Cruel (And Unusual) Intentions

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 26, 2011

People like to call one another on bad behavior, and, thanks to the likes of Oprah, think that such acts of “openness” are a good idea. What they’re forgetting is that most badly behaved adults want to behave that way, have their own reasons for thinking it’s OK, and are ready to behave even worse if confronted, threatened, or attacked. If you want to continue and/or improve your relationship with a badly behaved person, don’t give him/her an earful s/he doesn’t want to hear. Offer a proposal for a better way of behaving, your plan for making it worthwhile, and your intentions in case it’s declined. You can’t whip anyone into shape, but you may persuade someone to develop better manners, for their own reasons, on their own terms, in a now Oprah-free universe.
–Dr. Lastname

My crazy ex-wife’s bitterness and sabotage blocked me from seeing our son, but when he got to college and out of her grasp, I hoped that 20 years of patience was paying off and I could finally begin to revive a long interrupted relationship. I’ve tried to show how much I love him and want to help him, and I’ve looked for opportunities to give him gifts and take him on vacations. The trouble is, I’m beginning to feel that all he wants me for is money and that, otherwise, he either doesn’t care or is angry and suspicious. He asks for things, says thanks, and then disappears until he needs something else. If I ask him why he hasn’t been answering my calls, he gets huffy. My goal is to let him know that I won’t put up with that crap and try to make the relationship work the way it should.

The main barrier to a good relationship between you and your son isn’t your ex and all the lost years, but the fact that, according to your son, it’s your problem to fix, not his.

After all, whether you like/deserve it or not, you have a needy and untrustworthy rep, and at this point, you don’t know if it’s because he’s brainwashed, oblivious, or a jerk.

Time will tell, and the best way to make the best of what’s there, be it a good kid with bad ideas or a bad kid with bad ideas, is to keep your expectations low, your feelings to yourself, and your needs in check.

Besides, if you’ve ever had the power to make any relationship work the way you thought it should, I want to know your secret (or pay you to keep quiet so you won’t put me out of business).

It’s possible that the asshole doesn’t fall too far from the asshole tree; while we’re far from Freudian at fxckfeelings.com, it’s possible your son takes after his mama. You hope not, of course, but genes are genes, and they are what they are. Hopefully, though, the problem is one of normal self-centeredness or anxiety, not hereditary asshole traits that could haunt your family name forever.

Instead of thinking of him as your long-lost baby boy, treat him as a possible friend whom you’re very interested in getting to know (rather than as an old friend whom you expect to act like a friend). Instead of lavish gifts, give him attention and positive hints about how to behave if he’d like the relationship to grow.

That said, don’t discipline him like a daddy, telling him he’s being a bad, selfish boy, because you don’t have that kind of relationship, and he’s not obliged to take your punishment. Instead, give him fatherly advice about reciprocity, beginning with a no-blame description of how it needs to develop; with time and chemistry and it can’t be forced.

Explain that you’ll make time to call and get together, and that he’ll need to decide whether he feels like doing the same, because you want to respect his boundaries and let him take the lead as to how close he wants you two to be.

If he responds to those terms, then, over time, you might become close friends. If he rejects a modest-rewards relationship and acts like a victim, then perhaps your ex-wife, crazy as she is, did you a favor.

STATEMENT:
“It will be sad if I’m never able to form a close bond with my son, but there’s no guarantee, and the problem isn’t my fault. I’ve been patient until now without giving up, regardless of the sadness, and I will patient now. I’ll insist on a give and take relationship and hope that we can build some positive chemistry and that he’s a normal, thoughtless kid and not his mother’s clone. “

My wife is a total truth-teller who really isn’t malicious, but feels no compunction about letting people know when she thinks they’re stupid and/or obnoxious. In other words, she has no social skills. I don’t mind, because she loves me, she’s smart and funny and I know I can count on her, but we can’t get through even a short visit with either of our families without her showing contempt, particularly towards my brother. She says it’s because she doesn’t much like people in general (aside from a chosen few, including me) and sees no point in hiding her feelings, since she doesn’t want anything from anybody and doesn’t see how she could be hurting anyone’s feelings if she’s clear from the beginning that she doesn’t want a relationship. My goal is to address whatever insecurity she has about relationships so that she can be closer and more comfortable with people—and I can worry less about her bad behavior at every family get-together.

People can be crusty because they’re socially insecure or they can be crusty because they’re just crusty, don’t really like people, and feel perfectly secure in their dislike.

If your wife is the latter, you’ll just make her crustier by suggesting she needs to get in touch with her softer, friendlier side. It’d be like telling her she not only has to eat shit, but compliment the chef and ask for seconds. Bon appetit, indeed.

Of course, there’s nothing as delicious as a good put-down, and we love to tell stories about people who do it well (I can imagine your wife telling the estranged, possibly-selfish son above, “You don’t have hemorrhoids? Just as I thought, a perfect asshole!”). Unfortunately, to get away with a good put-down you need to be rich, socially adept, and good with words. The result for the rest of us isn’t appreciation, but major fall-out.

So stop psychoanalyzing your wife and see if you can give her logical incentives for depriving herself of the great human pleasure of (negative) free speech. I assume getting mad at her doesn’t work, or she would have stopped by now. That doesn’t mean you’re not important to her, just that her habit is strong, your anger is familiar, and she may even get some pleasure in defying you. After all, you’re the one who’s forcing her to socialize and then treating her to an entrée of shit.

Follow the usual procedure for dealing with the bad habits of those you love: accept them, then see what you can do. She may or may not be able to or be willing to change, so put together your best proposal and be ready for Plan B. If she behaves, give her a reward. If not, go alone and tell your family she wanted to make it, but she’s sick (from shit poisoning).

Without patronizing her or expressing anger, tell her that you don’t expect her to start liking family time, but that you do expect her to limit her reactions, not to spare their feelings, but to spare you from dealing with the anger and general damage control. No, it’s not fair that we have to spend time with people we don’t like, but since your wife isn’t a 6-year-old, she won’t reject that truth outright.

She is who she is—the crusty woman you fell in love with—so if she can manage to hide her crustiness, promise to reward her with shorter visits, less brother-in-law time, and maybe a feces-free meal.

STATEMENT:
“Having a socially nasty husband is a burden, though I think we have good respect for one another. As long as I think our relationship is worth it, and I do, I’ll see if I can train her to do better and, if that’s not possible, live a more independent social life. Her problem has nothing to do with me; my goal is not to take it personally.”