Friends With Agruments

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2011

If you’re going to get into a fist fight, you should certainly size up your opponent before you take the first swing. The same is true for verbal arguments, especially when they’re with those close to you; you may feel entitled to lay into your spouse/sibling with blow after blow of invective, but if s/he fights dirty, or if you turn out to be outnumbered, you’re better off putting your dukes down, or, even better, rejecting the brawl all together. After all, you have a choice beyond standing up or shutting up; if you believe that you’ve done no wrong, then you have the power to shut it down.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know if my goal is to be less critical of my husband, or for my husband to be less sensitive to criticism. Here’s an example: the other day, he almost ran out of gas when we were on a trip together, so I asked him why he didn’t just stop when he had the chance, and he said it’s because I said I was in a hurry and made him tense, and that I always distract him and get him to make mistakes. In other words, his mistake became my fault. Then I stopped talking, and he accused me of giving him the silent treatment and being unwilling to talk things out, but really, if I’d opened my mouth I would have let him have it, and he probably would’ve crashed the car in a rage and blamed me for distracting him. So you tell me if there’s a better goal than just shutting the fuck up and keeping my distance.

If only there was a service, or maybe just an app, that could determine which spouse had the nastier tone of voice in a marital dispute, because in marriage, it’s so often not what you say, but how you say it. That’s why men are always encouraged to just keep their mouths shut and let the roses or diamonds do the talking.

What you’re really asking, however, is not whether you were right to be annoyed or wrong to criticize your husband, but whether his negative response justifies your distancing yourself.

In other words, you can’t decide whether withdrawal is necessary, or if you’re just sulking. So it’s not what or how he says it, but what or how (or if) you should say something back.

The answer isn’t to submit your argument to the court of internet psychiatric opinion, but to decide for yourself when it’s right to withdraw, whether or not you’re angry and/or hurt. Some people would say that the only way to get through a marital argument is to share your feelings, try to solve the problem, and never go to bed angry. I would bet money those people are single.

In the real world, it’s right to withdraw if you’re sure you’re getting nowhere, or you or your partner are too angry or hurt to listen, or you view things too differently. If you don’t withdraw, you may make things worse, argue all night, start work exhausted, and so lose your job, your sanity, and your will to stay married. So decide whether withdrawal is a necessary response to unbridgeable differences or a form of retaliation.

In this case, you had good reason to withdraw and it seems likely that anything you said would be used against you. If your husband said he couldn’t stop for gas because of something you did, I don’t know what your anger would make him do, but probably not have a reasonable conversation.

Ask yourself whether your husband often blames you or others when he gets anxious. If he does, you have an additional reason to disown personal responsibility for the conflict. If he always blames you in these situations, then ironically, his reaction isn’t your fault; it’s just the way he is, he’s not going to change, and there’s no reason to argue.

Once you believe withdrawal is necessary, and thus permit yourself to keep quiet, it’s much easier to do it nicely because you don’t have to justify your actions in terms of what’s wrong with the other guy. Instead of telling him that there’s no point in talking to him because he always lands you with the blame, you can tell him that the argument isn’t worth having and it’s better to talk about something else. If he doesn’t want to change the subject, then he’s the one forced to withdraw and sulk over his lost opportunity to bicker.

Just because you stumble across a marital crime doesn’t mean that you have to explain yourself and resolve the issue; in marriage, as in crime, you have the right to remain silent. And if you can’t get him to control his anger and blame, don’t wait for him to say it with flowers, you can say it yourself with your middle finger and ask for a divorce.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my husband didn’t screw up and then blame his screw-ups on my criticism, but that’s the way it is. I may not be able to hide my irritation. I will limit the damage by shutting down negative conversations, insisting that they get positive, and showing my willingness to make it happen.”

I wish I had a closer relationship with my brother, but I’m furious with him for siding with his wife in an idiot dispute about nothing. She’s well known for having negative opinions about everyone else’s business and, this time, she felt I owed her an apology because my granddaughter did something embarrassing involving someone else and I didn’t tell her. When my brother sided with her, that was it. He was once my best friend and now I can never trust him again. My goal is to stand up for myself by letting him know I won’t tolerate his, or her, disrespect, and that the relationship is over unless he apologizes. Isn’t it harmful to compromise when someone has been abusive?

Whenever you lose a close friendship (or part of it) to that combination of wussy-weakness and your friend’s marrying an asshole, it hurts. Trouble is, many long-term relationships have their good side as well as bad, along with a shared history and sense of community that can be lost along with the bad stuff if you toss the whole thing.

So consider what is really most self-protective before you give your relationship with your brother the ax and perform what is, in effect, an amputation that will hurt a whole lot more.

For one thing, knowing that confrontation will accomplish what your sister-is-law wants—separating you from your brother—suggests that it’s not your goal. Yes, you’ll never be able to trust him the way you did, but his act of betrayal isn’t personal. He’s not going out of his way to disrespect you; he’s a wimp who’s just carrying water for his wife.

Besides, by reacting openly you’re giving power to their idea of disrespect rather than your own. If you know you’ve acted properly, respect yourself by taking no responsibility for justifying your views or responding to theirs.

After all, you’ve done nothing wrong and aren’t responsible for your brother’s sense of grievance or his wife’s. Take your self-respect to a higher level by convincing yourself that you owe him no explanation and are entitled to shut off any conversation on the topic. It’s one thing to voice a confident argument; it’s even better to be confident enough to have no need to argue.

Remember, declaring war is seldom the best way to protect yourself. You can’t protect yourself totally from the pain of broken loyalty, but you will do better if you believe that your actions need no defense and realize that showing your disappointment will accomplish no good.

Confronting your brother does nothing but force him into his wife’s loving arms and add to your pain. Certainly, let him know you disagree, but keep your negative feelings to yourself, talk positively, and back away quietly.

That’s the best way to do a necessary downgrade of a partially broken relationship without making things worse. Sometimes, when you want to avoid an amputation, a tourniquet will do.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to have my brother turn on me after years of friendship and trust, but it shouldn’t be unexpected and it’s not my fault. I’ll be best off hiding the hurt, stopping the argument, and keeping things civil with someone I want to keep in my life, even if we’ll never be the same.”