Chemistry Preacher

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 28, 2011

If you take any relationship wisdom from this site, it should probably be that good partnerships are not the same as relationships that feel good. That doesn’t mean they have to feel bad (although bad feelings are unavoidable sooner or later), just that they have to survive bad feelings and offer benefits to both parties that are worth the trouble. So relationships that grab your heart but show no signs of becoming good partnerships are dangerous to your health, and relationships that turn you off but have much to offer are worth putting up with. Ain’t love grand, and ain’t love gone wrong a royal pain in the ass.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m always a little annoyed at my boyfriend, even though we never really fight, because he always seems a little unavailable (you’d think at our age he’d be over playing games). If we spend lots of time together this weekend, then next weekend I can be sure he’ll call back late, find a reason we can’t meet early in the day, and leave me with an option for getting together briefly that doesn’t work well for either one of us. He used to say it was because he needed time for his son, but now that his son’s in college things haven’t changed. I don’t think he wants to date anyone else, and our friends think we’re great together, but I’d like to share my life with someone and our relationship is stuck.

Sometimes the worst thing about a relationship is that it’s too good to be bad, but too bad to be worth the effort.

Your boyfriend is almost a good match, good enough so that you look forward to seeing him every weekend, but it’s not mutual enough for him to feel the way you do. So you’re always chasing him, but never quite catching him.

If it were truly bad, then either he’d end it, or pride, fighting or the protests of friends might eventually help you break up, grieve and move on. Here, no such luck. You’re in relationship purgatory, but on the southern side.

Like Miss Piggy, it’s natural for you to have feelings about landing your elusive frog once and for all. You might wonder whether you need to make him love you more, or get him in the right mood, or lay down the law. Usually, however, if you’re not too bashful, you’ve already tried everything possible (short of karate chops), it hasn’t worked, and that’s the way it is.

So it’s time to admit that your goal isn’t to land him, because that’s just going to make you miserable. Your goal is to accept that, for whatever reason, he’ll never be fully available (and he won’t completely go away).

If you can accept that he’ll always be a grade B, then maybe you can stop feeling hurt and rejected and start thinking about whether he’s still good for something, better than the alternative, at least for the time being. If he’s better than nothing, at least until someone better comes along, then maybe he’s still worth seeing from time to time. If not, then stick with nothing and push him off into the sunset.

In any case, stop chasing him or pursuing what you want but can’t have. If you love him too much, keep away entirely. Otherwise, you will have fewer fights if you see him when he feels like it, enjoy your time together, and keep looking for something good, not just good enough.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel like a loser because I can’t get my boyfriend to love me as much as I love him, but I know that I haven’t done anything wrong and that I’ve made a good effort to make things work. It’s not good for me to try to get someone to love me. I’ve got to protect my heart, give myself a future, and move on.”

My daughter’s seeing this guy who is crazy about her, but my husband can’t stand him. He’s hard-working, serious, very smart, and seemingly reliable, but he’s socially clueless and often irritates people without meaning to, including my husband, who’s equally socially clueless in that he can’t just be polite and hide his dislike. I like my daughter’s boyfriend and wish my husband wasn’t so unhappy with the guy who may marry our daughter.

It’s tempting, when you’re sensitive to social conflict, to want to help people get along, particularly when you see the long-term risks of conflict better than they can. If you’re gifted at overcoming awkwardness, smoothing out shyness, and getting antagonistic people to find common interests, it’s hard not to take responsibility for being a general, all around peacemaker and conductor of the harmony chorus.

Unfortunately, trying to stop a partner from expressing his anger may well give him a target for that anger, as well as renewing his determination to speak his mind, so don’t take responsibility for curbing your husband’s self-expressiveness or bad behavior. You might also be tempted to smooth over your daughter’s boyfriend’s rough edges, but this is equally likely to backfire.

So instead of trying to end hostility, see if you can get the parties involved to tolerate hostile feelings that may well be unavoidable. Begin by asking your husband what’s most important about his daughter’s boyfriend; whether he’s fun to be with, or likely to provide her with a good, solid partner and co-parent. Naturally, you and your husband would like your son-in-law to be both, but if that’s not to be, urge your husband to think through his priorities.

Then don’t ask your husband to be nice for your sake or his daughter’s, but for the sake of what he believes will be best for your daughter and possible grandchildren. In addition, he should ask himself whether he wants to drive his future son-in-law away.

I assume you think your daughter is aware of and accepts her boyfriend’s shortcomings, and that you’re not too worried about the long-term stability of their relationship. You get along with him fine and are ready to spend time with both of them, whether or not your husband is well-behaved enough to come along.

If you can draw a line, friendly but firm, between your husband’s behavior and your own, your partnership does not need to spoil your participation in theirs.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my daughter’s boyfriend was better with people and that my husband was better at stifling his dislike, but I believe her boyfriend has strengths that will make him a good partner for her, if that’s what she wants, and I won’t let my husband’s feelings or complaints interfere with the relationship I plan to have with the next generation.”