Body Talk

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 22, 2011

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People like to think that trusting an inner voice—their gut, their instincts, the force, etc.—will always lead in the right direction. In actuality, instincts and body parts are better known for causing instant urges (a.k.a. “feelings”) that ignore logic and implant convictions that the sky is falling, love occurs at first sight, and advertising never lies. When it comes to major decisions, don’t trust your gut (which, as we’ve pointed out before, is literally full of shit). Find out facts and figure out the odds before doing something that scares you, titillates you, or gives you an enormous Visa bill.
–Dr. Lastname

My brother is a good doctor, and an especially good one given that he’s struggled with depression his whole life. When his own illness needs attention, however, he becomes a terrible patient. He doesn’t get depressed often, but when he does he obsesses about the possible side effects of each medication and so doesn’t take what’s recommended, takes half the prescribed dose, or insists on his doctor giving him something less harmful (and much less effective). The result is that he drives his doctor (and me) crazy and takes a lot longer to get better. When I tell him he’s over-reacting to his fears, he tells me “I’ve learned to listen to my body.” I know he’s a doctor, but I think his body’s lying. What can I do to help him when he’s sick?

It’s a sad fact of mental illness that it often prolongs itself by disabling a person’s ability to seek and select appropriate treatment. Like any smart disease, it knows from self-preservation (in all the ways your brother does not).

That means you can’t necessarily get through to your brother by reasoning or addressing his fears. In your brother’s case, it’s unlikely, not just because you and his doctors have tried and nothing works, but also because he is a doctor, and the side-effect of trying to treat a doctor is a giant pain in the ass.

Recognizing his response as inherently unreasonable and illness-driven, however, can build your confidence in your own opinion to the point where you don’t have to persuade or argue. If he insists on listening to his body, you can serve some truth to his brain.

Yes, medications have potential side-effects and some of them can be dangerous or unbearable. On the other hand, that’s true of all medication, which means you don’t choose a medication because it’s known to be safe, but because it’s relatively safe compared to the condition it’s treating and less risky to try than doing nothing. He probably tells all of his patients that, even if his body isn’t giving him the same message.

Don’t then reassure him that medications are safe, things will turn out well, or his body will deliver good news, because you’ll just be burdening yourself with responsibility for easing his anxiety. Instead, acknowledge his anxiety without offering it respect.

You don’t need to be a doctor to know that he’s anxious, life is hard, medication uncertain, and anxiety is a symptom of his illness. In your opinion, however, he needs to man up, stop listening to his body or the many fears his illness is pushing through his body like a speaker, and start to follow through on the decisions the professional, reasonable side of his brain has already made (or that have been recommended by the doctor he chose to advise that side of his brain). Appeal to the part of his mind that is healthy, instead of negotiating with the part that’s sick, suffering, and nutty.

Patients of any profession have a right to trust their instincts, but when you’re suffering from a disease that pointedly impairs instincts and strengthens fears, it’s time to admit that your body’s voice is secondary and get a second opinion.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to see my brother suffer and dither, but the best I can do is to refuse to listen to the dithering, remind him that he makes good decisions (when he’s himself) and urge him to follow through on his current treatment plan, which represents those decisions. If he can’t, I may feel helpless, but I’ll believe in my message, deliver it when I can, and take pride in having done my best.

I still don’t understand what went wrong with my marriage. He was my best friend, we got along well, he liked his work, and we had 3 wonderful kids. Then he decided I was boring and got a divorce. My heart always told me he was the right guy. If I can’t trust him, I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone. My goal is to figure out what went wrong and get my confidence back.

It’s not uncommon to hear someone describe their spouse (or, more likely, their ex) as their “best friend.” And if that someone had known their spouse for years, gone through hard times together, and seen evidence of loyalty, fidelity, and reasonable self-control, then “best friend” would be the right term. May they get matching necklaces and/or tattoos and live happily ever after.

The problem is that there’s a big, sad difference between that kind of best-friendship and feelings of closeness that can arise quickly from interpersonal chemistry, mutual interests, common enemies, and one or both parties trying very hard to be attractive.

Instant best-friendship can feel just as close and important as the real thing, but the major, crucial difference is that the person you feel extremely close to is someone you don’t really know from a hole in the ground.

So forget about how well you got along with him and what your heart told you; those are feelings, like the body messages above, to take under advisement. Ask yourself whether your husband was good at standing by his friends and not getting carried away by ambition or new attractions.

Chances are this is not the first time he’s gotten tired of the old and jumped to whatever made him feel better. You just didn’t want to think he would do it to you, because your heart was having such a good time and you didn’t want to spoil the party.

Nobody wants to hear it when their heart is broken, but the only way to get over being dumped is to suffer for a while and learn from what went wrong. Don’t learn to distrust people or your own sense of being loveable and acceptable to those who know you well, because that’s not the problem.

Instead, learn to distrust your heart when it insists on working solo, without the ol’ brain as a co-pilot. Learn to trust your experience, which tells you that people don’t change, and that you can trust people who have always been trustworthy, once you know them well enough. You can still listen to your heart, but insist on hard proof.

Your heart may now tell you that you and the kids are rejectable, but don’t listen. Anyone who knows and loves you will also disagree with that, especially your real best friends.

STATEMENT:
“Being dumped by my trusted partner has left me hurting and doubting, but I have no reason to doubt myself or my own ability to be a good wife and friend. The only thing I need to improve is my asshole radar.”