OCD 101

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 29, 2011

Being thoughtful is good, but being thoughtful to the point of painful obsession is having OCD, with fearful thoughts that stick in your brain and won’t go away unless you do something sort-of-magical and sort-of-stupid that gives you a moment of relief (before your fears start again). The good news is that it happens to good people who learn how to manage and live with it, which can happen much more easily if you can abandon the worst obsession of all—finding a way to cure the OCD altogether.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: Monday is also a fxckfeelings.com holiday. Happy New Year (and again, if/when it’s unhappy, you know the drill).

I’m a current student and I’ve sort of self-diagnosed myself as having an unusual kind of OCD. It started out four years ago when I was studying for an upcoming major exam. I had always been one of the few top students, but at one point in time in the midst of hours of straight studying, I couldn’t absorb any more info, and in a fit of frustration, a ball of emotions welled up and I actually said harshly in my mind to myself, “you shall FAIL!”, even though I’ve always tried to avoid such negative thinking. What came next was an unshakable, unexplainable, and annoying-yet-scary series of feelings, thoughts and emotions for the next few days and weeks. After that episode, I developed an irrational apprehension about me having “ruined” myself and my academic ability. To get myself back to my normal, anxiety-free mind when studying or doing anything related to studies, I imagined “transferring” the whole chunk of this mental mess on other stuff, whether it is the faces of people who did badly in academics in my field, to those I don’t like, etc. Still, my mind would automatically be inclined to have these random obsessions appear in my mind while studying, and it’s really prevented me from fully unleashing my full academic ability in subsequent grades. I really felt restrained and trapped by this, and my goal is to eliminate this strong-rooted (it’s been 4 years) mental condition that happens whenever I study and then makes it almost impossible.

Some OCD thoughts are crippling but come out of nowhere, like fear of contamination or making a mistake. While they often lead to compulsive rituals, like repeated hand-washing and fact-checking, you manage to keep studying. So, while you’re suffering, you’re still lucky.

The fact that your obsessive fears are tied to school may make them easier to deal with, because, unlike germs, school (usually) doesn’t go on forever.

School is built on mental constructs that attract obsessions like lint to a dryer vent; it’s got grades, grade-points, and exams that hinge on a word or the instructor’s interpretation of same. It invites obsession and obsessive argument, which can be torture, but at least it has an end date.

After school is over, you can find branches of almost every major profession that thrive on obsessional thinking, but you can also avoid them if you want; you’ll have choices beyond what courses you can take and how much to put on your meal card.

Also, the mental activity that sticks words in your mind as if they’re big, significant boulders is probably good for certain kinds of learning, and it’s not uncommon. Respected psychiatrist John Nemiah liked to point out that Martin Luther had a similar problem, and went on to start Protestantism (although his Catholic colleagues might not see this as a success).

The bad news, I guess, is that you’ll probably never “eliminate” your fear of certain intrusive thoughts. What you can do, however, apart from putting school behind you, is develop techniques for breaking into the vicious circle that enhances the power of whatever you’re afraid of.

In other words, if you’re afraid to think about something, you’ll think about it, and your fear will probably have a small negative effect on your performance, which will prove you’re right to fear the intrusive thoughts, which scares you even more. What a good cognitive therapist can offer you is a bunch of mental and physical exercises that either distract you from the vicious circle or remind you of your ability to deal with fearful events as they occur.

Get used to the idea that, like many people for whom ideas and words have a life of their own, you can be troubled by obsessive thoughts. You can’t get rid of them, or always prevent them from distracting you, but you can always stop them from changing your goals or failing to try your best and reach the finish line of graduation.

STATEMENT:
“I’m afraid that intrusive thoughts will prevent me from ever living up to my potential, but, if I have to live with them, I can do it. I will regard them as just one more weakness that I can learn to deal with as I go about pursuing my interests and trying to graduate and make a living.”

I do pretty well as project director at work, but I’ve always been troubled by thoughts that get in my head and just won’t quit. During the last year, I’d get haunted over and over again by the thought that I’d said the wrong thing to one of my colleagues and offended them. What I’d want to do was ask them if I had in fact offended them, but if they said no, I’d probably worry that my asking them had offended them, and I’d want reassurance about that, thus making it worse. Instead, I ask my wife, who listens carefully and reassures me…but then I think of something I left out of the story and ask her again, and make it worse at home instead of at the job. She’s a kind woman and understands I can’t help it, but, after a while, her patience wears thin, and then I worry about my marriage. My goal is to figure a way out of this trap.

A couple good things about your obsessive thoughts are that you’re used to them and they haven’t stopped you from succeeding at a tough, challenging job. The bad thing is that your technique for diminishing painful self-doubts has gained a hold on you and, if unchecked, could trap you in a dangerous vicious circle. Instead of washing your hands, you’re using the Purell of reassurance to wash your mind of guilt.

If you read up on obsessive compulsive disorder, you’ll learn that the behaviors for reducing painful thoughts (like your reassurance technique) are called “rituals” and they can get out of hand. The treatments for controlling them are a lot like the one invented by Mel Brooks’ comic alter ego, Dr. Haldanish, who cured a young boy of a paper-tearing habit by yelling at him not to tear paper. Which is to say, an absurd-seeming disorder has a similar therapeutic approach.

The goal of these treatments is, simply, to help you stop the ritual, even if this causes more short-term pain and doubt. The therapist may give you reassuring thoughts to repeat or exercises you can use to distract or calm yourself. In extreme cases, the therapist may actually accompany you and directly encourage you to refrain from the ritual (alas, Mr. Brooks doesn’t do house calls).

If you think there’s an element of truth in your concerns and that your speech with colleagues is too negative when you’re stressed or find yourself worried, angry, or unhappy, coaching would also be helpful. You may discover new ways to keep your statements positive, while being direct about tasks and responsibilities.

If you were really offensive, however, you’d be getting more criticism at work and at home, and you aren’t. On a professional level, that’s really your standard and it’s one you want to think about and reinforce as much as possible.

Your goal isn’t to make your doubts go away, though that would be nice; it’s to have respectful conversations at work, even when you’re stressed, and feel confident about your ability to have those conversations. And to keep all paper intact.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard not to ask for reassurance when I’m haunted by doubts, but I have my own good standards for professional behavior and, so far, I know I’m meeting them. My job is to make them stronger while I tolerate the doubt that seems to be part of my brain chemistry.”