Ill Communication

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2011

Couples, like sports teams, tend to react to one another with reflexive reactions that bypass the higher centers of the brain in order to better facilitate working together as a unit. It takes no more than a look or an innocent question, however, to put you on the defensive before you know what you’re defending against or the harm you’re going to do by responding so fast. Then you’ve got an error against you and a very angry fan base (even if it’s a fan base of one). Instead of pushing for resolution, take a solo time out, rethink your strategy, and sooner or later, you’ll both be back in the huddle, figuring out your next move together.
–Dr. Lastname

I hate it when my husband and I squabble over something stupid, and then he falls silent and stops communicating, and it’s like he’s left the room. It drives me crazy. It’s true, I’m not thrilled about doing his bidding when I don’t have the time, or when his requests don’t make any sense, but if he let me know how important it is to him instead of sulking, I’m sure I would do it and then we wouldn’t have to go through this pain. My goal is to get him to communicate better.

If you’re the sort of person who can’t stand it when someone you love is angry and silent, your best mate might be a parrot.

You may try to find ways to help your beloved and avoid your pain, but don’t. Sometimes, reaching out to angry people will get them to lash out at you because they want a time-out, or it will let them know they can get to you by sulking, so they’ll use silence as a weapon.

Anger sends the same signal from any animal, from human to bear—go away, or stick around at your peril.

Worst of all, pushing an angry person can force them to say things that were better left unsaid. That’s why it’s often better to go to bed angry but quiet, rather than trying to reach a mutual understanding when you’re tired. There are times when it’s important simply to not try to connect.

Besides, you don’t really want to do your husband’s bidding just because he tells you it’s really, really important. Sometimes you’re too tired, or you think it’s his job, or you’re irritated and don’t want to do anything for him. It’s OK to admit you don’t always want to do what your husband asks, just like it’s OK to let him sulk when you feel that way.

Once you admit that, you can stop trying to think up solutions that won’t work and accept the fact that the kind of negative interaction you describe is unavoidable. It’s called marriage. You can’t make it better, but you can make it worse.

Yes, there are some people who are not as sensitive as you are to close-person-withdrawal syndrome—that’s the way they’re built. Either that, or they’ve been married so long, they’ve built up calluses. In any case, your hurt is a fact of neurology and the trait behind it is probably responsible for qualities you value, like sensitivity and attachment.

More important than avoiding hurt is knowing that you will follow you own priorities when your husband asks you to do something, regardless of fearing his disapproval or withdrawal. Either accept that marriage isn’t all “I do”s and “I will”s, or make room for your new winged companion.

STATEMENT:
“I’ll never enjoy it when my husband retreats into his pissed-off cocoon, but he never stays there forever, and I’ve gotten good at changing the subject and pretending that there’s nothing wrong until he comes out of it. I refuse to let my fear of his withdrawal control what I say and do.”

Ever since my stroke left me partially paralyzed 6 months ago, my wife has become ineffective and infantile. I know my illness hasn’t been easy for her, but I’ve got good nursing care and she doesn’t have to wait on me, so there’s no reason for her to look exhausted and complain about the stress of my illness and then run around in circles and not get anything done. I’m going to get an expert to teach her how families of stroke-victims cope with their problems. My goal is to get her to cut the crap.

It’s clear that your stroke hasn’t impaired your moxie, and that’s great. Moxie must be wielded carefully, however, because your wife is also your chief assistant and you won’t get her on a positive track by telling her what she’s doing wrong. For that, you’ve got to start with what she’s doing right.

Having her blame you for her dithering can put you on the defensive, of course, particularly if you feel guilty about the trouble your illness has caused your family. So your first job is to convince yourself that it’s part of her marital job description, and yours, to help out when the other guy gets sick, and that you’re doing your best to rehabilitate yourself, so you have nothing to apologize for and no need to feel responsible for her anxiety.

Then, ask yourself whether your stroke has disrupted her routine and whether she’s relied on a routine to stay organized. If losing her schedule is likely to set her adrift, then she may need as much rehab as you do, and your idea of getting advice from coping-with-stroke experts may be very helpful.

The sad thing, probably, is that there’s no way for tough talk to set your wife straight (it’s more likely to get her dithering faster). If, however, you accept the idea she’s not well equipped to cope with life with a stroke-stricken husband, then you’re ready to do positive things with the girl you got. You can be much more direct about her shortcomings if your emotion isn’t negative.

Remind her that you’re buoyed up by her love and caring, and coach her, or get her some coaching, on how to re-build her routine. Push her to accept her inability to make you better or get back the life you used to have, so you can focus on making the best of the life you have now.

Be positive about your own efforts to regain your independence and suggest that she, too, has a transition to make. You can keep your moxie and your marriage.

STATEMENT:
“It’s no fun watching my wife melt down when I’m the one who should be upset, but we’re still together and I don’t think she can help her reactions much more than I can help how my nervous system behaves. I’ll keep my irritation hidden, if I can, while I remind her about the good things we’ve built together and the positive things she can do when she settles herself down.”