Fruit of the Whine

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2011

When you’re trying to make things work with a difficult person (or one who’s acting difficult, at least for the time being), it’s normal to take on the role of making things easy; the more the protest, the more responsibility you take for smoothing things out. Unless you put strict limits on your responsibility, however, diplomacy will only make things worse. Know when it’s time to disagree and make it clear that if they aren’t willing to be less difficult, then contact may be impossible.
–Dr. Lastname

I know my wife was always ambivalent about having a child because, though we had a happy marriage, we were both in our late 30s and she liked her life the way it was, but now, 6 years later, her crabbiness is hard to take. She’s not abusive, and she likes our son now that he’s here, but she’s grumpy and complains a lot. When I dragged her into couples therapy she expressed her resentment and that made her a little better, but then she stopped going, and now I don’t know how to get her to get help. I really don’t like her grumbling—our son, who is basically a good kid, is also somewhat negative and throws hard-to-manage tantrums—but I can’t think of anything else to do but protect myself by backing away when one or the other of them gets nasty.

If anyone insists to you that communication is the most important part of a marriage, bring up this case, because a little less communicating on your wife’s part would go a long way. Especially since she’s communicating through whines.

Like most people who aren’t assholes, your wife is prone to whining when she’s tired and in the presence of family, particularly if it’s someone she can blame, i.e., a parent or spouse. She can stop if she has to and it’s better for everyone if she does.

Again, though, as for most people, the flow of whining is often hard to dam.

Therapy is not a good treatment for whining unless the therapist doesn’t like to hear it any more than you do. Yes, in the short term (really short, like the hours before and after a session) it may relieve emotional pressure and make your wife feel heard and understood. The problem is that it also makes her a victim who feels better by whining, which makes the problem somewhat worse.

No one is saying that people don’t suffer or that your wife isn’t having a hard time; parenting is much harder for some than for others, no matter how nice their kids are or how much money they have. There are better ways of coping with the pain of parenting, however, than by complaining or venting anger. Usually, the negative emotion causes kids to behave badly and spouses to back off, causing more pain. It’s the standard dangerous vicious circle that most parents are familiar with.

So, instead of trying to get your wife help, give her some help by telling her you think she could do better by managing herself more positively. Show respect for her feelings but urge her to accept them as probably unavoidable. She can’t change you, your son, or her life, and talking to a therapist didn’t cure her, so she’s probably got what she’s got. She could avoid making things worse, however, by keeping her negative feelings to herself, staying busy, and focusing on managing your son’s behavior.

Suggest that she consult a parenting coach, which is to say a therapist who focuses on managing feelings rather than expressing them. Give her positive feedback when she manages better, not when she expresses more.

Don’t accept responsibility for having dragged her into this mess, because it takes two to make a third. Focus instead on present choices—yours, hers, and your son’s—and you may find that she can choose to keep a lid on her feelings and that, when she does, better things happen. Communication is good in moderation, but a marriage improves with encouraging actions, not discouraging words.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my wife’s unhappiness, which just makes me helpless, guilty, and angry, but I’m confident that I’m OK as a husband and father, and she’s really not doing a bad job herself. I’ll resist taking responsibility for her unhappiness or responding negatively. If she starts whining, I’ll disagree with what she’s doing and act accordingly without getting angry or disrespectful. Whether or not she likes my response, I’ll hope it pushes us in a better direction. Otherwise, I’ll know I’ve done my best.”

My brother has been very good to me, but it’s always on condition that I accept his advice and say I’m sorry periodically for things I didn’t do, and I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t want to have anything to do with him. My life isn’t a mess, I’m pretty good at dealing with most people without offending them, and I don’t like accepting criticism I don’t deserve. On the other hand, if I let him know I disagree with him, he’ll bring up all the mistakes I’ve made and the things he’s done for me, and I’ll never hear the end of it. I’d just like to get away from him.

Having said that most people, other than assholes, can tolerate disagreement even if they don’t like it, I’m not sure what category your brother belongs to. Alas, there’s only one way to find out.

If you back away from him while apologizing insincerely, you may avoid conflict in the short run, but you may also be more vulnerable to self-recrimination and guilt in the long run when he next accuses you of letting him down. Standing up to him may do your relationship no good, but it will help your relationship with yourself.

So the next time you see him, take care to express no guilt or self-apology. Prepare for the fact that, sooner or later, he’ll air a complaint, and let the testing begin.

When he does complain, don’t apologize or protest. Tell him, respectfully, that you’ll give his complaint serious attention and get back to him. Then end the conversation and leave. If he objects to your refusal to talk things out right away, announce with conviction that you believe it’s better to take a little time before you reply so as to avoid negative feeling. Remember, just because he files a complaint doesn’t mean he controls your time, emotions, or agenda.

Don’t wait for him to agree, just leave, and respond in writing if you want to avoid a scene. Repeat his complaint accurately, so that it’s clear you heard, and don’t understate his accusations.

Apologize, of course, if you think you did something wrong.

Otherwise, let him know you see things differently without explaining or getting into details. Don’t try to persuade him that your way is right, because the only person who needs to be persuaded is you, and if he’s failed the asshole test, he’ll never see your side, anyway.

Then close. Announce that you’ll have to agree to disagree and—this is important—that no good can come out of discussing the issue further. Make it clear that you won’t.

Yes, that one-two punch may trigger conflict, but don’t flinch. He can say whatever he wants, you’re just not going to listen, stay in the room, stay on the phone, or send a return email until he’s ready to drop the subject.

Your door is open to him and to good behavior, but closed to negative words about old complaints. He may stop calling, call you a jerk, and complain to everyone who knows you that you’re nasty and ungrateful. In other words, he may be an asshole. The good news is, you don’t have to be.

You’re doing the right thing if you stick with your response: you heard his complaint, responded, disagreed, and decided that it’s better left alone because it can’t be talked out. You have no animosity or complaint, and you certainly don’t have a reason to apologize.

STATEMENT:
“I hate having my brother angry at me but peace at any price is not good for my self respect. Tolerating his anger is better than offering undeserved apologies. Whether or not our relationship survives the change, I will no longer be forced to defend myself or win forgiveness when I’m sure I’ve done nothing wrong.”