Pretty Hate Machine

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 14, 2011

Some of us have demons inside, whether we like it or not, for reasons that are always unfair and usually inexplicable. You don’t have to be Buffy to know what demons are like-—full of hate, need, and the power to make you do things that hurt others and yourself. Absent Buffy or a neighborhood exorcist, you’ve got to learn to live with your demon if you have one (or more) sharing your body, and the best way to begin is to remember who you are and what you care about, other than the immediate satisfaction the demon demands. Then you can reach out to other demon-fighters, whom you’ll find are more numerous, available, and courageous than you would ever have imagined when you were fighting your demon alone.
–Dr. Lastname

I discovered this site after reading Emma Forrest’s book, “Your Voice In My Head” [fxckfeelings.com was cited in the acknowledgments –Dr. Lastname]. I am very young (in high school) and have suffered from anorexia/bulimia for 3 years. I never had a calm childhood, and after being obese I lost half of my body weight through anorexia within half a year, but I gained all of it back by bingeing in not even a few months. I feel like I was not even strong enough to ”stay anorexic’,’ so I became bulimic. Everyday I wake up thinking about how I should die or how long I can keep living with myself, because I despise who I am, and it is becoming unbearable. I truly believe I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will never get out of this and will spend the rest of my life with an eating disorder which has ruined my life. I have no more strength to keep fighting, I have had enough, enough of life. Please help, I am ready to hear anything.

As mental illnesses go, eating disorders are the most parasitic; they literally consume their host in order to thrive, but instead of demanding more food, they feed upon your body and self-worth.

Instead of having a moderate, healthy awareness of your own attractiveness, you’re dealing with a leech that is rarely satisfied with how you look and more often intensely disgusted with the ways you fall short. It would rather wipe you out than live with you ugly (and it always thinks you’re ugly).

If you’re lucky, you’ve got parents who understand your obsessions but have gained an ability to value themselves for who they are, not how they look, that allows them to live with the pain of body-hate or out-of-control eating and/or starving. They then work patiently with you (and likely outside help) to help you regain that perspective.

If you’re unlucky, depressive thoughts and/or out-of control behaviors, driven by genes or childhood experiences that are similar to yours, have pushed your parents into big trouble or divorce, or they’ve pushed you to the point that you can’t accept help from anyone. I hope that’s not your problem, but you’re sure not lucky.

Since you found out about fxckfeelings.com from Ms. Forrest’s book, you know then that the hero of the book is the psychiatrist she found who, in addition to helping her feel better, also gave her perspective about her mood swings and out-of-control behavior. He made it clear that, while there was no cure, it wasn’t her fault, and there were lots of good people who learn to live with these problems and lead good lives. He gave her realistic hope that she’s carried with her, even after his death.

While there’s no guarantee that psychotherapy or medication could help you feel better, at least not immediately, there’s a chance it might. What you can expect, however, if you spend time with someone who has perspective on your problems, is help in fighting your negative thinking and developing a sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on size, weight, beauty, or being totally in control of your eating behavior.

Don’t get discouraged if counseling hasn’t helped you so far. Look for a good, positive coach with a vision of your value and your future. Don’t settle for less.

If you check out of life because you can’t stand yourself, you’re surrendering to that parasite who both hates you for and thrives on your perceived ugliness. Stand up to it and protect the nice kid who deserves respect, if only for her good literary choices.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop the endless self-hate, but I believe that everyone, including me, has a value that doesn’t depend on looks, size, or mouth-control and that, if I select the right friends, supporters, and therapists, I will get stronger.”

I don’t see the point in therapy. I was depressed and suicidal throughout my teenage years, and was often sent to therapists. I was hospitalized several times, once after an overdose and a couple times because I threatened to kill myself if I had to return home. Treatment did absolutely no good. Now I get by, but I don’t trust people and I wouldn’t be surprised if I wind up killing myself, and I don’t really care. What’s your advice?

People who don’t care whether they live or die are often disappointed (it comes with the full depression package). Usually, that disappointment comes from things they can’t help or control, but care a lot about. It can be that they hate their looks or personality (see above), or just want something they can’t have, but either way, that loss and anger become more important than their promises, ideals, or commitments.

Under the right circumstances, disappointed rage can give people courage and scare away opposition; when you have nothing to lose, you’re truly dangerous, to yourself and everyone else. People will often back off and give you what you want, unless they get just as mad or put you in jail. Either way, it’s a lose/lose (either you lose what you want or you lose your dignity/composure/mind).

Right now, your main issue isn’t your depression, but that nobody’s been able to help you do anything about it; I won’t tell you to get help because there’s no help for your disappointment, and you know it. You know that therapy can’t make you feel better, and any promise to the contrary gives you a target for your disappointment (and it’s dangerous to become a target for the kind of rage you’re packing).

The worst thing about your rage is that it makes you right; you attack people who disappoint you and they act more like jerks, which confirms your disappointment, so you feel justified in giving them more, and they give you back more to hate and despite. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds your self-righteousness while destroying your chances for improvement.

Ask yourself, though, if there’s anything more important to you than your disappointment and the confidence that it brings. Ask if there is anything worth doing or anyone worth caring for, or if you value helping people, being independent or making the world better. If so, ask if pursuing your values is worth keeping your disappointment, and rage, to yourself.

If there is something more important to you than disappointment, then you may want to learn how to keep it from turning you into a monster who loves to stomp on small cities, friends, and yourself. Restraint hurts, but it can be learned, if you want to learn it. First, though, you must decide whether it’s worth it.

I doubt that anyone can help you feel better if you continue to draw strength from your rage at their perceived incompetence. If you decide that life is worth living anyway, there are lots of people, including some therapists, who can help you be decent to yourself and others.

For now, start at square one and accept that life is unfair, dealing with mental illness is hard work, and you’re not big on luck. Don’t get mad, get over it, and then get on with the slow process of feeling a little better.

STATEMENT:
“I feel stronger when I’m attacking my enemies, and I’ve got good reason to attack them, but I won’t allow my enemies to become more important to me than my beliefs in what I should do to be a good person. However much I fear or hate them, I’ll try to focus on ignoring them and giving my own life meaning.”