Your Bad

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2011

Funny thing about fuck-ups—“fucking up,” despite being their specialty, is their least favorite topic of conversation, probably because they haven’t joined the honorable brotherhood of fuck-ups by choice. I know, life is supposed to be all about choices, but it’s actually about the choices you make about the things you have no choice about. Assume that most people don’t like to fuck up, figure out what their limitations are, and your conversations will become fuck-up-free.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t understand why my colleague has become such a sloppy teacher. She’s smart and well-trained and relates well to people, but it’s become common knowledge in our department that the kids don’t like her and complain that her classes are disorganized and have very little content. Maybe she’s decided that her part-time sales job is more important than teaching because it makes her more money. My goal, if she’s really decided that teaching isn’t important, is to avoid discussing the subject with her and talk about other things when we hang out. Does this make sense?

People always interpret one another’s inexplicable actions as if they’re the result of choice, rather than, well, inexplicable. The reason they call them stupid decisions is because intelligent forethought was never part of the equation.

It’s upsetting to see your friend and colleague do a bad job, so you assume she’s doing it because she chose to commit her time elsewhere, where the money is. Sadly, you’re probably inflating her grade.

Plus, with that assumption, there’s no way to talk to her about her work without sounding moralistic and critical, having a very unpleasant conversation, and putting your relationship at risk.

Ask yourself instead whether there are possible reasons for her actions that do not arise from choice. In spite of being bright and well-trained, she may be tuned out about the negative impact she’s having on her students and the cost to her reputation or too obsessed with other things and unable to prioritize. She may be depressed, which would make her indifferent to almost anything.

The moment you allow yourself to consider these out-of-control possibilities, you create an opportunity for a constructive, non-critical, potentially helpful conversation. Ask her whether she’s satisfied with the feedback she’s been getting about her teaching, thinks it’s accurate, and has ideas about what she wants to do with her career.

If she’s oblivious, tell her you think her reputation is damaged and see if she wants your help in repairing it. If she cares, whether she recognizes what’s happening or not, you’re on the same side.

If she doesn’t care, don’t judge her choice. Instead, judge her judgment by asking her about the risks and benefits of putting her other work ahead of her teaching. You’re hoping that her choices are just that, rational expressions of what she sees as the pros and cons, and not the result of impulsive emotion. As long as you’re commenting on the process and not criticizing her failure as a teacher, you’re on her side.

That said, don’t think of her as a failed teacher. Think of her as a respected and gifted friend whose failing performance may or may not be something you or she can do something about, and you want to be sure you’ve done all you can to help. Help change her stupid decision to a smart one, and she just might squeak out a passing grade.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to see a competent friend fail without asking her why and implying she should be doing better. I will try to figure out what’s getting in her way without assuming that she can necessarily do better or that she’s making bad choices. Once I’ve done what I can, even if it does nothing to help, I’ve been a good friend.”

I don’t know why my son never seems to listen to me. He’s bright, and a great guy, but he’s very unfocused, undisciplined, and, like it or not, lazy. He has lots of interests and energy, but never seems to finish what he’s started. He takes jobs that are creative, exciting and have no future (the same could be said about his girlfriends). Every time I give him advice, time proves me right, but he never listens. My goal is to understand why he’s so stubborn and/or dumb.

Again, as in the case above, it’s easier to assume that your son is a smart guy who makes bad choices rather than consider the possibility that he’s stuck with a problem, stupiditis, that neither he nor you can control.

The trouble is, as long as you think he could choose to make his problems go away, you’re implying he’s a lazy loser and that you’re bad at getting through to him.

It’s more likely, I’m afraid, that he’s not a loser or stupid, really—his decisions are—because he doesn’t have the choices you both wish he had. If only his disorder at least awarded him better parking, but no.

A leading possibility is that he’s too ADD, creative, and/or impulsive to stick with plans that will pay off in the long run. Some people are born that way, usually because they got those genes from their mother or father. (Yes, it’s true, parents are always to blame).

The moment you accept him, however, you can help him accept himself and take into account both the disruptive and creative side of his temperament. Maybe he’ll never stick with a good job, but he’s obviously willing to work and support himself, and he’s become good at jumping from one ship to another. If he can’t be a career-builder, appreciate his skill as a ship-jumper.

Maybe he’ll never find a girl who would be a good life partner, but he’s also not starting families he can’t support. Respect his ability to make the most of his relationships without creating a major mess.

No, you’re not letting him off the hook, because the hook is life and how hard it is to survive and get what he wants. Accepting his problems means acknowledging that life will be harder for him, take extra effort, and sometimes require painful compromise. Once you’re past the sadness, you’ll be able to cheer him on, and your advice will finally stick.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to watch my son fail without assuming he could do better if he’d only listen to me. The fact is, however, that I’ve done a good job communicating and it’s probable that he can’t help himself. If that’s the case, I’ve done a good job, he hasn’t done a bad job, and it’s time to think positively about the good things he’s done with his limitations.”