Evil-uation

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2011

The reason that high school movies will never go out of style is that a large part of our compass of self-definition, the one that tells us whether we’re doing a good job and adjusting satisfactorily, is magnetically driven by the people we see, socialize, and suffer with every day. Thankfully, real life comes with graduation, and, if you’re lucky, the ability to escape the judgment of peers and make your own evaluations. If you really miss high school that much, skip the critical contemporaries and go straight to John Hughes.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m feeling a little lost. For most of my life, I’ve been an excellent student. I made As and Bs with minimal effort. Seriously, I’d just show up to class, take a few notes, and get an A. I didn’t really have to try. It just happened. The past two years, however, it seems like I’ve been sinking further and further into a hole that’s gotten so deep, I can’t even see where I fell in. I have difficulty motivating myself to get out of bed 90% of the time. When I used to be able to pen an excellent paper in a few hours’ time, I find myself now staring at a blank Word document with nothing but a header for weeks. My GPA has plummeted from fantastic (not stellar, but it would’ve done well enough) to abysmal. The only thing keeping me from dropping out of college entirely is the fact that I know I’d have nothing else at all to live for. My family already thinks I’m a failure, because I haven’t graduated yet. The past two years has put me painfully behind schedule. I’m thoroughly unhappy, and I honestly don’t know how the hell to stop it. I need help figuring out what the hell I need to do to get out of this hole.

Pretend you’ve just been told you have a fatal disease. Suddenly, your GPA and the opinions it inspires in your family and friends probably matter a lot less, no?

When you’re in workplaces, families and/or schools, they seem to be the whole universe and your place in them seems to define who you are. The best thing about being cast out, or even just moving on, is that you gain an opportunity to define your worth more independently, in terms of your values and efforts, instead of what people thought of your performance.

Right now, your grades and your family are telling you you’re a failure, but they don’t deserve to have the last word. You have obstacles you can’t control, and you have good qualities not currently recognized in your limited universe.

It’s time to reassess not just what’s wrong, but how it’s wrong, for whom, and how much is really in your power.

Start by exploring your learning stoppage. For most people who want to learn something but can’t, the two most common reasons are depression and learning problems (or some combination of the two). Find out whether you have these problems and, if you do, get help.

Remember, you don’t control whether you have those problems, and there’s no perfect cure. What you are responsible for, however, is doing your best to get moving and learn what you want to learn, regardless of equipment/perceived failures.

Fear tells you that you’re caught between the helplessness of not being able to function and the hopelessness of having nothing to live for. Those are terrible thoughts that you would never, ever impose on anyone else, and you certainly don’t deserve to hear them yourself. Your school and your family probably don’t feel this way either, although depression can convince you otherwise.

If you were counseling a friend, you’d tell them that good people are sometimes unable to function and that achievement is never a good thing to live for, because sometimes you can’t achieve. You’d urge a friend to live for the values he or she has always lived for and accept the fact that sometimes you’re fucked.

With or without a fatal disease, we’re all at risk for sudden death, but there are measures we can take to try and make life last. It’s time to put your health above academics and other people’s opinions. If you’ve got the right priorities and perspective, then failure is not an option.

STATEMENT:
“I’m getting nowhere and have lost my ability to perform, but there’s no reason to think my problem is permanent and there are lots of good things I can do, other than school, until I recover. I may be flunking out of school, but I’m also enrolled in Impairment 101, which forces me to think constructively about my impaired performance or get swept away by fears of failure and humiliation. I intend to do well.”

I used to love my job, which I began while I was still in high school. My first boss was a wonderful mentor who groomed me to take over when she got promoted, and for about 10 years I followed her into her old jobs as she moved up in the company. I worked hard and people respected me. Then we got bought by another company, she left for another city, and I reported to a new boss who was much more comfortable with his male buddies from the other company than with any woman, including me. I knocked myself out to show him what I could do, and he still found fault and gave all the good assignments to the guys. Finally, after a negative performance review, I let him know I was thinking of suing for sex discrimination, and suddenly no one is talking to me. They’re not threatening to fire me, but people avoid eye contact and I’m totally out of the loop. So now I’m depressed and it’s hard to get to work and I’m worried they’ll really have grounds to fire me, because I’ve lost all my get up and go. I don’t see any way forward. My goal is to get back on track.

The real Horatio Alger American Dream isn’t just about getting ahead because of hard work; it’s also about good, hard-working people always getting what they deserve. It’s a promise made by every teacher and every CEO; work hard, and you’ll get ahead.

Too bad no one can actually deliver on that promise. It’s called the American Dream, not the American Reality, for a reason. Yes, great teachers and great bosses are wonderful, and they sometimes happen. So does good weather. And so does hail.

It’s tempting to believe you can create a better world in your particular social or work group or family, and it’s certainly worth trying. Sooner or later, however, things can go sour and it’s your job to have individual priorities and principals for yourself that can take over in an emergency, when the lights and liking and fairness go out and you have to find your own way to the exit.

If you can prove sex discrimination and make a bundle, more power to you. What it sounds like, however, is that you’re expressing your anger and helplessness at the injustice and exhaustion of your position, and that’s destructive. Your boss, of course, doesn’t see it that way and neither does his boss. So the moment you take them on, you’re out in the cold. Bad weather made worse.

Give up on them, but not on yourself. Absolutely nothing has happened that should shake your belief and faith in yourself and your own accomplishments. Despite your history, you need to dismantle your emotional ties to this company and these people; they’re not your family, they’re not good for you, and they have nothing else to offer at this point.

Think harder about the assets you offer and the sort of workplace you need to find that would be a good fit, even if you need to work with a headhunter or a job coach. Remember who you are and the professional you’ve become.

If, like the idealist above, you feel depressed, a doctor might be able to help. For now, remember that getting what you deserve is a fantasy; get out of this job, and get what you need.

STATEMENT:
“The abilities I’ve discovered in myself, the skills I’ve acquired, the things I’ve accomplished, and my dedication and motivation haven’t changed one bit. The only thing that changed is that I’ve learned that good jobs can go bad, no matter how good you are, and that’s a painful but valuable truth. I’m going to suck up the pain and make use of the truth.”