Value Pack

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2011

When someone behaves badly and doesn’t see it, it may be because they’re driven by values that can’t be contradicted, not by you, other priorities, or other values. It may also be because they don’t have any values other than their immediate needs, but either way, you’re looking at a hell of a relationship hurdle. In any case, don’t assume that agreement in principle is necessary for someone to change bad behavior. Sometimes it’s enough that you believe it’s bad and insist on change, very clearly, as a condition for continuing your relationship. Other times, they won’t budge, and as much as you value their company, your values have to come first.
–Dr. Lastname

My girlfriend is a good person, and we get along well, except when her ex-husband and spoiled son come into the picture. She’s the bread-winner, so her ex is always sending her bills for extra expenses and he messes with the visitation schedule whenever he wishes (their son lives with him because she’s often traveling on business). What seems to get to my girlfriend is when her ex shows signs of having a new live-in partner, and he’s nastier with her when he thinks I’m around. With her son, my girlfriend’s biggest fear is that he’ll get mad and not want to visit, so she gives him whatever he asks for. The whole situation creeps me out and puts me on the periphery. When I push her to set limits, she reacts as if I’m burdening her with one more demand. My goal is to make our relationship work.

The most devotedly pleasing girl in the world isn’t going to do you much good if she can’t carve out enough space and time for your relationship. After all, her devotion and drive to please have a waiting list.

If there’s a problem, as there is here, it’s often not a measure of how much she loves you, but of how well she can respond to other demands in her life. Without priorities or limits, she’s not going to please anyone.

Most divorced mothers become embroiled with their exes due to guilt and worrying too much about what will make the kids happy. Those are tough feelings to fight, because they arise, in part, from good values and intentions, and fighting them can stir up more guilt and guilt-provoking remarks from others.

Here, however, your girlfriend is also driven by jealousy from persistent attachment to her ex, as well as fear of being rejected by her son. She seems relatively unaware that it’s her job to fight those feelings for the sake of higher values, namely, burying their old love so both can move on, and letting her son know that she stands for good behavior and isn’t afraid to put limits on him if he gets out of line.

There’s a chance she’ll hear you when you explain why she should re-consider her priorities, but it’s more probable that if she changes her behavior, it’s to please you rather than because she understands what you mean. She’ll go back to her old ways as soon as you seem less upset/sufficiently pleased. Then it’s back to pleasing the rest of her brood.

So assume for the moment that your girlfriend doesn’t have the values to see why she needs to change, other than for your sake, and ask yourself whether you would still want her as a partner if she behaved better. If so, specify to yourself exactly what behaviors would need to change.

Maybe you’d be satisfied if she could stifle her emotional repartee with her ex and agree to respond with neutral-toned emails (someday this website will offer assorted templates for such emails for all occasions). You might be contented if she could endorse some rules, with consequences, for her son. Whatever you think is absolutely necessary, reasonable, and within her control, spell it out.

Avoid long talks, particularly if they involve blame or anguish. If your requirements are business-like, reasonable, and steer away from controlling her emotions or expressing anger or blame, then you’ll have no reason to argue, defend, or offer long explanations.

Advance a plan for changes you believe are fair and that you can’t do without. The only fix that will please you is permanent, even if that means ending things altogether. Hopefully, you can work out a plan where your priorities, and her best interests, come first.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my girlfriend could see what she’s doing wrong, and I wish it didn’t feel so personal when she puts me last when she’s upset about everyone else in her life. Still, I want this to work. If she buys into my plan, maybe it will. Otherwise, I’ll know I’ve done my best and that it wasn’t my anger or disappointment that drove us apart.”

I’m afraid of the way I’m feeling about my girlfriend, whom I’ve lived with for the last 6 years. I’m a widower, pretty easy-going, and I had a wonderful relationship with my late wife, and also with our kids, and now my girlfriend’s kids, but she’s pretty overbearing and nasty sometimes, and is always sure she’s right, and it’s slowly getting to me. I always avoid conflict, but gradually I’ve gotten depressed and accustomed to walking on eggshells. Recently, I gave her a letter detailing my unhappiness and saying we had to talk. It took a lot of courage, because I hate conflict. Since then, she’s behaved a little better, but she has nothing to say. From her point of view, there’s nothing wrong and I’m over-sensitive. I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t go on like this. My goal is to find a way we can talk this out.

If you’re talking to someone who doesn’t share your values or perceptions, you have nothing to gain and lots to lose. Talking can get you frustrated and tired, or make you doubt yourself as you encounter your girlfriend’s conviction that either she did nothing wrong or that, if she did, you’re over-reacting. On the other hand, avoiding conflict and lying low won’t help you either, because that’s where you’re at right now.

It’s good you wrote her a letter in order to make her understand, spark communication, etc., but odds are, you probably knew better. Now that you’ve confirmed the death of that false hope, ask yourself whether you want to live with her as she is and, if the answer is no, whether there is some realistic change in her behavior that would make your relationship acceptable.

That’s right, sometimes people will behave better if you provide them with house rules, even if they don’t understand why the rules exist or entirely agree with them. (Sometimes, of course, they can’t behave better and rules can’t help them, but a few limits can often go a long way).

Draw up the rules you believe are absolutely necessary. Run them past your trusted advisors, so you’re sure they’re fair and untainted by anger or blame (see above). Don’t open the door on conflict, debate, or discussion about who does what wrong. Stick to your vision for a better future. Sure, your girlfriend may always believe she’s right and you may be more the doubting sort, but you should take courage from your track record of strong, successful relationships, so that you can act with conviction.

Make it clear that you will stop the conversation if she uses a certain tone of voice, repetition will clear the room, and a third repetition means one of you leaves the house. Be prepared to make it stick and act quickly and decisively, before you get too angry or feel you have to explain yourself.

Assuming you decide she’s worth the extra effort and that you don’t mind living with someone whose self-control and values aren’t what you’d wish, then you may find she’s more flexible than you thought. If she’s not, then you know you shouldn’t be conflicted about ending the relationship.

STATEMENT:
“I love my girlfriend, but I can’t get her to understand why she needs to back off when I ask her to. I know it won’t work unless she does better. I’ll let her know what’s required and show her I mean it. Then we’ll see.”