and, in turn, feeling the depressive’s full wrath.

It may be impossible to help them recognize or change their irritability if they see it as a reaction to the growing stupidity of the people around them rather than as a change in their own mood. Your first goal then isn’t to get them to see that they need help—that’s often a relationship-killer—but to see if they can recognize that their negative thinking is causing them harm or violating deeper values.

Begin by deciding whether you believe in what you’re doing. You might accept referrals of unmotivated students because money you receive for teaching them supports more effective work you do with others, or because you feel they deserve a good try before giving up on them, or because your work supports an institution that does good. However it adds up, if you feel you have good reasons, then use your conviction to have a business-like conversation with your friend.

Respectfully invite him to express his philosophy and reasons for becoming abrupt and dismissive with students and prepare to describe your own reasons for approaching them more positively. You’re hoping that he’ll recall his former philosophy, agree with you, and wonder whether it’s his mood that’s changed, rather than the students.

If not, and he sees himself as getting wiser and jaded rather than depressed, at least you’ve identified the fact that there’s a difference in your points of view, and that his point of view may be incompatible with his job description.

You can maintain a respectful relationship and even address the fact that your colleague may lose his job, but only by hiding your belief that he’s nasty because he’s moody. What you hope, of course, is that there’s someone closer to him at home who will recognize his changes as mood-directed and lead him to the help he needs to feel better (and stay smoke-free).

STATEMENT:
“I’m worried that my friend’s growing impatience with the kids he teaches is turning him into a grump and threatening his job, but I know he’ll be insulted by my concern for his mental health. Maybe if I can get him to express his new business philosophy, he’ll see that his mood has changed. If not, I’ll know I’ve done my best to advise him, offer him help, and ensure that he’s aware of the risks arising from his new behavior.”