Brain Change

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2011

We mock dogs for chasing their own tails, but people do the same thing everyday in their own heads; that’s what obsessions are like for those who sometimes know what they’re doing and wish they could stop, and sometimes just wish they could catch that tail. Some people can’t make up their minds, some can’t unmake them, but nobody can control those who are in obsession’s grasp. You can only stay calm and avoid argument while they mentally run in circles, chasing their own butts.
–Dr. Lastname

I have struggled and do struggle with mental illness. I am 29-years-old and live in my parent’s house with my 2-year-old. Although I have been in school and have worked a few jobs, I can’t seem to stay on one path once I’ve made a decision. I have a very difficult time making decisions, whether they are big decisions or small ones, and once I do finally make a decision I often drive myself crazy changing my mind a billion times. I break up with my boyfriend every few weeks because I’m doubting my decision of being with him, then I turn around and try to mend it because I’m doubting my decision about breaking up. I booked a trip and spent the whole two weeks prior wondering whether I should go, worrying about something bad possibly happening. I struggled right up until the morning of my flight, almost cancelling and not going to the airport 15 minutes before boarding time. This problem has contributed to ruining relationships in my life and I’m very tired of dealing with it. Why am I constantly plagued with indecisiveness and how can I cope?

Your were right the first time; what’s bothering you isn’t indecisiveness, it’s mental illness. That’s one of the many conclusions you don’t have to second guess.

It’s mental illness that makes you unthink everything you think; if it were indecisiveness, it would arise more from a wish to avoid decisions or uncertainty about what you want. Your problem seems more like a mental tic that obsesses you with doubts and alternatives every time you make a plan.

What’s clear is that you’ve tried to lead a life. You’ve gone to school and tried jobs, in spite of the agony you experience about every decision. You break up with your boyfriend, but you also try to keep relationships going. Every day your head is abuzz with doubts, but you don’t seem to give up.

No one knows why you have such a curse, or why anyone has mental illness. Maybe you have an excessive amount of a gene that normally causes reasonable self-doubt and helps people survive. Enough of that gene, and you’re the tribal leader; too much of it, and you’re a nervous wreck.

No one knows what causes illnesses like these, and there’s probably no single cause, but one thing is sure, and that’s that you haven’t caused this and don’t control it. Despite that, you’re doing good things to manage it. You’re letting your parents help and you’re committed to raising a child. You’re living a full life, even if it’s a painful one.

Don’t let your doubts persuade you that you’re defective. You’re afflicted, but you’re moving ahead, and every day that you manage to do some chores, be a good friend and mother, and look for work if you can, you’re overcoming your affliction.

As you probably know, medications sometimes reduce self-doubtful ruminations. The only way you’ll know for sure is by trying them, if you haven’t already, and being patient during the process. Another major way of managing this kind of torment is to fight the negative thoughts of self-doubt by developing a positive perspective and philosophy. Your ruminations will characterize you as a failure, and you need to find ways to fight back.

For now, keep living your life and developing your management skills. Treatment can make you a stronger manager, but in the meantime, be proud of what you’re doing to keep the mental turmoil from ruining your day to day activities and relationships. You might doubt your choices, but you have no reason to doubt yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I feel paralyzed by indecision and guilty about my inability to commit, but I have little control over this mental flip-flop tic and there’s nothing wrong with my wish to hold a job, stick to a decision, and be a good friend. I’ll keep on fighting for my values, look for ways to manage my ruminations, and respect myself for living a full life in spite of the way they sometimes cripple me.”

I’d like to leave my last marriage behind, but my ex won’t let go. She was the one who was always unhappy with me, but when I finally left, she said I had abused and abandoned her. She quickly found a new boyfriend to move in with her, but if she heard I was dating (from my next-door neighbor, whom she quizzes), she’d tell me she wouldn’t send the kids over if there was any chance that my friend was sleeping over. She changes visitation at the last minute just to see if I’ll react and threatens to go to court if I don’t like it. What can I do to get her to stop?

Obsessive love is creepy and destructive, as anyone with a casual knowledge of Lifetime movies can tell you. Maybe all love can cause obsessive thoughts, but some people lack either the will power to control what they do or the perspective to see what they’re doing or both. Then you (and your pets, family, bunnies, etc.) are in trouble.

Fighting and arguing with an intense ex makes things worse. Showing intense emotion of any kind gives her that connection she craves. If you show her you’re upset, you’re showing her how to get you next time.

Of course it drives you crazy; she’s upsetting the kids and portraying you as a villain, not to mention distorting the facts, spreading lies, and breaking agreements. You have every reason to be worried, enraged, and fearful for the kids—and even more reason to keep your feelings to yourself.

Pull out your poker face and put it on. If you have experience dealing with unhappy customers or clients, now’s the time to use it. You must respond whenever necessary, of course, and that will usually involve threats to visitation or major intrusions on your privacy. Your response, however, must not show fear or anger. It must express confidence in your ability to stop her if and when you think that time has come.

Your goal, of course, is not to win a contest or humiliate your ex. Her obsession is like a demon that has devoured her, so even though she can’t help it, her demon-controlled mind will fight to the death. Your job is to avoid feeding it and build a protective wall around your emotions and activities that it can’t get through.

Yes, you were married to a demon and now you aren’t. That’s the good part. Unfortunately, exorcism and revenge fantasies are for movies. What you’ve got to do requires patience, time, restraint, and courage. And maybe better movie channels.

STATEMENT:
“Although my ex-wife often makes me feel helpless and unhappy, I know that she’s nuts and can’t help it. I used to think that divorce or mediation or time or reason would help, but they haven’t. Now I have to use the careful techniques of a demon-whisperer to disconnect her from my life and make sure that her bad behavior doesn’t pay off.”