Late Expectations

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 3, 2011

When people who look smart and capable perform poorly, we assume they can do better, and if we can only bless that co-worker/child/local sports team with more encouragement, they’ll be able to come out on top. Trouble is, many of the obstacles to good performance are big, bad, and beyond our understanding, and that’s when a “can-do” attitude becomes a burden and a curse to those who look so capable but are actually “can’t-don’t”s. So, when encouragement becomes discouraging, keep your positivity up, just lower your expectations.
–Dr. Lastname

Is the habit of procrastination a reality that cannot be changed, or not? I often find myself procrastinating so long that something I feel I want to do or should be doing is no longer possible to do. Then I feel terrible about myself and berate myself. Should I give up those dreams/things I want to do or should I plug on and do the best I can, hoping that I can overcome procrastination enough to actually accomplish a few things?

Berating yourself whenever any bad habit gets the better of you can make you feel weak, angry, hopeless, etc. The one thing it can’t do is make that habit go away.

On the plus side, your frustration shows that you care about doing better, but self-blame leaves you feeling weak, angry, hopeless, etc., which makes it harder for you to get out of your chair and start catching up.

While logic dictates that finding the source of a problem will lead you to the solution, trying to find out why you procrastinate doesn’t usually help. For one (deliciously ironic) thing, it gives you a reason to avoid doing what you need to do.

Sure, you can tell yourself you’re working on the problem and that you’ll get going when you finally feel more energetic. Unfortunately, figuring things out doesn’t usually give you that energy, just insight, and insight won’t get your ass in gear.

It could be that many people procrastinate because their brains aren’t very good at self-starting, even when they’re quite motivated; look at how many people run out of gas after they retire, with no schedule or manager to tell them what to do and when to do it. Most of us rely on our families, financial pressures, and work obligations to give us structure.

So you can try to find where your bad habits started, or you can accept that procrastination is like over-eating, over-drinking, or any number of guilt-inducing behaviors; it’s remarkably common, you assume you should be able to control it, and yet it’s remarkably hard to control. Then again, if it was so easy to control, there wouldn’t be such a remarkable number of people with the same problem.

Admitting that you’ve got the problem and accepting the fact that you’re stuck with it is probably the first step (as in AA) to recovery. Once you’ve stopped waiting until you feel better and realize you’ve got to work with what you’ve got, you’re sufficiently desperate to shove aside your shame and ask for help. At that point, you will discover lots of other nice people with the same problem, some of whom are willing to offer you help and guidance. They’ll help you get over insight and get practical.

Otherwise, there are a few simple things you can do to work around your problem, like asking a friend to come over and watch you get a specific job done. S/he doesn’t have to nag or provide direct help; just by standing around, expecting you to start working, and not being distracting, s/he may have given you the necessary structure.

If you think procrastination is a big enough problem, ‘fess up and go to work on it. It won’t be easy, and you won’t always get the better of it, but you will gain the confidence that comes with knowing you’re doing the best with what you’ve got. So, first and foremost, don’t blame yourself and don’t give up. And don’t keep putting off following this advice.

STATEMENT:
“I hate myself for not keeping my commitments, but there’s no point in kicking myself for a weakness I can’t control. I may not have the strength to overcome it without losing my pride, but I will take pride in shaming myself if that’s what’s necessary to get stronger.”

I don’t see why my wife doesn’t try harder to recover from her stroke. It’s been 3 years since she was paralyzed and she made an almost perfect recovery. She’s got back all her old intelligence, wit and charm. Her balance is off, but, with the help of a good physiotherapist, she’s recovered the strength in her legs. What bugs me is that she likes to stay in her room and do very little. She’s not depressed, but she won’t do her exercises and her legs are starting to lose their strength. She’s happy as a clam as long as she doesn’t have to leave her room except to go to the bathroom. She’s nasty with me, because I keep on pushing her to get up and come down stairs. I don’t know what’s happened to her motivation or why she’s irritable. My goal is to help her recover and get our old life back.

We all know the way recovery from a debilitating injury is supposed to work, at least according to stage and screen; a strong, determined physiotherapist or friend or partner imposes a positive regimen of activity and exercise, refuses to take no for an answer, demonstrates results, and restores a patient’s hope and confidence. Everyone walks away with their lives feeling affirmed, roll credits.

This expectation can cause a shitload of trouble, however, if a patient’s brain injury damages their ability to motivate and organize themselves. Yes, it can happen, and often does, and when it does the patient gets blamed for being a quitter. Family relationships turn ugly and everyone feels like a loser. That’s the dangerous, feel-bad side effect of physiotherapy.

Yes, it’s possible that your wife is depressed or phobic, and that a structured behavioral program, and maybe some medication, could help her get over the hump. You describe her, however, as happy to veg in her room and untroubled by her limited mobility, so I suspect that, after 3 years, she’s not going to budge or agree to a tougher rehabilitative program with a psychiatric evaluation. She is who she is, and it’s not who she used to be.

If you want to improve your relationship and restore the old camaraderie, give up on your other dreams. You can’t have them, and you can’t blame her for not living up to them. You can still encourage her to walk, but don’t expect a hike. Enjoy the part of her personality that returned, mourn the part that didn’t, and keep your sorrow to yourself.

Strokes are horrible–you lose a precious part of someone you love–but you can’t show your sadness, because you’re trying to make them feel good about what they’ve recovered. Recovery is a two-way street; she’s got to try to get back to her old self, and you have to learn to accept her new self.

As a good and loyal husband, accept your loss, turn in your certificate as a rehab trainer, and enjoy spending time with the person she’s become. In real life, an outcome that’s less-than-miraculous can still be a happy ending.

STATEMENT:
“I miss the part of my wife, and life, that I lost to her stroke, and I hate giving up, but I’m proud of what I’ve done to help her recover and I think she’s done her best, given the changes in her brain that hold her back. I will show that pride when we’re together, while becoming more independent about the parts of my life she can no longer share.”