Ethical Treatment

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2011

Most times, people assume they have values if they want to do good and punish the wicked. You should know, however, that, since punishing the wicked feels good, it probably isn’t good for you (or for anyone). Real values take into account the fact that many good deeds end up badly, and doing the right thing is often frustrating because you can’t control how it turns out. Still, if you stay true to what you think is right, no matter how it feels in the short-run, you might not feel good, but you’ll feel good about yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

A lot of your responses seminal components point to having the questioners turn their attention to their ‘values.’ Can you please elucidate a bit on how you define said values with regards to the context you utilize said term, as well as how to go about developing such a core set of values when one feels that he or she has none?

Values are whatever make you feel like a good person, aside from just feeling good because you’re feeling good (e.g. by enjoying what you’re doing, or having a good talk, or getting good feedback, or just being lucky).

In other words, there are lots of perfectly constructive ways to feel good that aren’t bad for your health, but they’re like a sunny day. They represent good luck, which means you don’t control them, and if you make it your goal to feel good, it’s like giving yourself responsibility for good weather. You’ll be sorry (and I’ll be working).

Values, on the other hand, have nothing to do with your luck and are under your control, because you can always try to do something you think is worth doing, whether you get it done or not.

They include treating other people decently, being self-supporting, doing your share, and taking some responsibility for the people who are closest to you. In other words, trying to be a good person. Values aren’t reactive to how you feel or how you’re treated.

You may follow those values because you think that’s the way to get to heaven or get someone (e.g., Jesus, your partner, your shrink) to love you. Usually, however, life messes with people who do good because they expect a reward, even if they just expect to be treated fairly. When bad luck falls on such people—and it’s an equal opportunity enterprise—they lose their faith, because they never really had it.

Some people would say you don’t have to believe in a deity to have values, while others would say that’s what religion is: values that you believe in simply because that’s your idea of making the world better and becoming a person you respect. Other people (like myself) say to do whatever works.

That said, don’t assume you lack values because you’re an atheist, or because you’re depressed or self-critical or don’t like what you’ve done. Assess your values by asking yourself whether you try to do a good day’s work, or be a good friend or son or daughter, and care about such things in the first place.

If you truly don’t have values, then you probably wouldn’t care enough to write in and ask and you’d be sure your values are great and other people’s stink. Instead, you wrote in because you question yourself, which is a decision worth feeling good about.

STATEMENT:
“I may feel like I’m not attached to people and make no effort to make the world a better place, but I have values if I try to do a good job or keep promises or be a good friend. When everything is going badly, knowing I’ve lived up to my values is the surest comfort I can have.”

I don’t understand my husband or his family. I can understand that he feels I’m boring and that he can’t help the fact that he no longer loves me. But I don’t see why that gives him a right to leave me with the kids, go out in the evenings, come home drunk, and contribute to the mortgage when he feels like it. Sooner or later he’s going to get caught driving drunk. Meanwhile, he treats me as if I’m a drag to be around and encourages the kids to see me the same way. I’ve asked his parents to speak to him, but they think his drinking is normal and tell me they don’t want to get involved. My goal is to find some way to get my husband to see he’s putting himself in danger and hurting our family.

When you’re faithful to your partnership and your partner isn’t, the result often isn’t good for anyone. Your values are good—fidelity, reliability, sobriety, paying your bills—but, in certain situations, they can cause harm, and this may be one of those situations.

Go back to your reasons for getting married, aside from the love, lust, romance, and subscription to Martha Stewart Weddings.” You assume that a partner will do his part, especially when it comes to money, safety, and parenting. If not, things get tougher for you and the kids, and your hard work supports his bad behavior, which isn’t doing him a favor.

Looking back, you might change your wedding vows, promising to stick with him through thick and thin, work hard, and do your best, contingent on his doing the same. Then again, you probably said, “I take this man,” not, “I take this asshole,” but an asshole is what you got.

As asshole, of course, is someone without good values who is, in his/her opinion, entirely without blame. As such, your charming husband might say his vowing was contingent on your staying pretty, attractive, and fun to be with. If he had said that, you would have known what you were getting into.

In any case, you’ve tried hard to save your husband from himself, and it hasn’t worked. Now ask yourself whether, during all your efforts, you’ve seen any sign that your husband feels that he’s been behaving badly. If so, you haven’t described it.

Chances are, then, that he doesn’t share your values, since his idea of the marriage working is that it feels better, and it does when he drinks. Not only can’t you change him, but you can see where this is going.

Your only option is to decide whether you and the family are better off with your being married to him the way he is or being divorced. See a lawyer and find out what you need to know, but according to this doctor, the asshole you were born with is the only one you need.

STATEMENT:
“My instinct is to try to save my husband from himself and keep my marriage intact, but I have to admit that the doesn’t share my values and isn’t going to change. My job now is to figure out what’s best for me and my family.”