Recovery Mission

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 1, 2012

A serious trauma will change the way you see the world, but if you’re not careful, it will also try to change your very beliefs by distorting your feelings and perceptions. You can’t prevent it from causing depression, anxiety, and lots of fear, but if you know what matters in your life and are determined to continue on your course, you can stop it from affecting your beliefs and drawing you into vicious cycles of isolation, conflict, and more trauma. Trauma is random and meaningless; your job is to give meaning to the part of yourself that endures it and still believes you can make the world a better place.
–Dr. Lastname

After a dark couple of years fighting off my worst bout of depression, anxiety and PTSD from a bad sexual assault (aren’t they all!) last year finally saw the fog lift and for me to really get back into my creative work which is now doing really well. I met a guy a few months ago. He is the first man that makes we want to really tackle some of my man issues, so I can really connect in an emotional and sexual way with him. We haven’t been intimate yet as I have been traveling for work, but I am returning soon. I cannot wait to see him, we talk every day and we really do have a special bond already. He has commented on my ‘aloofness’ at times and my ‘shutting down’. I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him, or that it is his fault. For the first time ever, I am considering telling him about the assault (I have never told a partner before) but I worry that it would be too big for him to handle, or that he would treat me differently, either like I’m a fragile victim or that I’m damaged goods. I don’t want or need a rescuer. My goal is to make a decision that would not only benefit me but us as a couple.

When deciding whether to tell a new friend about your abuse, what’s important isn’t whether you tell, but how. You never, ever want trauma to define you; it’s what you do with it that counts.

Post-trauma depression can leave you with hopeless thoughts about your inability to trust or be happy again. It tempts you to regard moments of anxiety and withdrawal in a new relationship, not as normal new relationship jitters, but as evidence of permanent damage and an incapacity to relate.

What you know, however, is that you’ve survived those fears and reflexes while going on with your life and taking the risk of getting close to someone new. They won’t stop you (unless you happen to pair up with a guy who can’t stand occasional depression and aloofness, in which case, he’d be better off with a robot).

So, if you haven’t let being a trauma victim hold you back so far, don’t treat yourself like one now. So far, you’ve found the strength to withstand trauma and continue on your way without changing your values or losing your courage, ability to work, or interest in new friendships. You aren’t defined by whether you’re in pain or have symptoms from time to time; don’t let the few bad moments outweigh everything that you’ve accomplished.

Don’t worry about his response to your seeming withdrawn or aloof; like anyone who is moody but not destructive, you should tell new friends that it’s not their fault and/or responsibility to cheer you up, make you smile, or hear your confession. You appreciate their company and their patience, end of story.

If, in spite of your assurance, they can’t stand your moodiness, that’s their problem, not yours. Avoid people with that kind of boundary-less sensitivity, and don’t apologize. Again, those people make better company for reptiles and Cylons.

Before you decide to tell your prospective partner about the abuse, write out a positive statement that puts your experience in a meaningful context. You’ll learn a lot about him from his response, and with luck, what you learn will be that he’s a good friend who appreciates your resilience.

Look at your experience as a successful trial by fire. If anyone regards you as damaged goods, they’ve got a damaged set of values. Your trauma doesn’t define you; the strong way you’ve handled it does.

STATEMENT:
“Trauma caused me terrible pain but it hasn’t changed who I am, my values, or how I lead my life. I’m proud of what I’ve done with it and I take that pride into every future relationship. I have more to offer, not less, as a result of it.”

I don’t think my family understands what it means to be traumatized. After my cousin molested me 8 years ago, I began to have nightmares and felt depressed all the time. I started cutting myself. Instead of being supportive, my family blamed me for not doing well in school, isolating myself, and using drugs. Now that I’m 20, I feel suicidal just being around them. I may talk to them someday, but my goal right now is to stay away from the people who demean me for my symptoms. I want to feel better about myself.

When you’re depressed, whether or not it starts out with trauma, it’s not unusual to hate yourself and feel misunderstood and criticized. There’s no point in explaining why you feel that way, you just do, and, once started, the feelings are self-fulfilling. The people who most want to help are also most likely to get frustrated and then get angry at you for being angry at them. Once anger gets going, it can turn into a perfect storm.

Depression can distort the way your brain reads facial expressions—what someone else will call a smile can look to you like a threat—which means both your feelings and your perceptions will convince you that rejection lurks around the corner.

At first, confronting people who have disappointed you seems meaningful. Then bad things get said that justify more anger, and the whole thing keeps you miserable and shrinks busy. If you become so disappointed and depressed that you don’t care whether you live or die, you get locked up, which renews the trauma and your grievance.

So watch out for anger and depression. They’re understandable feelings, but they’re always dishonest; don’t believe what they tell you about your friends, your family, or yourself.

The truth is that, traumatized or not, you have your own life to lead and you don’t want it to be defined by anger, pain, conflict, and hurting yourself. Unfortunately, you can’t control the fact that you have intensely destructive feelings, and trying to get rid of those feelings usually makes them worse. What you can do, however, is learn to tolerate those feelings while you continue on with your life.

Instead of sharing feelings of victimization, think about the kind of person you’d like to be. Not the way you’d like to feel—that’s not controllable—but the way you’d like to behave towards yourself and others. That probably includes being able to learn, get work done, and be a good friend.

Then look for ways to remind yourself of who you are and want to be. Therapy can help, particularly a cognitive therapy like DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy), which can teach you healthy habits for grounding yourself and regaining perspective. It also helps you abstain from negative behaviors, like hurting yourself or challenging people who anger you. Read the course curriculum and see what you think.

In the end, blocking your negative behaviors and re-connecting with positive values will reduce your pain. Until it does, however, you need to be strong and determined and stop trying to find understanding in others. Your goal isn’t to feel better (although that will come); it’s to be the person you were trying to be, regardless of whether you were traumatized.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my life is out of control and that my parents, whom I should be able to trust, have let me down. I know, however, that traumatic life events and a sensitive temperament can distort my thinking and that I continue to have strengths, even when I feel weak and helpless. I’ll assume that my parents may also have their strengths and try to build on them, while distancing myself whenever I feel it’s necessary.”