Let It Need

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 30, 2011

Needs, like the opposite sex, politicians, and DVRs, fall in the category of “can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.” If someone who once met your needs does so no longer, it’s hard not to feel jilted (even if you never really checked their reliability in the first place), and if someone claims you haven’t met their needs, it’s hard not to feel guilty and/or unjustly accused (even if you never considered the possibility that they’re simply needy to a fault). When the feelings of met or unmet needs threaten to carry you away, rely on the facts and reasonable expectations to counter the helplessness of needing something you’ll probably have to learn to live without.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: There will be no new post on Monday due to the American firework festivities. We’ll return to posting on Thursday, assuming we don’t blow our fingers off.

I never feel as though I ultimately have any power in a relationship beyond what’s given to me by the woman I’m with. The early stages always evolve easily, organically, the two of us meeting each other’s needs. I give a lot of myself and feel very happy and safe and good as she reciprocates. At some point, however, an imbalance always arises, and I find myself doubling-down on staying patient and compassionate while she’s acting less committed to meeting my needs. It leaves me feeling confused and betrayed, like I’m serving at her pleasure, and if I complain, then that’s it, it’s over. This happens again and again and I sense I’m missing a transitional skill set. I’m not going to stop being the type who invests a lot emotionally in a woman I want to be with. The question is, how do I transition out of that early, romantic stage into something that allows me to stay compassionate but preserves my self-respect as things invariably start to get complicated?

Questions like this are tricky, because at best they’re vague, and at worst, they’re a tad creepy, because they refer to girlfriends entirely in terms of their impact on your feelings, rather than the details of who they are and what they do in life.

Since we’re all about giving our readers the benefit of the doubt, we’ll assume that just pointing out that girlfriends are people doesn’t solve your problem.

Instead, we’ll take it that your approach to relationships, like your case, is simply too reactive to your emotions, rather than self-involved and narcissistic.

In the absence of specifics, the main focus of this case seems to be the importance of meeting emotional needs in a relationship, and evaluating relationships in terms of how good they make you feel is obviously something we’d frown upon.

If you want your needs met in a relationship, it’s better to focus on what’s more tangible and under your partner’s control, e.g., she might not make you happy everyday, but, in the long run, you’re better off if she makes car payments on time (because you’d be pretty unhappy if visited by the repo man).

It’s up to you to define what you really need, choose someone who has the capacity to give it to you, and assess whether you’re getting enough to be worth the hard times when it feels like you’re getting nothing but crap. That sounds fairly business-like, and it needs to be business-like, because, otherwise, your feelings will run you into the ground.

If you rely on feelings alone to tell you what to do, any kind of mutual attraction will make you satisfied, whether the attraction is based on lust, money, infatuation, or a mutual hatred of the Yankees. Your needs will be met and so will hers, but meanwhile, you haven’t sized up whether she’s a steady person who shares your values and shows an ability to accept your less attractive qualities, and vice versa.

You’re not missing a transitional skill set, you’re just failing to define your values and do pre-screening. Yes, this process means forgoing the joys of fast romance and frustrating your short-term needs by going slow, doing fact-checking, and tolerating horniness, loneliness, or both until you’re confident you’ve got someone and something solid. It also means avoiding the kind of frustration described above.

Your current approach leaves you feeling betrayed and wondering what you did wrong. The more you accept those feelings as true, the more actively you’ll pursue anyone you’re attracted to, while feeling passively dumped once things don’t work out. You’ll become a depressed victim and wonderful shrink-fodder.

From now on, don’t invest a lot in anyone or anything, emotionally or otherwise, until you’ve checked them out carefully, drawing on your experience and self-knowledge. Focus on the details, if not for us, then for your own sake if you ever want an actual human wife.

STATEMENT:
“The more attracted I am to a woman, the harder I will try to remember what I’m looking for in a partner and look for evidence that she has it. Meanwhile, I will try to keep my heart and other organs under control.”

I’m scared by the way I’ve started to snap at my ailing parents. They expect me to do what my two older sisters used to do for them, but my sisters have moved away, and I’m not well, and there’s only so much I can do, but my parents don’t seem to understand that. I’m feeling drained and I want them to understand I’ve reached my limit. I can’t do any more.

When you’re a kid, it’s normal to regard your parents as the authority on needs. If they tell you you’re not meeting their need for you to do chores or school work, then so it was written you’re a bad kid.

You may complain that they aren’t fair, but you haven’t yet developed your own standards or the strength of mind to believe in them. If you feel unjustly accused, it’s hard to feel happy with yourself until they’ve withdrawn the accusation and declared you innocent.

Now, like a lot of adults, you feel the same way, even though you’ve probably developed your own standards for what a good person should do to help her parents. If you were judging a friend, you’d expect her to respond to her parents’ needs by doing anything that would make a difference, that couldn’t be done by others, and that she could afford to do, given her other obligations.

You’d also point out that she had little control over most of their problems and should be careful not to give herself responsibility for them. You’d remind her that her parents had less ability than ever to judge her actions and restrain themselves from complaining or making her feel responsible for their pain.

So caring for your parents is a trying time. If you listen to them as a child would, however, you’ll knock yourself out and resent them for never being satisfied or appreciative. You’ll get nasty, helpless, and passive. Victimized, you’ll talk yourself into feeling desperate.

If you’ve learned by living and watching them, however, you can use your own standards of right and wrong to protect yourself from their unhappiness, and the guilt it triggers. If they don’t like your performance, you can agree to disagree. You can find your own balance between meeting their needs and attending to your own, without needing their approval.

Take time to consult your own standards, and don’t respond to them before you do. Dismiss the kid who wants to be approved and understood. They need grown-up help now, and if you can act like one, you’ll wind up giving them better care without losing track of your own needs.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to see my parents struggle and hear their disappointment with me, but I know I love them, I’m determined to help them, and I believe I can do a good job of caring for them without having to do everything they ask or winning their approval. I just have to do what I think is right. “