Forced Exposure

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2011

The mistake most people make when they want to improve someone they love (or even themselves) is to share their unfiltered, unabridged negative feelings as a source of motivation. They’re right, of course, it is a powerful source of motivation—to avoid you and your criticism like the plague. When you want to make someone better, keep the negativity in check while you urge someone, often yourself, to think reasonably about what will work out better. Being close to someone doesn’t give you the right to unload; be a sibling second, an amateur shrink first.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always been close to my younger brother but I kept quiet about my objections to the woman he married, although she sure came with baggage—a mean ex-husband and 2 unhappy kids. Recently, however, it turned out that the mean ex-husband wasn’t entirely wrong, and she is indeed self-centered, bossy, and nasty and shows very little respect to my brother or, in one memorable episode, our parents. When she cussed out my mother, I’d had enough, and let him know I thought she’d gone too far. Since then, as you might guess, my brother has not been eager to talk to me and certainly doesn’t want to talk about his marriage, even though my main feelings for him are positive and protective. I would do anything to get him to seek help, since he won’t talk to anyone in the family, but I don’t know how to get through to him. So how can I get him to talk to someone?

There’s a common notion that shrinks are good at getting through to loved ones who won’t listen to anyone else; that a psychiatrist can double as a spiritual Sherpa, able to guide the stubborn up Mount Issues to the Summit of Personal Insight.

What people forget is that shrinks aren’t Sherpas, we’re strangers—we lack facts and a vivid, first-hand impression about whatever the rotten thing is that they should be advised against—and there’s no reason to believe a stranger can succeed where a sibling can’t.

All we know about our patients is what they tell us (supplemented, maybe, by second-hand accounts from their relatives, whom we know even less about), and if they don’t see a problem, even if you do, they wouldn’t tell us about it in the first place.

The other problem with counting on a professional third party to talk sense into someone is that confrontation often drives defensive patients away. Unlike you, however, we won’t be seeing one another at family events for the rest of our lives.

So shrinks don’t mind acting as messengers—everyone has to make a living, and we aren’t being asked to lift heavy furniture or sing—but it doesn’t work, and it isn’t free.

On the other hand, you might do better at getting your own message across if you could keep your negative feelings under control and adopt a professional stance. After all, professionalism isn’t about not having feelings for your clients/patients, it’s about keeping those feelings out of the conversation while helping someone think through their best interests.

As much as you want and feel entitled to share your negative feelings of disgust and outrage with your brother, put them aside for the greater goal. Instead, talk to him about your wish that his marriage work out well for him and ask him whether the partnership has developed the good, positive things he hoped for, more than enough to outweigh the “baggage” of his wife’s other obligations.

If he bristles at the mere mention of baggage, take a step back and focus on his needs again. If he sticks with you, proceed with caution and watch your word choice carefully. After all, semantics are everything during a tense negotiation, so, when talking professionally about his asshole wife’s bad behavior, do NOT call it bad behavior. Talk about it as “conflict” or “difficult feelings” or “control problems.”

Again, take your lead from him, alluding to her problem if and only if he sees her as having a problem, and describing her as a good person who has less control than one would wish. Make it clear you only want good things for both of them, even if what you really want to do is tear both of them brand new assholes.

If he worships her absolutely, then the conversation will be short. Chances are, however, that your brother holds his wife partly accountable and wishes to talk about her problems, but can’t until he’s assured you won’t condemn her.

Stay focused then on the state of his union and whether or not he can help her to change. Assuming he hopes that she can and you know better, urge him to consider what he’ll do if she can’t. He has to Sherpa is own damn self, but your job is gently getting him to realize that there’s a hike in the first place.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see the way my brother and our family are disrespected by his wife, but I have the experience and skills to stay positive while I urge him to think about what he can do, if anything, to make the situation better for everyone (including his wife) and whether or not this partnership is likely to go where he wants it.”

I like to do things for people, but sometimes I spread myself too thin, and my friends sometimes accuse me of not delivering on my promises, and sometimes they’re right, which just makes me feel superficial and disloyal. When I try harder, however, I then find myself promising even more and delivering less, so I just can’t seem to prove myself. I wonder what’s wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself.

Focusing too much on your promises, particularly when you like to give, will usually draw you into a cycle of over-commitment, broken trust, guilt, and, of course, a renewed need to make more promises. The need for redemption (like message-delivery, see above) is a major source of my business.

People who like to do good often assume that the opposite is doing bad, or not doing good enough, or failing to keep your promises, when, in reality, it’s not that big a deal, particularly when you consider the many things you don’t control that don’t reflect on your character whatsoever.

You might think you gain control of your goodness by making promises—keep them, and you’re a good person, entitled to self-esteem—but the opposite is true, because of that little problem, mentioned above, of your having imperfect control and being obliged to do lots of other things, and not enough time to do them. The more control you want, the less you get.

What counts most is keeping commitments with people who depend on you the most—who make the most commitment to you—and doing what you can with what you control while taking into account other commitments to your own survival and betterment. In other words, while it’s not an easy thing to do, it’s important keep your priorities straight.

So, instead of letting guilt or a need for redemption push you to over-commit, learn to improve your self-management. Take commitments under advisement, consider your resources and other promises before opening your mouth, and respect your good intentions without submitting to them automatically.

When it comes to performance ratings, use the same system you would use for anyone else: whether you’ve been doing a good enough job at being a self-supporting person and friend and relative, given what you’ve had to put up with and the resources at your disposal.

If you rate yourself after careful thought, rather than relying on the flushed aftermath of having done a good deed, you’ll give yourself better management and steer clear of many troubles. You won’t be driven crazy by the need to be good if you learn to be satisfied with doing your best.

STATEMENT:
“I always feel better about myself when I can do good for others and I hate not keeping my promises, but I know it’s not the worst thing in the world to over-commit and I’ve developed my own standards for deciding whether I’m working hard enough at being a good friend and making the world a better place.”