Friends With Bullsh*t

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2011

Oh, people—can’t live with them smothering you, can’t live without them at least giving you the time of day. Unfortunately, nobody, including you, can give everybody the amount of attention they desire or deserve, so somebody’s bound to feel stung. If you treat your friendship like a precious resource, giving to those who can make the best use of it and withholding when the difference it makes is negative or none, then you’ll know you’re doing a good job, even if those pesky people don’t agree.
–Dr. Lastname

My best friend drives me crazy and doesn’t give me room to breathe. She calls every night and wants to talk for at least half an hour, even when there’s nothing to talk about, but we’re adults, not high school kids. I work full-time and get home late, so she doesn’t expect us to get together during the week, but if I don’t want to see her on Saturday or Sunday she wants to know what I’m doing and acts hurt if I could have been doing it with her. We’re both over 40 and don’t get asked out much, but I’d like to develop a wider group of friends. Instead, I feel like I’m always on the defensive. The more irritated I get, the more careful I have to be about what I say, which just makes me sound more defensive. I’m trapped. My goal is to be myself with her.

Even though your friend sounds like the emotional Ike Turner, I’m sure she isn’t all bad; she might be good at offering support, or fun to hang out with, or talented with a guitar.

On the other hand, your friend is clingy by nature, over 21 and, if she hasn’t responded to comments about her clinginess so far, incapable of getting it. Remember, no matter how much she sounds like a jealous spouse, you and your friend aren’t married. It’s OK to ask yourself how much time you want to spend together, not just what’s best for Ike.

The point isn’t trying to be yourself, because that will just lead to a venting of poisonous feelings that will kill your friendship entirely. Instead, figure out what you want to do with her and how she fits in your life.

Don’t hold yourself responsible for feelings or expectations on her end that you haven’t encouraged or for debts you don’t owe, so regardless of what she feels or says, be OK with your own conscience when you put limits on your time together. Instead of defending your right to set limits or getting her to understand and approve, just set limits, and do it as if you have a right.

If she pushes, tell her you’re tired and get off the phone. Let her know you’re busy on Saturday and you don’t always like to talk about what you’re doing. If she pushes again, tell her it’s not a secret, you just don’t like to talk about it.

Don’t be blackmailed by guilt or fear; you can’t be guilty if you’re treating her as you would want to be treated, and you can’t be afraid of losing the relationship, because if she breaks it off, then you’re better off with loneliness than bondage, and you’re strong enough to suck it up.

What’s most likely is that, after huffing and puffing and looking for a reaction and seeing that it’s getting her nowhere, she’ll accept your terms and have a good time. If not, then you’ll have to accept the friendship divorce, but if Tina’s any indication, you’ll do better solo, anyway.

STATEMENT:
“I’m careful not to abuse my friendships so there’s no reason I should feel guilty about my best friend’s neediness or let it force me to be closer to her than I want to be. I’ll be firm and friendly about the way I want to do things and, if that doesn’t work for her, too bad. There are worse things than being lonely.”

My wife doesn’t interact all that much with me since her last stay in the loony bin. She doesn’t hear voices anymore and she can answer questions appropriately, but all she wants to do is read and watch television, and not interact with anyone. She tried a volunteer job but stopped going. She’s not interested in working and I can’t imagine that she would stick with it. She wants me around but also wants to stay in the other room and doesn’t enjoy interacting. Thank goodness we don’t have kids. I’m out every day working to support us. I married her for sickness and health and I take my vows seriously, but we’re in our early thirties and I see my whole life consumed by keeping her company while she watches TV. My goal is to figure out how to shake this feeling of being trapped.

If we lived in a world where total devotion to the people you love always did a lot of good, then it would always be a good thing. That would also be a world where no one got sick.

Unfortunately, illnesses happen that don’t get better in response to love and devotion—some people with psychiatric illness get worse—and that’s when love and devotion can do lots of harm, both to the would-be protector and his or her other dependents and relations.

The thoughtful wedding vow should bind you to stand by your spouse if it will substantially help his or her well-being or the success of what you’re trying to build together, which is usually a family. If, however, something happens that limits the amount of good you can do or that endangers your other obligations, then you have to make a decision.

That’s another way of saying it’s not right to stick with an out-of-control spouse if it endangers you or the kids, whether the problem is violent behavior, compulsive spending or hyper-sexuality. Your goal isn’t to be the very model of devotion, but to manage competing obligations, including one to yourself.

Ask yourself how much good you’re doing for your wife, given the damage her illness has done to her ability to have a relationship with you. If the main thing she gets from you is a benign presence in the next room, she may get as much from someone else, including a health aide.

You’re the one who must judge how much your partnership is costing you in terms of your other goals and relationships, then decide how much good it’s doing. If your roles were reversed and you were the one whose ability to relate were damaged by incurable illness, ask yourself what you would expect your wife to do.

Don’t do what looks right or feels good; do some moral heavy lifting by examining the competing obligations and prepare to feel bad no matter what you do. If you consider all your obligations and weigh your devotion to your wife in terms of necessity, i.e., how much good it does and how much it costs you, then whatever you decide will feel more like a choice and less like a trap.

Unlike the pair above, you did take vows, but the circumstances of those vows have changed. Now you have to decide whether being there for her in her sickness is actually healthy for either one of you.

STATEMENT:
“I will always honor my commitment to my wife, but I acknowledge that life can prevent that commitment from having a positive effect, and that it’s my job, if that happens, to give priority to what does the most good or prevents the most harm.”