Confidence Man

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2011

If we’re to believe the common wisdom that self-esteem is as important to the human body as insulin, white blood cells, and limbs, then it’s important to remember that too much is a bad thing. True, too little is the one that hurts in the short run, but too much can lead to bad decisions that can be just as harmful as diabetes. What’s important is to manage the self-esteem you’ve got so it doesn’t make you a wimp or a jerk. Maintain a healthy balance, because you need too much self-confidence like you need that extra arm.
–Dr. Lastname

I constantly feel inadequate, though I am socially quite confident and easy-going. I have always been a worrier, and someone that seeks approval from others—mainly because of the relationship I have with my parents, where praise is hard to come by. Ever since graduating (a year ago),my confidence seems to have hit rock bottom. I became very disheartened by the whole application process, and felt like I became reduced to a series of bullet points. As a result, the many rejection emails I received were crushing. I have since found a job I generally enjoy, but cannot shake a feeling of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m being a bad employee, friend, daughter. I worry about money, about the fact I don’t meet guys that I can make a relationship work with…When a guy I was dating recently treated me undeniably badly, I still found myself questioning my own behavior, worrying it was my fault. I want to make plans for the future, but keep finding reasons why my ambitions will be impossible to achieve. How can I stop giving myself such a hard time, and take my future by the horns?

Yes, there are people who are optimistic, happy, and full of confidence, and their optimism often generates its own good results and gets everyone, including advice-givers, worshiping the “groove” they’re in and telling you how to get it.

What they don’t tell you is that the groove is overvalued; sooner or later, life sucks, and when it does, it won’t shake you nearly as much as someone who has never experienced self-doubt and thinks they’ve got the world by the tail. So one thing you can be optimistic about is that you’re prepared for disaster.

What’s even more impressive about your feelings of overwhelming insecurity is that they don’t seem to be coupled with inertia; they call it “paralyzing self-doubt” for a reason, but you’re still on the move using your worry as a motivator, and it’s commendable.

Instead of letting your insecurity hold you back, you’re still filling out your applications, getting a job you like, dating, and, presumably, dumping someone who treated you badly, even if he got you doubting yourself. I’m not minimizing the power of your feelings at all; just suggesting that, as strong as they are, you’ve proven yourself stronger, and that’s what counts.

Therapy might or might not help reduce your feelings of insecurity, but if you can’t afford therapy or have already had some, don’t get discouraged. What helps most, very often, is not therapy itself, but the techniques you learn from therapy and the effect they have on you after much practice.

In any case, don’t expect your self-doubt to go away very soon, because that expectation will just feed your negative thinking. If, instead, you expect to keep your worry and need for approval from affecting your decisions, you’re already well on the way to your destination.

It’s too bad you’re haunted by insecurity, but keep on doing the right thing and hanging out with people who respect you, and you’ll find the haunting matters less and less and your faith in your own strength and accomplishments will grow.

You’ve accomplished so much, despite your nagging concerns—don’t worry about getting your “groove” back.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling insecure all the time and not being able to stop it, but I haven’t let it stop me, and I will never let those feelings make me forget what I value about myself, my friendships, and my accomplishments.”

My daughter is a screw-up but she’s always sure she’s on the right track. She forgets to pay bills, loses track of appointments, avoids any daily routine, and often doesn’t return phone calls. She’s very smart and can hold an IT job for a while, but it’s only a matter of time until she drops the ball. The trouble is, she always believes she’s got the answer, or that she doesn’t need anyone else’s advice when, in reality, she’s a mess. I hate to knock her poise—and I know some people would say she’s just masking uncertainty—but, whatever it is, being gentle with her doesn’t work. How do I get through to her that she needs to manage herself more carefully?

So the good news is that your daughter doesn’t suffer from being overly sensitive, or sensitive at all, to criticism. The bad news is that, because she can’t learn from criticism, you worry about her ability to survive. As we always say, excessive self-esteem is not a problem that can be ignored.

Don’t hold yourself responsible for getting through to her; others may think that no one can be a total screw-up unless they’re spoiled rotten, but you and I know better. I’m sure her teachers and others have tried to hold her responsible for her mistakes and gotten nowhere. Some people are born that way (probably complimenting themselves for such a great birth).

If that’s true, there’s no point in holding her responsible for her mistakes, because your moral disapproval will sour your relationship, stiffen her resistance, and do no good. The scary fact is that God creates some people who lack the capacity to see their mistakes. They’re not assholes, because they do have values and sensitivities; they just have an enormous, self-shaped blind spot.

You also know that her handicap lets no one off the hook, even if it makes blame pointless, so you’re still responsible for trying to teach her better survival tools, even if she’s blind to her problems.

Hold yourself responsible for nothing but trying. Instead of chiding her or winning her agreement, let her know that you think she’s got a broader disability than she thinks she has, even though she’s very bright, and that the worst part of her disability is that she can’t tell when she’s in trouble.

Think up tools she can use to audit herself, like to-do lists, schedules with deadlines, and budgets. Prompt her to do daily audits on all her major problem areas. Whenever she fucks up, urge her to ask herself whether she slipped up on the audit and how to do better next time.

If only she could join ESE (Excessive Self-Esteem) Anonymous, your burden would be easier. Meanwhile, use 12-step methods to keep her focused on her problem without expressing negative feelings or forcing her to agree. You think she’s blind to responsibilities, she doesn’t, and time will give her evidence she may or may not interpret correctly.

In the meantime, you’ve done a good job, even if you’re not yet getting results, so maybe it’s time to take some of her extra esteem for yourself.

STATEMENT:
“It sometimes amazes me that someone can be as bright as my daughter and not see what she’s doing to herself, but I know her problem is real, she can’t help it, and my wife and I have done a good job. We’ll keep on doing a good job, whether or not she gets better at managing her problem.”