A Bleak Chorus

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2011

Some people feel compelled to solve other people’s problems by telling them what they did wrong, figuring that shame and the power of truth will get them to correct their mistakes. The truth is, the only thing shame motivates most people to do is sulk and make even stupider decisions. Instead, admit that most problems don’t actually have solutions, then be positive about the options that do exist. If you insist on piling on harsh truth, the real shame will be that you didn’t take our advice.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t figure out how to keep my daughter from falling into a depression. She’s a fine young woman (she’s 30) and was doing well until she got laid off, through no fault of her own. What worries me is that, whenever she doesn’t have school or a job to do, she gets into a funk, has trouble getting out of bed, starts to wonder whether she has skills that anyone will want, gives up her job search, and becomes depressed and immobilized. She got some treatment once, but it didn’t help much. What got her going in the past is that she’d eventually move to a new place and start over, and that worked. My goal is to help her avoid the meltdown and the need to re-locate every time her job fails.

Before trying to help a depressed person, remember—avoid sounding critical at all costs. They might deserve it, but they’re already dealing with an incredibly harsh, vocal critic who happens to live in their heads.

Don’t accidentally give advice that adds to that chorus, because you’ll just confirm what she already thinks of herself and make matters worse.

The usual way to develop a positive line is to concede the negative; tell her you think she’s prone to self-criticism and depression, because she is. Just don’t tell her to “get help.”

The problem with recommending help—that ambiguous, intangible cure-all—is that you’re implying there’s help available, if she’d just reach out and get it. Unfortunately, she tried and it didn’t work, and her depression both reminds her of that and holds her responsible.

Yes, there are many different kinds of help available, and there’s a good chance something would be useful, but don’t set yourself up as a target for her internal argument, so leave this issue until later.

Next, tell her how impressed you are with her work record and natural ability. As far as you’re concerned, she’s proven herself as a competent, hardworking woman, and you’re not worried. The economy sucks, not her, and it’s just too bad that she holds herself responsible for not getting a job in a tough economy.

Having said that, you’re ready to attack. Tell her you think she’s being mean to herself. She deserves respect, she’s giving herself crap, and you wish she’d stop doing that. You can’t blame her for being depressed, but there’s no way she should call herself a loser when she’s out there, trying to be independent, living on her own, and conducting a perfectly good job search.

Finally, you’re ready to tell her you think she needs help, not in that dangerous, general way, but specifically in straightening out her negative thinking and protecting herself from that never-ending fire-hose jet of self-criticism.

She could get that from talking to the right people, like you. There are good books she could read (even reading the Bible with the right group of people can help, if you’re into that sort of thing). They’re all sources of cognitive behavioral therapy and, yes, some therapists are good at it. Sometimes, medication helps and sometimes it doesn’t.

Your main goal isn’t to accidentally confirm her worse depressive thoughts or even to try to argue with them, just to tell her that they’re flat wrong and deserve to be ignored. Stay positive, and hopefully, your cheerleading will drown-out her inner critical monologue and be just the help she needs.

STATEMENT:
“When my daughter gets into a mental rut, I want to shake her, but I’m too old and smart to fall into that trap. I know her strengths, and I can stand up to false self-criticism. I can’t make her listen, but I can let her know there’s a positive way forward, and it begins with refusing to accept her negative feelings as facts or as acceptable in polite conversation.”

I love my husband and think he’s a fine parent, but I can’t stop worrying about our 5-year-old daughter and wondering whether he’s dressed her warmly enough, or given her the right food, or given her enough of it. It drives him crazy and he accuses me of having no confidence in his parenting skills. I see his point, but feel I’m making constructive suggestions and that he shouldn’t take them as personal criticism. My goal, after all, is that our daughter is safe, happy, and well-fed.

Certainly, there’s nothing stronger than a mother’s protective feelings. What you should remember, however, is that strong feelings have a way of making you forget about reality.

Making yourself responsible for someone else’s safety and welfare, even/especially your own child’s, is an impossible assignment. You can’t be with your daughter all the time and, even if it was possible, your protective powers are limited. And you can’t expect your husband to live up to your impossible standard.

That’s when pursuing your wishes for total protection does more harm than good; nagging your partner may distract and irritate him, lower his confidence, and do nothing to make him a better protector. Meanwhile, your daughter will be bothered by the conflict and your doubts and start to wonder why you’ve left her with an incompetent imbecile.

Once you accept your inability to do it all yourself, you’re ready to consider a better goal—finding the best partner you can and helping him develop confidence in his own parenting style, even if it’s not like yours. Respecting his boundaries is not something you do after you’ve developed confidence in him, it’s what you do to help him develop confidence and avoid unnecessary conflict.

Sometimes, it’s true, you can’t trust your spouse, and then you’re in deep trouble. Fortunately, in this instance, it sounds like you believe he’s basically sound, he just does minor things that make you worry.

If you want what’s best for your kid, keep your worries to yourself and your mouth shut. You can’t help worrying, but you can remind yourself that you’re not responsible for how other people treat your daughter, just for bringing out the best in them.

If you say anything, make like the mom above and be positive. Otherwise, make like the opposite of the mom above and learn to let go.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t be a parent and not worry, but I do a good job and so does my spouse, even if his style worries me sometime. We’re getting the big stuff right. My job is to keep my negative thoughts to myself and let my husband know I’m glad he’s there.”